Thursday, February 02, 2006
February 2006 posts from livejournal
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Car, Cough, Doctors and Culture
Posted on 2006.02.03 at 20:12
Current Mood: mixed
Current Music: Carwash
I thought to bring my computer to the waiting room here at the auto shop. In getting ready for the big church youth group ski trip to Lake Tahoe, I decided to get a tune up. Unfortunately, I got the news that my brakes are gone. Blah. It wouldn’t do to head into snowy mountains with bad brakes. So. Here I am.
Luckily, before the auto shop, I was able to get some quilting in. I’m grateful that I feel well enough to work in the studio. I REALLY don’t like the set-backs that plague me but am so glad to be able to get into a groove – even if only for a little while.
I think I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel for my cold. The coughing fits that racked my body have died down and I feel generally a little less tired. Unfortunately, my counts are in the dirt and that contributes to my fatigue. I would have thought with 6 weeks of a chemo break, I would have normal counts again. But they are just as bad as if I were on chemo. All of them – whites, platelets, hematacrit. It’s disheartening.
Another disheartening thing– well- maybe scary is more the word – is that I don’t think I can trust my oncologist any longer. We’ve had our disputes over these three years but I always had the sense that he was, for the most part, responsible. I can handle a difference in opinion. I expect him to give me western medical (fairly conservative) advice which I then use as I see fit based on my own intuition and education. But now I have very strong reason to believe that he is not able to responsibly handle my healthcare.
He has had personal problems the whole time that I have known him – and hey! Who doesn’t? But now I am seeing that he is letting it affect his work – specifically me. He sent a medical update to my dermatologist (the specialty that diagnoses PNP) recently with significant errors in it. There were incorrect dates, incorrect medications, incorrect medical information, incorrect personal information. I could hardly believe it. Thank goodness I saw the document and am well enough to be in a position to correct what was written. But what does that say? It’s not that it’s the first time things have gone wrong.
The doctor has had a very difficult time keeping professional boundaries with patients (me included) and with nurses – sometimes bringing my chemo nurses to tears. He forgets what is wrong with me, he forgets the dosages of my medications, he has threatened me when I did not want to heed his medical advice.
It’s difficult for me to go to another oncologist. But I feel that I must. At least for a second opinion. I mean I am three years plus into this fight . I am nowhere near ready to give up and I need someone who is totally on the ball and willing to work with me.
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On a different note, my heart is heavy as a mother. I can only imagine that I am in plenty good company when I lament about the difficulty of raising a child in today’s culture of rudeness. Pk has soaked in that sneer, the sarcasm and apathy and disrespect that I see everywhere in popular culture. Not as much as I see in some children, but enough to make me sad.
I try to keep what he sees to a minimum. No television at our house. Only G or PG movies once or twice a week. No large game systems (like game cube or x box) and only limited screen time on his hand held game boy. I screen the lyrics of the rap he listens to and try to find the balance of letting him enjoy what he enjoys while maintaining the values that I hold to be important.
We have lots of family time and reading and play dates with friends. There is a lot of music and dancing in the house and going to the beach and the woods nearby. We go to church and he attends a martial arts class called Aikido which means “The way to harmonize through energy.”
But still.
Rudeness is everywhere in our reality show / Bart Simpson / Desert Storm / South Park culture. Coupled with his anger about the divorce and his fears of the unknown future – he can be a little time bomb.
I take solace in his innate curiosity and love of life. And my core belief in the goodness in all people.
Mold, mothering and my sweetie
Posted on 2006.02.09 at 11:02
Current Mood: romantic
Current Music: Teenagers Kick Our Butts, Dar Williams
Mold, mold mold. Felton is a haven for mold - that is for sure! It is to be expected in the redwoods but sometimes it is shocking to discover something covered in mold that was only a couple of days ago perfectly fine. Such was the case with our luggage a few minutes ago. I took down a suitcase to fill it with ski clothes and voila! fuzzy little dots!
This weekend is the ski trip to Tahoe with the teens from church. There will be 13 kids and 4 adults. I am planning games and a worship service for them. I hope it is an enriching experience as well as safe and fun. Pk looks forward to snowboarding and hanging with all the older kids. I guess there is some advantage of being the child of a youth advisor.
We've been having such deep conversations lately. We have a long (1/2 hour each way) beautiful drive to school on winding, back mountain roads. Sometimes we just listen to music, sometimes Pk sings the whole time with no accompaniment. And, lately, he's been asking questions about the existence of leprechauns. We talk of telling the truth and of respect and responsibility. He's mentioned being angry about P leaving the state. And of his frustration with Dani's expectations of him. I am hoping to find a male therapist who will help us all interact smoothly. I feel like I am always learning as a parent and I so appreciate when Pk and I can have good quality conversations. Amid the chauffeuring and the tutoring and the maid service I provide, it is a crucial element of our relationship.
