Monday, October 10, 2005
December 2005 posts from livejournal
.
.
Why?
Posted on 2005.12.06 at 17:17
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Fighter, Christina Aguillera
I feel as if I could just write and write and write. There is so much to say. It's been a terribly long day and it's not at all over. Pk is on his way home and we have homework and costumes and practicing of his lines for the Nutcracker and dinner and getting ready for bed routines.
Today started off with a jolt and 10 ounces of white chalk contrast (I plug my nose while I drink and that helps.) I drove Pk to school down the mountain and headed to the CT scan imaging office where I drank more chalk and got my scan - with and without iodine. The technician was a 40-something year old surfer who was entertaining. When that procedure was over, I rushed over to the gynacologist's for a repeat pap smear because my last one had inconclusive results. After the exam, the doctor told me that she wanted to order an ultrasound. I wasn't thrilled to have another medical appt but said that if it could be before noon, I would agree. So - off to visit Heather Macallister in the hospital (more on my role with Heather later) where I ran aound making sure that she had everything that she needed and that the medical questions would be answered and that she was getting good care. Back to the gynocologist's office for a lovely wet visit with the Ultrasound Technician and her KY jelly.
I am thrilled to say that the preliminary results are FABULOUS. She could find no evidence of the cancer that had been seen in my last ultasound (granted that was back in 2003 but still - nothing is nothing.) We still have to wait for the CT results but that was a very good bit of news to get, I have to say. I am thrilled.
After the ultrasound, I went back to the hospital and went with Heather from one of her tests to her room for a rest. There is a lot to say about that. I know all too well how much it SUCKS to be throwing up every spoonful of water. God - it is so horrible. And to witness it is just as bad when I KNOW what it feels like. There is nothing I could do but sing her the "River of Birds" song.
My visit was short though. I had to race back up the mountain to meet Mary, the Home Health Care nurse who was waiting to give me the IVIG infusion. We've taken what was a 7 hour infusion and gotten it down to 3 hours. During the infusion I was able to ask questions about hspice practices, post an update onto Heather's BB, call one of our most recent rental choices (a house that we looked at and didn't like but they liked us) and tell him that WE FOUND A NEW HOME! We found a beautiful house in Felton (north of Santa Cruz) and we take possession on December 15th and I'll write more later on it. I was also able to receive Bit who just flew from Portland, OR to see Heather and will be staying here and to give Brook the car to go get Pk. They bought some groceries and are on their way home now.
OK - there is probably time to explain Heather. She is a SF woman with ovarian cancer (and soooo much more, if you know her!) - end stage at this point. And she doesn't want to give up. Last week she and her care team in SF decided to sign on to hospice - which means giving up medical intervention. But then she called me over the weekend and asked if my doctors had any other solutuions or might be able to offer a second opinion. I said that I would ask. When I did, they said to bring her in and that they would see. When I told Heather, she wanted me to come get her so - yesterday - that's what I did. I went to SF, brought her to my oncologist's in Santa Cruz (no small feat), brought her to the hospital when she said that she wanted to go. It was very hard because I can see that she is sick - very sick. And I have been as sick. I have been as dehydrated and miserable. And, to be honest, I didn't want to keep fighting at that point. I wanted OUT of the hospital. But she wanted to go in. So we went. And it's awful to watch. I just think she would be so much more comfortable in her own home with her friends and family there. She could die in peace instead of fighting to prolong her life with poisons and tests and tubes and the HELL of hospitals.
The juxtaposition of the picture of me running around to all of my medical appointments today, iPod blaring music about being a fighter and having the excellent good fortune to see that clean ultrasound against the picture of Heather, slowly shifting from xray table to wheelchair to sink, puking along the way, whispering "I'm OK. I can get it. Thanks for stopping by."
Why?
It really isn't fair.
A trend
Posted on 2005.12.08 at 08:05
Current Mood: vibrating
Current Music: The Russian Dance, Tchaikovsky
OK OK so I guess cutting and pasting my letters to friends and family IS becoming a trend. but really - when in a hurry - it's better than nothing. And I guess I can elaborate when I have time. For now there is Parker's Nutcracker costume and pleas to medical bill collectors and packing to do. Here's a quick email to my twenty-something sister Kat who lives in London and plans to visit soon:
Happy happy happy birthday! January 1st sounds fine - SFO is fine - and what is ironic is that Cayenne might be visiting the States at that point so you might actually be able to see her. cah-razy.
