V's Version

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I knew I was feeling more than a little crazy when yesterday I found myself in the kitchen on my hands and knees scraping off the dots of paint left by previous tenants from the linolium floor with an X-acto blade.

What did it matter?

But this was P's first visit to our - Dani's and my - home. I hadn't seen him in almost a year. He hadn't seen Pk in over 6 months. I wanted everything to look nice even if he probably could not have cared any less whether there was paint on the floor or spider webs behind the couch or a swept walkway. I was torn by crazy thoughts: do I want to present my elegant home in all of it's glory and be proud of what we have done with found objects and and luck and cloth? or do I want to hide my joy so as not to risk further alienation? Back and forth the volley of questions went: do I give him the $20 food gift cards that I get from the food pantry so that his limited funds can stretch further and maybe he can take Pk to a movie? or do I let him fund this rare visit by himself and have him experience the full impact of what it takes to raise a child with no financial support from the other parent?

In the end, thank heavens, I am called to be my best self. I am called to act in the ways that I would want to be treated. I polished and dusted and bought all the foods that I thought he would like for dinner. Dani and I left them at the house and came to SF (staying at a friend's) so that Pk and P could have the weekend together where Pk is comfortable - in his own room surrounded by his own toys. I gave him the food gift cards and I didn't ask about child support (because he just doesn't seem to be in any position to offer it) and I didn't even mention eating vegetables or limiting video games. I wished them a good time together.

That is love and I am blessed to have the capacity for it. All this time has passed and I still feel the tug toward anger or resentment. I see those tugs as more shallow reactions to my own pain. Healing of deep pain can only happen with a deeper response to it: with love, compassion, forgiveness.