Mmmmm. Dani just brought me apple pie - she's so sweet. I know she wants so much to help me feel better. My counts are still down and I can't kick this cold yet. My muscles are screaming and my nerves are on edge. Poor Dani. There is nothing she can do when I am in my coughing fits. After she has handed me tissues and given me the bucket so I can throw up - there really isn't much else to do. She makes me tea, offers vitamins, cough drops and syrup. She stays close but it must feel pretty helpless. So apple pie and my joy at receiving it is good for both of us.
We've been together for a year. It's hard to believe - so much has happened. As a tribute - I am re-posting my journal entry from a year ago.
Current mood: surprised
Current music: Who Needs Sleep?, Barenaked Ladies
Not even if I tried
I couldn't make this up. Not even if I tried.
As a background, let me say what it took to get ready for my much anticipated Friday date with Southern Butch. First, of course, is child care. That was all planned in advance. Then, as you know, my battles with the transportation system have been ongoing and often. I had to get everything figured out if I was going to make it to the subway station four towns north of my home. The subway (called the BART) would take me into the Bay Area (San Francisco, Oakland or Berkeley) but I had to get to the station. That required me getting two doctor's appointments to have them fill out paperwork (got rides to those from friends.) Then I waited and finally received an appointment at Disability Services, where they would deem me eligible or not for their transportation system (called Outreach.) I hitched a ride to their office in the nearest major city and met with their Disability Services Eligibility Coordinator who (hysterically and accidentally) walked me into a wall. I guess I passed THAT test because I was sent a photo ID in the mail that makes me able to get to the BART station. I had to deal with the fact that they gave me an ID with the right picture but the wrong number but - whatever. I had to set up a bank account with Outreach and make a reservation to get to BART. I had to find a place to stay in the city for after my date with Southern Butch. It had to be someone who was willing to let me in at midnight (Jeannie is soooo amazing - four kids and a lot of extra beds and a big, big heart!) I had to find a flexible way to get home since I didn't know when I could make a return reservation and can't afford the double fare of a same-day reservation. I planned to see B of Lucille Design on Saturday morning and didn't know how long we would visit. I asked one of the teenagers from my youth group to be on call to pick me up at the BART.
Whew. All of that in order and it was time for more personal details. My housemate's daughter helped me choose the perfect outfit. Well, it was perfect after I took in (using a needle and thread) the sides to make it smaller. Try THAT squinting through one eye! And then there was the fact that I couldn't travel to the city without my ID which I had inadvertantly left at the home of our host for the clean and sober lesbian mother's Superbowl game (go Pats!) The little purse that I had left there also had my lipstick and my iPod earphones. No big deal but - I had to hitch a ride and get all of it. Another angel in my army of angels drove up the mountain, got me, brought me down the mountain to pick up the stuff, go to the bank, go to the post office (to mail out Valentines to my family) and then back up the mountain. Actually, he happened to be a hairdresser so we stopped at his salon and he cut my hair. Perfect for the date! Cute and short with little fringes on the side of my face.
Back up on the mountain, I burnt the heck out of my eyes but was SO incredibly pleased with a little handmade birthday card I had made for the friend of Southern Butch whose party we would be attending. Just as I was signing my name to the card, the phone rang. It was SB herself. I told her that I was all set and she said that she felt really badly. She was so sorry but she had to cancel.
I don't know how graceful I was. I was silent while she apologized and explained the hell of her week and berated herself for not being able to follow through. I said, "No, no you're not an asshole...No, no - it's much better that you're honest... No, no REALLY you're not an asshole. But I have to say that I am disappointed." (WHAT an understatement!!) I hung up and cried. If I could produce tears they would have been big, fat tears rolling down my cheeks onto my pouting bottom lip. Boo hoo hoo.
It took me a few minutes to recover.
Then I wiped away the imaginary tears, brushed off the imaginary dirt and decided that it was her loss and I was going to the city anyway. Damn it. I called Skwish and Sara (I had missed her birthday party and wanted to see them) and we made plans to go do something (we kept it vague) in the city. After that, I decided to make it a whirlwind visit and was very happy to find out that Darby and Laura could have me over for lunch on Saturday. If I hadn't had to come back for Pk, I would have liked to have seen a dozen more women but was happy to have the plan I did.
Dressed in a black halter dress covered with red cherries, I was on my way! It took almost 2 hours to get to the BART station and I was 45 minutes into the BART ride when the phone rang. It was another festival woman! She (being friends with SB) had heard that I was coming to town and wasn't going on my date. Hey! The more the merrier I said - DB could meet up with Skwish and Sara and me. Cool. I was pretty psyched because I had had a festival crush on DB for years but it never worked out because she was in a relationship since 94, then when she was single, I was way too sick and then when I was better, she was with someone else. As it turned out, she found herself surprisingly single and ready to go to an anti-Valentine's Day party on this night.