I am so so excited about the new house!!! I was up at 3 AM making a floor plan (to 1/4" scale based on meticulous measurements taken last night!) and today during my IVIG treatment I'm going to make little cut-out scale furnature to plan the placement of everything! I am SUCH a homemaker geek.
CT results should be coming in soon - and I am hoping that I shall be kicked out of the
Cancer Society. I never wanted to be part of that club anyway. I really do want to be in remission. Not that I've let chemo take me down or anything but - you know - there are other ways to spend my time.
OK - I'm off to craigslist to find a washer dryer stackable front loader. Bless Craig and his little list.
Love,
Sistah V
Felton, Our New Town
Posted on 2005.12.09 at 18:58
Current Mood: incredulous
Current Music: Our House, Crosby Stills Nash & Young
Here is a promotional blurb about Felton, our new community:
If Hollywood was to choose the ideal place for a story about independent mountain people, then the tiny towns of the San Lorenzo Valley would win in a heart beat. That's why it's no surprise that several movies have been filmed here against the backdrop of steep hillsides, lush meadows, and forests that nearly reach the clouds. Through it all, the San Lorenzo River makes its lazy journey from the summit to the sea.
A century ago these hills echoed with the rasping sounds of bucksaws, as loggers harvested millions of redwoods and Douglas fir to feed the housing needs of a growing country. Many of the best areas were clear-cut and left to regenerate on their own.
Fortunately, they did, giving us one more chance to appreciate and protect what nature put here. San Lorenzo Valley people are like that, too - strong and resilient, independent yet living in tight communities. These are sophisticated people who enjoy a quiet way of life. Many of them spend their workdays as engineers, technicians, and managers in the high-tech world of Silicon Valley. But they return home to the quiet of the forests and the small towns they love.
Their fine tastes are obvious. Browse through any of the small gallery shops along Highway 9, such as The Country Home, and you'll find the handiwork of many gifted local artisans. In many cases, their names are recognized on a regional and national level.
Valley restaurants reflect a broad choice of menus, from the upscale to the "down home." You'll find no cookie-cutter hostels in these parts, either. Instead, find respite in the Alpine motif of the Tyrolean Inn, the beautifully-appointed condos at the Boulder Creek Golf and Country Club, Brookdale Lodge "where the river runs through", or any one of the historic riverside lodges that have welcomed visitors for decades.
California's oldest state park - Big Basin - comprises much of the landscape, along with Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park, Fall Creek State Park, and Loch Lomond Recreation Area with its placid lake. For a really nostalgic view of the redwoods, hop aboard Roaring Camp's antique steam train for a ride through the ancient forest to a natural cathedral atop Bear Mountain.
Impressive? You bet! But it's just part of the everyday scene in Boulder Creek, Brookdale, Ben Lomond and Felton - the little gems of the San Lorenzo Valley.
------------
The village of Felton is a mile from our house. We love the little coffee shop, The White Raven, with it's pagan pentacle wind chimes and big overstuffed chairs in the cool bookstore. We love the locally owned grocery store with the really good produce. We love the feed store and the little local restaurants. There is even a small tatoo shop for when my platelets are higher (and I have saved up enough money!) But the best is the incredible Henry Cowell State Park and the Felton Covered Bridge Park. Right near our house!! So many places to walk and hike and run and scooter and bike!
And the house is so amazing! I mean we looked at so many houses over the last few months. Anything in our price range was in someone's basement or was off the electricity grid or was surrounded by junked cars and boats or on the side of steep grade hills with no place for Parker to play. Anything good would have been shared with people we didn't know or had all three of us sharing a room. And this is it's own house. It fits for everyone. Pk has his own room, there is a place for my quilt studio, HUGE front AND back yards with the birdfeeders and planting beds ready to be filled. There is a garage for Brook to live in and a place for Amica to run free. The kitchen is big and bright. Dang! We are so so so lucky. AND it includes all the utilities! If the landlord doesn't end up dying in a freak drowning accident, we're all set!!
To see a few pictures: http://lumigenic.com/photo/articles/HistoryWeb/Felton.html#town
Love, V
CT Results
Posted on 2005.12.12 at 22:06
Current Music: Anticipation, Carly Simon
The results are in.
Irony or Coincidence?