I arrived in Oakland and called Skwish. "You didn't get the message?" she asked. Noooo. She was unexpectedly in a different town, caring for her friend's children while her friend was in labor. There was no way we could get together but I could stay at her house if I needed a place to stay. I said no problem - I would figure something out. I called DB - "Hey! It looks like it's just us! We can go to that anti-Valentine's party if you want." She came and took me out for Thai (yumm!) and we caught up. By chance, she was housesitting for friends on the East Bay (the Oakland/Berkeley side) even though she lives in San Francisco. After dinner, we looked up on the internet what was happening. We had missed Lynnie's performance of the Vagina Monologues, the Citedel was only for men, there were things that were finished at 9 that we wouldn't get to in time. And then we found a very cool art exhibit style show called "Bondage and Bon Bons." Rope art and chocolate. How could we go wrong?
The show was great. DB told me when to look and my favorite was a sleeping beauty wrapped in red saran wrap, covered in fresh apple slices, cheese and thin mints, surrounded by grapes. She had pale skin and dark hair and an orchid behind her ear. She looked dead and I thought she was stunning.
After the show, we went to a local bar. There was an outdoor patio in the back with a fire pit in the middle. It was just like fesitval! The place was full of women's voices, cool air and warm flickering flames. And then she kissed me! I could not have made this up. I mean the sequence of events that had to take place in order for that kiss to happen. It was just too, too strange! Oh life is so bizarre and wonderful. We had a spectacular weekend - both together and seperately. After not much sleep (but who needs sleep when there is exploration?), I got to spend a great morning with B of Lucille Design, laughing, talking herstory and politics, drinking coffee and being real. Darby and Laura came and scooped me up, bringing back to their place. I was treated to my absolute favorite kind of meal (of appetizers a la Cher in Mermaids) made by Laura. She and Darby are such great hostesses and so gloriously happy together. Darby even broke out the vinyl so that we could listen to Styx while eating Laura's homemade cookies.
DB drove me home to the mountains and spent a cozy evening curled up in front of a movie next to the fire with Aa and his kids, Pk and me plus the 3 dogs. It was really, really great. Nope. I could not have made this up. It is crazier and better and more surprising than anything I could have planned.
What is even stranger is that, as I write this, DB and SB are eating dinner together back up in the Bay area (being that they're friends and all). Pk is snoring in the loft and I really should try to get some sleep.
On Edge
Posted on 2006.02.16 at 08:48
Current Mood: edgy
Current Music: Zippedy-do-da, Uncle Remus
I'm on edge.
It's not comfortable.
Part of it has to do with the cancer sitch. I went to the new doc who said straight up that there was no way to get rid of this cancer. and I guess I knew this, of course, but I thought it would be easy (easier?) to get it stable and to be in remission. The new doc said that the treatment my regular onc (ologist) suggested doesn't have any literature or studies to indicate that it might work. Not that I was going to take arsenic anyway.
It was super hard - super uncomfortable to make first contact with my doctor to let him know that I am going somewhere else. I still haven't had that conversation but at least I put a call in. I will probably feel better when that's over with. I hope it goes smoothly.
The new plan with the new onc- which is happening so fast but I guess it needs to - is to try the first chemo I ever tried (rituxin) again. If you remember, I went into anaphylactic shock the first time. But this time we're going to do it in the hospital and go really slowly and just use half the normal dose. And I'll have all the medical equiptment there if I need it.
If I can tolerate the Rituxin, it'll be weekly for a month and then a re-scan to see if it worked. Best case scenario is that pulmonary lesions go away, abdominal mass is decreased and I go on a maintenance dose every 3 or 4 months for the rest of my life. If the cancer is shrunk enough, perhaps I can wean off the IVIG without adverse effects.
Wear purple or light a candle, cross your fingers or pray or sing or something on Monday the 20th- just to wish me luck. And put in a good word for Audrey Driver from fest while you're at it. She is in a really tough place with a serious port infection.
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So the other thing that has me really on edge is my kids. The ski trip was really fun. Beautiful and amazing weather and views of Lake Tahoe. Just cut and paste the web link to see a picture.
http://www.skihomewood.com/tahoe/graphics/clients/skihomewood/99/photos/orecarWshore1-17lg.JPG
Stunning. The kids were bonding, we laughed a lot and had a great time. Pk got to snowboard. Even Dani tried her ski legs. We had a wonderful worship service and shared good meals together (thanks to Dani and Aa). All really positive. But Dani and Pk and I had to leave early. The night that we were not there, the other adults didn't supervise enough and the kids just didn't have enough integrity to keep them from breaking a pretty major covenant (rule, agreement.)
I am profoundly saddened by this. It puts the leaders in a difficult position with the parents. It puts me in a difficult position with the kids because they know it wasn't right and they wouldn't have broken their promise to me if I had been there. It's a mess. I want there to be natural consequences for their actions which were diliberately thought out. But telling their parents isn't probably going to do anything except alienate them.
Blah. It's sooooo uncomfortable. And very emotional.
I want to keep confidentiality but I don't want the message to be that anything goes and it's OK to break a promise or to set a terrible example / precident.
So I am on edge and kind of distracted (at best) and snippy (at worst). Dani lovingly pointed this out and asked if there was any way we could reframe the moment and I said that we could sing zippedy-do-da. Because, really, who can sing the chorus of that song and not feel at least a little better? So we did. And we laughed. We laugh a LOT.
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In other news - I am making friends up here on the mountain. There is a woman, Kem, who lives in a yurt on a big sunny piece of land where there is a huge fenced in vegetable farm just up the street from us. It is surrounded by 40 acres of redwoods and has a horse ranch. Kem has kids 10, 7 & 5 who are so much fun. They go to the same Aikido class...
http://www.northbayaikido.org/home.html
...as Pk so we carpool. She is living off the grid up there - all solar - rain catchment for water. Very cool.
On the same land as Kem is Serene and her (somewhat smaller) yurt. And Rob who has a tree landscaping business. He also helps on the horse ranch.
Then there is Ridge - who is my favorite. She is a former SF dyke who moved to the mountains to do woodworking and live in her Airstream trailer. She has the coolest tin can collection and stacks and stacks of wood - both fine hardwoods and driftwood pieces and some redwood burls too. She harvested branches from an amazing old Madrone tree that is older than old. It was in the historic Felton Cemetary before the cemetary was even there. She very generously gave us two beautiful knarled branches. One will be used over our mantle and one will be used as a perch for the birds when we fix up the aviary in the back yard. Ridge has the cutest little dog named Charlie who is a Boston Terrier and gets along famously with our Amica.
Down the street (just a couple of "blocks" from our house) is another horse ranch owned by a woman named Val whom we have not yet met. But we love to visit the horses and feed them apples. We also visit the fairy circle in the redwoods there. It's magical with towering trees and ferns, bits of mirrors tucked into the trees, little magical statues and glass art pieces hidden here and there. The caretaker called it the devil's playground but it seems more like heaven than hell!
At the local coffeeshop, the two Cree girls will NOT allow me to buy my coffee so I end up giving them tips in their carafe. They are so kind and it's so warm and good there at the White Raven. There are not too many coffee shops these days that can say that they've been locally owned and operated by the same people for 23 years. That's where the locals meet. And everybody helps everybody out. So and so needs to clear out some brush and someone pipes up that they can help. Dogsitting? Lawnmower repair? Bike parts? Water politics? Chain saw? No problem. It's all at the Raven between 7 and 9 AM. See a picture of our Main Street at
http://www.awhiteraven.com/aboutus.html
OK - I'll sign off for the moment. I feel better just talking. Now it's time to quilt.
Love, V
Purple Posts
Posted on 2006.02.21 at 07:19
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: kryptonite, green day
From the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival Discussion Board at www.michfest.com
I began the post:
V
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:28 AM
Please say a prayer, wear purple, cross your fingers, breathe quietly for a minute, light a candle, rub your lucky rock - whatever it is that you do to wish me best.
I'm on the way to the hospital to start a new chemo to try to rid the cancer that is in my abdomen and lungs. It's potentially a tricky chemo (because I have been allergic to it in the past) and I am nervous. It has the potential to bring me to the remission that I have not yet attained in this now three year battle. I am hopeful.
I envision me on the land in August and I want to see each and every one of you there.
You can reply to this post with just one word if you want. Then I'll know you're out there. How about purple?
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bluvoicegrl
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:33 AM
purple
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Tippy Deerlick
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:33 AM
PURPLE ALL OVER! Blessings, V. i'll be thinking of you...thanks for asking for what you need.
((((((((V)))))))
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malahat
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:40 AM
purple and prayers for you, Parker and Dani
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sweetmama
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:53 AM
purple...
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TravelSpirit
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:54 AM
crossing my fingers wearing purple gloves rubbing my rock with the hand painted picture of the earth goddess.
this is for you V ((((V))))
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tree child
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:55 AM
((((((((PURPLE))))))))
V, even though we've never met, I've followed the miracle of your life on these boards and have witnessed how the love of our festival family has gently supported and held you....feel that love and support now....and forever...
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Babs
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:59 AM
big love
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Dragonfly
Member posted 02-20-2006 12:16 PM
Sweet purple healing light encompassing you V.
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ctcycles
Member posted 02-20-2006 12:49 PM
Purple candles lit, warm and bright for you V.
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cypress
Member posted 02-20-2006 01:01 PM
purple
with love
be well
peace
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Drum Mama Sue
Member posted 02-20-2006 01:33 PM
Hey there V,
Doing all the above plus drumming out all the healing vibrations and singing all the life affirming chants ...knowing how scary trying something that you've had bad reactions too before is...
huge love...bushels and barrels and kiddy pools full!
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lisah
Member posted 02-20-2006 01:44 PM
rhodopsin
[a new word i just learned, which means: red photosensitive pigment in the retinal rods of marine fishes and most higher vertebrates that is important in vision in dim light -- called also visual purple]
visualizing purple here.
cheers, lisah
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birkenskates
Member posted 02-20-2006 02:12 PM
I am imagining you with that fabulous paint job last year. I can't remember if was purple or not, but I remember the flames.
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Midgie
Member posted 02-20-2006 02:14 PM
thinking of you...deb
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cfurby
Member posted 02-20-2006 02:27 PM
purple is a good word, my bedroom is filled with purple things and the candles will be lit tonight for you. However, "inspiring" is the word I'm choosing for you today. You are an inspiration. I can only hope to have half the heart you do if I am ever faced with what you are dealing with. Keep up the positive attitude!!