Posted on 2005.12.12 at 22:08
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: One Tin Soldier, Peter, Paul & Mary
The irony is not lost on me. I can't help but notice, as I sew the gold buttons onto each of the miniature Nutcracker Soldier costumes that I've just finished for the third graders, that ** I ** am the one making the army costumes. Me -the peace-loving mother who already has a bulging Consciencous Objector file for Pk in case there is a draft in some war. Ten years from now.
As I sat at the sewing machine today, attaching the gold trim, making the epulets just right, I thought to myself: is it irony or is it coincidence that I am making these today? For today I got the CT results back. And it is crystal clear that I am still in the battle.
I guess the Cancer Society wants me as a member even if I am ready to resign.
Dani and I tried to hide the depth of our disappointment. We cheered each other up with consolation phrases like: "Well, it's not getting worse." and "Everything else is going great in our lives - so really - who can complain, right?" The lesions in my lungs are still being in measured in centimeters in the left lobe and millimeters in the right. The good news is that the smaller lesions are no longer present and the large lesions, although slightly smaller, have lost some density. The cancer in the abdomen remains about the same size as it was in the last CT scan despite poisoning myself with chemo, despite the fact that I've been eating more vegetables than I ever have in my whole life, despite the glorious sex home-infusions, despite my fully visualizing no more cancer (it's all in the attitude -everyone says so) . These results are definately not the "You are in remission" that I genuinely believed I would be hearing.
And so it is with disappointment that I pull up my skirt (as my sister says) and keep up the good attitude (as my father says) and carry on the fight. I really am a peace-loving gal. I just want to get on with my life and quilt and be a good mother and partner and not have to be a soldier. I don't like the weapons of mass destruction. I don't like the on-guard feeling that is necessary with low white counts. I don't want to keep wondering what the next scan will say and what the battle plan will be.
The play is on Thursday and Friday. The Nutcracker Prince and his fashionably dressed army will fight the Mice in an epic battle ballet. Dani and Brook and I will be there to watch them. We'll be there to watch Pk dance the Russian Dance and to speak his first dialogue lines. A year ago I could not have seen him or sewn the costumes. Two years ago it was hard to imagine I could possibly survive my broken heart. Three years ago, this week, I had just been diagnosed with cancer and the realization that I would probably never make it to Parker's third grade play hadn't quite sunk in. So, really, who can complain, right?
.
.
.
.
Why?
Posted on 2005.12.06 at 17:17
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Fighter, Christina Aguillera
I feel as if I could just write and write and write. There is so much to say. It's been a terribly long day and it's not at all over. Pk is on his way home and we have homework and costumes and practicing of his lines for the Nutcracker and dinner and getting ready for bed routines.
Today started off with a jolt and 10 ounces of white chalk contrast (I plug my nose while I drink and that helps.) I drove Pk to school down the mountain and headed to the CT scan imaging office where I drank more chalk and got my scan - with and without iodine. The technician was a 40-something year old surfer who was entertaining. When that procedure was over, I rushed over to the gynacologist's for a repeat pap smear because my last one had inconclusive results. After the exam, the doctor told me that she wanted to order an ultrasound. I wasn't thrilled to have another medical appt but said that if it could be before noon, I would agree. So - off to visit Heather Macallister in the hospital (more on my role with Heather later) where I ran aound making sure that she had everything that she needed and that the medical questions would be answered and that she was getting good care. Back to the gynocologist's office for a lovely wet visit with the Ultrasound Technician and her KY jelly.
I am thrilled to say that the preliminary results are FABULOUS. She could find no evidence of the cancer that had been seen in my last ultasound (granted that was back in 2003 but still - nothing is nothing.) We still have to wait for the CT results but that was a very good bit of news to get, I have to say. I am thrilled.
After the ultrasound, I went back to the hospital and went with Heather from one of her tests to her room for a rest. There is a lot to say about that. I know all too well how much it SUCKS to be throwing up every spoonful of water. God - it is so horrible. And to witness it is just as bad when I KNOW what it feels like. There is nothing I could do but sing her the "River of Birds" song.
My visit was short though. I had to race back up the mountain to meet Mary, the Home Health Care nurse who was waiting to give me the IVIG infusion. We've taken what was a 7 hour infusion and gotten it down to 3 hours. During the infusion I was able to ask questions about hspice practices, post an update onto Heather's BB, call one of our most recent rental choices (a house that we looked at and didn't like but they liked us) and tell him that WE FOUND A NEW HOME! We found a beautiful house in Felton (north of Santa Cruz) and we take possession on December 15th and I'll write more later on it. I was also able to receive Bit who just flew from Portland, OR to see Heather and will be staying here and to give Brook the car to go get Pk. They bought some groceries and are on their way home now.