I'm seeing you at fest come August as well. I bought my raffle tickets from you last year, and plan to again this year! And next, and the year after that, and it would be so much easier if you would just commit to being there every year.
love and blessings,
furbs
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pschmatz
Member posted 02-20-2006 02:34 PM
deep purple.
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JAL
Member posted 02-20-2006 02:49 PM
Purple flowing silk to you.
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florentia
Member posted 02-20-2006 03:05 PM
Purple:
the deep violet of the hour before sunrise
the soft fuzzy grape shade of a cherished teddy bear
the magenta that was always the most-used crayon in the box.
Sending all shades of purple your way to support your healing, and as always, marveling at your continued bravery.
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LittleRugby
Member posted 02-20-2006 03:26 PM
imagining a one-eyed one-horned flying purple cancer eater swooping in to help with your fight!
i'll see you in august
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ShelleyL
Member posted 02-20-2006 03:33 PM
purple...purple...purple...infinite...
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Colelea_and_Eli
Member posted 02-20-2006 04:54 PM
purple!
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Hecate's Child
Member posted 02-20-2006 05:07 PM
Much purple to you....
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zoe122
Member posted 02-20-2006 05:24 PM
Harold and his purple crayon
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OpenHand
Member posted 02-20-2006 05:27 PM
puuuurrrrrrple.
soft sigh.
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GR Jean still
Member posted 02-20-2006 05:59 PM
I decided earlier today to have plum as one of the main colors on the first floor of my new home. Now I know why. Plum for you V. I feel like this is going to be something good. Hard but good.
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kcbluekitty
Member posted 02-20-2006 06:26 PM
Purple Rain of good chi~
Love,light and peace.
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Jennifer3141
Member posted 02-20-2006 06:31 PM
I'm thinking of a purple Michfest sunset viewed by all of us while we devour some hot and gooey S'mores with drumming in the background.
Jen
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DARTPatricia
Member posted 02-20-2006 06:36 PM
Always with you, dear V.
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MyJoey
Member posted 02-20-2006 06:43 PM
Lighting a candle for you.
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joannmur
Member posted 02-20-2006 06:47 PM
Big Love in a huge shimmering purple aurora borealis from the michigan sky encompassing your beautiful self.
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tessa
Member posted 02-20-2006 07:15 PM
wrapping you up in a purple quilt hand stitched with love.
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barbquilts
Member posted 02-20-2006 07:19 PM
purple, violet, grape, lavender, periwinkle, lilac and a big hug to you, V!
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flipper
Member posted 02-20-2006 08:39 PM
I havent checked the boards in ages.....musta known there was something important to read.
I will see you in August V. much love from Lorraine, Jen and Karen
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tld
Member posted 02-20-2006 08:47 PM
purple
xoxo
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Aymi
Member posted 02-20-2006 09:20 PM
((V))
Loving warmth and unencumbered healing energy to you, amazing one...
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McKennyAgain
Member posted 02-20-2006 10:24 PM
Purple purple and more purple
McKenny, Jake and Kate
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halfnelson
Member posted 02-20-2006 10:44 PM
I lit a candle for you, Grrl.
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Ro
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:06 PM
Purple iris's...
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SJA
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:12 PM
its a purple haze....
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luv2laugh
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:42 PM
purple peace and strength to you and yours...
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notthemouse
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:56 PM
puuuuurrrple
purrrrrple
purrrrppllleee
purple
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SchwaBird
Member posted 02-21-2006 12:06 AM
Hey V,
We've never met, but I have also been following your story on these boards. I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best.
PURPLE!!!!
-Elissa
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V
Member posted 02-21-2006 12:56 AM
I realize that my tears come from a bottle but they are still running down my face.
Thank you thank you thank you for each image, sound, action, thought and prayer. You are all so much bigger than me. We are so much bigger than just each individual.
Dani read the posts aloud to me throughout the day from her blackberry while I was in the hospital bed.
I am happy to report that after only 9 hours from the time I checked in to the hospital, I was able to leave. It was a totally successsful first day of Rituxin. We only had two minor allergic reactions. Each time, the nurses were completely right on it. I sneezed and mentioned that I don't usually sneeze. Then I could feel a strange prickling in my throat and before my throat could even TRY to close up, they were there! Zam! Needles in hand - all business. Medication stopped immediately, I was flushed and treated with a benedryl push and steroids within a minute of that sneeze. It was cool. We waited to start again at a lower rate. Then a couple of hours later, the same thing happened. Sneeze, Zam! Nurses, Needles. Stop everything and wait. Then we started over. Yes - very cool.
I've only got few symptoms like burning hands and a sore back and I am very, very tired. Dani was amazing - luckily it was a day off work. She rubbed my back and kept me company and brought me drinks. I am so grateful.
We got home and Brk and Pk were home from their camping and climbing adventure in the caves of Pinnacle National Park. Pk helped to describe the feeling I have in my legs after this chemo. He said he knew just what it felt like. He said that it's like Superman when he gets near kryptonite. And he is exactly right! That's EXACTLY how I feel!
Well - again - thank you. I thought of you all throughout the day - especially durning the lavenders of sunset. It was a success and I am 100% sure that you made a difference.
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PLANETEARTHGIRRL
Member posted 02-21-2006 01:43 AM
adding every shade and nuance of purple!
glad to read the nurses were so on top of it for you!
hugs/love to you, V, and pk and dani.
PEG
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lpstkdyke
Member posted 02-21-2006 01:50 AM
beathe in purple air, breathe in purple love,
goddess bless you with purple healing
lpstkdyke
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VStar
Member posted 02-21-2006 09:15 AM
Purple. email to follow
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ramonajane
Member posted 02-21-2006 10:09 AM
Much purple to you - and many more purple days ahead.
with love,
rj
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saxfire
Member posted 02-21-2006 10:26 AM
Did you know you if you google purple, there are 50,700,000 results returned?
Here's a whole store full of purple for you:
http://www.ThePurpleStore.com
A Lot of Life to Live
Posted on 2006.02.28 at 15:24
Current Mood: full
Current Music: Somewhere That's Green, Little Shop of Horrors
What does Nedra sing in the chorus of “Prozac”?
Never a moment dull.
Getting childcare for Pk was a bit of a mess today. My regular avenues kind of fell through and both Brk and Dani are out of town. Luckily, another friend (Ridge, the dyke ukulele maker that we met when we first moved to town) was able to pinch hit and take him to school and me to the hospital. I got in to the hospital’s OOU (Outpatient Oncology Unit) and got the message that I had to go back out into the storm and see the doctor for some “results that need to be discussed.”
Uh-oh.
So as it turns out, I tested positive for the Hepatitis B antigen – which I don’t think would be that serious an issue if I had an immune system. Lots of people have been exposed to it. It’s sexually transmitted and could possibly be from my IVIG transfusions but not through kissing! (yes, I can hear that great sigh of relief out there!) But for someone like me, I guess it’s not at all good. One of the major side effects of the new chemo (Rituxan) is to reactivate Hep B. I asked the new oncologist if it really was that big a deal (hoping for a “no, not really…”) He looked up at me over the glasses on his nose. “Yes. It’s a very big deal. It can be very dangerous if it breaks loose. We are definitely talking about fatalities.” Ulg.
For any of you with friends who have lived with HIV/AIDS, you’ll be familiar with Epivar, an anti-viral medication that helps to hold back both Hep B and HIV. The side effects of THAT medicine are pancreititus (which is a glorified word for stomach ache I think), nausea and vomiting.
The lovely nurse just handed me my first dose of the liquid yummy goodness. Blech. Bring on the water, I say!
It’s been a good chemo day though – the rate of infusion is much higher than last time and I’ve had no reactions at all. We really couldn’t ask for better in that department. And the nurses are so nice. And they fed me lunch – for which I am grateful. They even lent me their hand held phone because my cell doesn’t work in this vortex (no offence, Babs and Co.)
I was able to retrieve my messages that told me – entirely too late I realized with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach – that Pk was supposed to be picked up at noon. Parent /Teacher conferences this week. Eeeeeek! There was nothing I could do except call from the hospital to apologize profusely and thank the new school secretary who soooo graciously stayed TWO HOURS after work to play cards with Pk. I’m gonna have to do something nice for her. Brownies perhaps? Cala lilies from the garden? Sigh.
Now Ridge (did I mention that she used to live with Lynee Breedlove? Such a small world) is bringing Pk to Aikido and then she will bring me to my old oncologist’s office where I get to have that much-dreaded (oh – I mean anticipated) conversation about why I am leaving him. Doing the right thing is not always easy, I tell you.
Last night, I had the overwhelming feeling that I live a charmed life. A truly magical life. Is there anyone so happy? Is there anyone so lucky? So in love with her family? So in love with life?
If things were perfect, I would never lose my temper and I would exude loving kindness all the time– even to dogs and when I am pre-menstrual.
So it’s not perfect. But it is as close to perfect as I can think. At the moment when I thought this, I was winding down at the Sunday end of a fun-filled, magical weekend. Dani and I were sitting in the living room, having a gourmet picnic of homemade potato leek soup and asparagus (on sale for $1.50!!) in front of the crackling fire that Dani made from scrap lumber bartered with the woman who works at the barn down the street. The lights were dimmed, the rain was coming down hard and Parker was snug in his loft with James Bond.
In between bites of Dani’s fabulous, thick creation, we re-counted moments of the weekend. Was it only Friday when we slipped into a neighbor’s hot tub in the middle of the redwood forest? Our tummies full of brick-oven pizza, we counted in silence, with Pk and his buddy Cass, all the stars we could see. Kay Gardener’s “A Rainbow Path” wafted through the trees and a dimly lit statue of Quan Yin blessed us from up on the hill.