OK - there is probably time to explain Heather. She is a SF woman with ovarian cancer (and soooo much more, if you know her!) - end stage at this point. And she doesn't want to give up. Last week she and her care team in SF decided to sign on to hospice - which means giving up medical intervention. But then she called me over the weekend and asked if my doctors had any other solutuions or might be able to offer a second opinion. I said that I would ask. When I did, they said to bring her in and that they would see. When I told Heather, she wanted me to come get her so - yesterday - that's what I did. I went to SF, brought her to my oncologist's in Santa Cruz (no small feat), brought her to the hospital when she said that she wanted to go. It was very hard because I can see that she is sick - very sick. And I have been as sick. I have been as dehydrated and miserable. And, to be honest, I didn't want to keep fighting at that point. I wanted OUT of the hospital. But she wanted to go in. So we went. And it's awful to watch. I just think she would be so much more comfortable in her own home with her friends and family there. She could die in peace instead of fighting to prolong her life with poisons and tests and tubes and the HELL of hospitals.
The juxtaposition of the picture of me running around to all of my medical appointments today, iPod blaring music about being a fighter and having the excellent good fortune to see that clean ultrasound against the picture of Heather, slowly shifting from xray table to wheelchair to sink, puking along the way, whispering "I'm OK. I can get it. Thanks for stopping by."
Why?
It really isn't fair.
A trend
Posted on 2005.12.08 at 08:05
Current Mood: vibrating
Current Music: The Russian Dance, Tchaikovsky
OK OK so I guess cutting and pasting my letters to friends and family IS becoming a trend. but really - when in a hurry - it's better than nothing. And I guess I can elaborate when I have time. For now there is Parker's Nutcracker costume and pleas to medical bill collectors and packing to do. Here's a quick email to my twenty-something sister Kat who lives in London and plans to visit soon:
Happy happy happy birthday! January 1st sounds fine - SFO is fine - and what is ironic is that Cayenne might be visiting the States at that point so you might actually be able to see her. cah-razy.
I am so so excited about the new house!!! I was up at 3 AM making a floor plan (to 1/4" scale based on meticulous measurements taken last night!) and today during my IVIG treatment I'm going to make little cut-out scale furnature to plan the placement of everything! I am SUCH a homemaker geek.
CT results should be coming in soon - and I am hoping that I shall be kicked out of the
Cancer Society. I never wanted to be part of that club anyway. I really do want to be in remission. Not that I've let chemo take me down or anything but - you know - there are other ways to spend my time.
OK - I'm off to craigslist to find a washer dryer stackable front loader. Bless Craig and his little list.
Love,
Sistah V
Felton, Our New Town
Posted on 2005.12.09 at 18:58
Current Mood: incredulous
Current Music: Our House, Crosby Stills Nash & Young
Here is a promotional blurb about Felton, our new community:
If Hollywood was to choose the ideal place for a story about independent mountain people, then the tiny towns of the San Lorenzo Valley would win in a heart beat. That's why it's no surprise that several movies have been filmed here against the backdrop of steep hillsides, lush meadows, and forests that nearly reach the clouds. Through it all, the San Lorenzo River makes its lazy journey from the summit to the sea.
A century ago these hills echoed with the rasping sounds of bucksaws, as loggers harvested millions of redwoods and Douglas fir to feed the housing needs of a growing country. Many of the best areas were clear-cut and left to regenerate on their own.
Fortunately, they did, giving us one more chance to appreciate and protect what nature put here. San Lorenzo Valley people are like that, too - strong and resilient, independent yet living in tight communities. These are sophisticated people who enjoy a quiet way of life. Many of them spend their workdays as engineers, technicians, and managers in the high-tech world of Silicon Valley. But they return home to the quiet of the forests and the small towns they love.
Their fine tastes are obvious. Browse through any of the small gallery shops along Highway 9, such as The Country Home, and you'll find the handiwork of many gifted local artisans. In many cases, their names are recognized on a regional and national level.
Valley restaurants reflect a broad choice of menus, from the upscale to the "down home." You'll find no cookie-cutter hostels in these parts, either. Instead, find respite in the Alpine motif of the Tyrolean Inn, the beautifully-appointed condos at the Boulder Creek Golf and Country Club, Brookdale Lodge "where the river runs through", or any one of the historic riverside lodges that have welcomed visitors for decades.