I watched Pk’s long hair dance as he slid under water to see how long he could hold his breath. Cass laughed at the farting noises the hot tub bubbles made. And when the boys each spontaneously snuggled into their mother’s arms, Dani noticed the vulnerability of this age when they are still little boys but know that they won’t be for long. I thought of my own mother, who would have been 58 that day, glad that we had honored her earlier in the day at breakfast.
Still steaming and in our white terri-cloth bathrobes, we left the boys for a sleepover and stopped in to our local grocery store for chocolate cake. Now, I have to say, there are not too many small towns where one CAN stop in for some all natural chocolate cake on a Friday night while wearing terri cloth robes and carrying a teacup Yorkshire Terrier (named Miss Ciely – we were dog sitting). I hope you can appreciate the picture. And Felton is so cool that they even offered us a little cart to hold. the. dog. while we shopped. It’s almost too much, you know? I was very, very tired at the end of a long-ass chemo/IVIG week but at that moment, pure glee is what I felt. Pure giggling glee.
We went home to snuggle, feed each other cake and watch a DVD documentary on Broadway: American Musical Theater. It was fascinating and I almost stayed awake for all of it! As part of life is not perfect, I fell asleep. For most people, that wouldn’t be an issue. But for me, it’s a terrible mistake. When I awoke, my prosthetic lenses were stuck to my eyes. Removing them was unbelievably painful. And I really should have irrigated them more than I did. I ended up temporarily damaging the cornea. Ah well – lesson learned. Ouch.
Saturday brought relief to the pain though. The lenses helped soothe the cornea, bathing them in saline. It didn’t hamper my spirits and we decided to have a day of local adventure. We picked up Pk early and used quilt money to splurge on breakfast at a diner called The Heavenly Café. We pas it all the time on the way to Pk’s school and have always wondered if it is good. It is. And the view is the most heavenly – great views of the canyon and mountains. As we sat there, the mountain fog lifted and it seemed as if it would actually be a better day than was predicted.
We stopped in downtown Felton (which consists of 50 or so independent businesses with quaint store fronts – gosh, I LOVE it!) because Pk said he wanted to get his haircut. It was his first trip to the barber. Dani cuts our hair and before Dani we went to a dyke hairdresser who charged $5 to cut his hair. So the barbershop thing was a big deal. The barber was Dennis, a crusty old guy who collects antique glass insulators (?who knew they were so beautiful??!!)
http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=4292981271&mode=guest
and all kinds of antique barber shop artifacts. He handed Pk a book from which to choose a hairstyle. I think Pk was a little overwhelmed and said most of the haircuts reminded him of Elvis. “Cut it all off,” he said. And then added, “Can I, Mama?” Sure. It was his hair. Why not? So out came the clippers and zzzzzzzzz off came all that hair. He grinned all the way through but stayed very still. I think the part that pleased him most were the miniature sideburns.
After that, we buzzed home, prepared to plant bare root roses, planted a raspberry bush and finished building the compost bin (made from discarded pallets by Brk) before setting off for Big Basin State Park – two towns away from our Felton.
www.bigbasin.org
On the way up the curvy mountain roads, we discovered the local feed and grain store where we could get a bale of straw for Pk’s archery target. We also discovered an archery store where we could get arrows that might survive a young archer’s practicing. We also discovered that we went the longest way possible and that we actually live much closer to the park than we thought. But no matter – the ride was stunning with moss-covered trees and filtered shafts of sunlight in the forest.
At Big Basin (which is a ginormous park with “18,000 acres of old growth and recovering redwood forest, with mixed conifer, oaks, chaparral, and riparian habitats” as the brochure says) we set off to find a waterfall that didn’t involve miles of hiking to see. I was a little weak still. But we ended up finding one of the campgrounds – the only one that offers rustic little cabins. We figured while we were there and it was off-season and nearly empty, we should do some re-conn just in case we ever wanted to go camping. We skipped from site to site, noting which sites offered the best views, the best privacy, and the best fire pits. Site 17 won hands down. Wow! There was an ancient stand of redwoods. One of the massive trees had fallen to form an excellent climbing opportunity that was probably a couple hundred feet long! The cabin was set way off the beaten path and the trails behind it led to a creek, which excited Dani quite a bit. The dogs loved our explorations and Pk picked up many a rock and stick to see how far they could be flung.
As we headed back home, we wound around the mountain roads and were shocked to see, peeking out from the trees on the downhill side, a bright golden pagoda. We caught just a glimpse of gold as we drove by. Dani turned the car around immediately and we tried to find the road that lead to it. We drove down winding roads, through more forest, not ever seeing the gold again. How could we have missed it? We went back to the place where first saw it and got out of the car. There, way down the side of the hill, was an older woman, dressed in a Buddhist monk’s fashion, shuffling along the path. And a black-tailed deer walking quietly.
We gave up the idea of discovering what the golden roof was all about, thinking that the only entrance must be a private and hidden. After a minute in the car, we saw the entrance to the monastery. We just hadn’t gone far enough on the main road! We headed in and introduced ourselves to the woman that we had seen earlier. She quietly and patiently explained all about the monastery (Taungpulu)
http://santacruzbud.tripod.com/taungpulu.html
We were honored to see the inside of the pagoda, used for prayers and ordination of monks. We spent a lot of time at the site where the remains of the holy man, Taungpulu, were interred. There were golden Buddha statues and golden Bangladeshi ornamentation with jewels that reflect the divine. It was very interesting.