California's oldest state park - Big Basin - comprises much of the landscape, along with Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park, Fall Creek State Park, and Loch Lomond Recreation Area with its placid lake. For a really nostalgic view of the redwoods, hop aboard Roaring Camp's antique steam train for a ride through the ancient forest to a natural cathedral atop Bear Mountain.
Impressive? You bet! But it's just part of the everyday scene in Boulder Creek, Brookdale, Ben Lomond and Felton - the little gems of the San Lorenzo Valley.
------------
The village of Felton is a mile from our house. We love the little coffee shop, The White Raven, with it's pagan pentacle wind chimes and big overstuffed chairs in the cool bookstore. We love the locally owned grocery store with the really good produce. We love the feed store and the little local restaurants. There is even a small tatoo shop for when my platelets are higher (and I have saved up enough money!) But the best is the incredible Henry Cowell State Park and the Felton Covered Bridge Park. Right near our house!! So many places to walk and hike and run and scooter and bike!
And the house is so amazing! I mean we looked at so many houses over the last few months. Anything in our price range was in someone's basement or was off the electricity grid or was surrounded by junked cars and boats or on the side of steep grade hills with no place for Parker to play. Anything good would have been shared with people we didn't know or had all three of us sharing a room. And this is it's own house. It fits for everyone. Pk has his own room, there is a place for my quilt studio, HUGE front AND back yards with the birdfeeders and planting beds ready to be filled. There is a garage for Brook to live in and a place for Amica to run free. The kitchen is big and bright. Dang! We are so so so lucky. AND it includes all the utilities! If the landlord doesn't end up dying in a freak drowning accident, we're all set!!
To see a few pictures: http://lumigenic.com/photo/articles/HistoryWeb/Felton.html#town
Love, V
CT Results
Posted on 2005.12.12 at 22:06
Current Music: Anticipation, Carly Simon
The results are in.
Irony or Coincidence?
Posted on 2005.12.12 at 22:08
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: One Tin Soldier, Peter, Paul & Mary
The irony is not lost on me. I can't help but notice, as I sew the gold buttons onto each of the miniature Nutcracker Soldier costumes that I've just finished for the third graders, that ** I ** am the one making the army costumes. Me -the peace-loving mother who already has a bulging Consciencous Objector file for Pk in case there is a draft in some war. Ten years from now.
As I sat at the sewing machine today, attaching the gold trim, making the epulets just right, I thought to myself: is it irony or is it coincidence that I am making these today? For today I got the CT results back. And it is crystal clear that I am still in the battle.
I guess the Cancer Society wants me as a member even if I am ready to resign.
Dani and I tried to hide the depth of our disappointment. We cheered each other up with consolation phrases like: "Well, it's not getting worse." and "Everything else is going great in our lives - so really - who can complain, right?" The lesions in my lungs are still being in measured in centimeters in the left lobe and millimeters in the right. The good news is that the smaller lesions are no longer present and the large lesions, although slightly smaller, have lost some density. The cancer in the abdomen remains about the same size as it was in the last CT scan despite poisoning myself with chemo, despite the fact that I've been eating more vegetables than I ever have in my whole life, despite the glorious sex home-infusions, despite my fully visualizing no more cancer (it's all in the attitude -everyone says so) . These results are definately not the "You are in remission" that I genuinely believed I would be hearing.
And so it is with disappointment that I pull up my skirt (as my sister says) and keep up the good attitude (as my father says) and carry on the fight. I really am a peace-loving gal. I just want to get on with my life and quilt and be a good mother and partner and not have to be a soldier. I don't like the weapons of mass destruction. I don't like the on-guard feeling that is necessary with low white counts. I don't want to keep wondering what the next scan will say and what the battle plan will be.
The play is on Thursday and Friday. The Nutcracker Prince and his fashionably dressed army will fight the Mice in an epic battle ballet. Dani and Brook and I will be there to watch them. We'll be there to watch Pk dance the Russian Dance and to speak his first dialogue lines. A year ago I could not have seen him or sewn the costumes. Two years ago it was hard to imagine I could possibly survive my broken heart. Three years ago, this week, I had just been diagnosed with cancer and the realization that I would probably never make it to Parker's third grade play hadn't quite sunk in. So, really, who can complain, right?
.
.
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