Back home, after all of our adventures, it was nice to eat leftovers and help Pk set up his new archery sitch. He was thrilled to be able to put his new spray paint to work. Spray painting has been a fascination for a while. Now that we have a proper mask for him to wear, I keep trying to find spray painting opportunities. Making bull’s eye targets was perfect. He shot arrows until all the daylight was gone and it was time for his bath.
We watched the rest of the documentary while Pk watched She-Ra, Princess of Power.
http://members.aol.com/abishort/she-ra/shera.htm
and then it was time for bed.
Sunday brought even more adventure. We made it to church in time to sign up to be Sunday School teachers and to feed the homeless. The sermon on the spiritual implications of the disease of depression was, well, depressing. There was one very profound and surprising moment, though, when, at the very end, the guest minister asked people to stand in witness if they had been personally effected by depression. Almost every person stood up. It was quite powerful.
After the service, we met up with my secret pal (a child with whom I had been paired to do something special with.) He is a boy who was rescued from a Ukrainian orphanage at the age of three and he loves dogs. So even though it was pouring rain, we headed for the “Pooches in the Park” event. We even brought costumes to put on Miss Ciely and Amica. Unfortunately, the even will be held next week so no one got to see the feather boas and tiny sequined acrobat outfit. Oh well.
We decided to take the opportunity to visit some of the little shops in Felton where we never go. We went to the tattoo parlor to admire their sponge- painted walls. We went to the yarn shop, full of glorious colors and textures. We visited the feed and grain store where one can buy dog biscuits and bird seed from bulk bins. And we finally went into the mysterious looking shop that always has middle eastern and Indian rugs hanging off their front porch. It was full of rich golds and reds, bright greens and deep oranges. There were interesting Mongolian dresses and Turkish tapestries, batiks and silks, And one wall was devoted to hand picked and packaged teas in beautiful little bags. Just wandering through was quite an experience but we couldn’t stay long, we had a show to get to!
The local high school was performing “Little Shop of Horrors”. What a show! What talent! Dani and I kept looking at each other through the musical numbers, our mouths open, saying “Wow! These kids are REALLY good!” Someone obviously set the bar high for them because they were singing their hearts on in this rainy Sunday matinee. And Pk LOVED it! He got to sit in the kid’s section in the front row and was able to see all the action of the puppets and the actors and dancers. It was almost as fun for me to watch him watching the show as to watch the show itself. He was riveted.
When we got home, I downloaded some music from the show so we could sing along to it while Dani made her delicious potato leek soup for us.
A weekend sure can get filled up by the likes of us. We have a lot of life to live, that’s for sure!
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Car, Cough, Doctors and Culture
Posted on 2006.02.03 at 20:12
Current Mood: mixed
Current Music: Carwash
I thought to bring my computer to the waiting room here at the auto shop. In getting ready for the big church youth group ski trip to Lake Tahoe, I decided to get a tune up. Unfortunately, I got the news that my brakes are gone. Blah. It wouldn’t do to head into snowy mountains with bad brakes. So. Here I am.
Luckily, before the auto shop, I was able to get some quilting in. I’m grateful that I feel well enough to work in the studio. I REALLY don’t like the set-backs that plague me but am so glad to be able to get into a groove – even if only for a little while.
I think I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel for my cold. The coughing fits that racked my body have died down and I feel generally a little less tired. Unfortunately, my counts are in the dirt and that contributes to my fatigue. I would have thought with 6 weeks of a chemo break, I would have normal counts again. But they are just as bad as if I were on chemo. All of them – whites, platelets, hematacrit. It’s disheartening.
Another disheartening thing– well- maybe scary is more the word – is that I don’t think I can trust my oncologist any longer. We’ve had our disputes over these three years but I always had the sense that he was, for the most part, responsible. I can handle a difference in opinion. I expect him to give me western medical (fairly conservative) advice which I then use as I see fit based on my own intuition and education. But now I have very strong reason to believe that he is not able to responsibly handle my healthcare.
He has had personal problems the whole time that I have known him – and hey! Who doesn’t? But now I am seeing that he is letting it affect his work – specifically me. He sent a medical update to my dermatologist (the specialty that diagnoses PNP) recently with significant errors in it. There were incorrect dates, incorrect medications, incorrect medical information, incorrect personal information. I could hardly believe it. Thank goodness I saw the document and am well enough to be in a position to correct what was written. But what does that say? It’s not that it’s the first time things have gone wrong.
The doctor has had a very difficult time keeping professional boundaries with patients (me included) and with nurses – sometimes bringing my chemo nurses to tears. He forgets what is wrong with me, he forgets the dosages of my medications, he has threatened me when I did not want to heed his medical advice.
It’s difficult for me to go to another oncologist. But I feel that I must. At least for a second opinion. I mean I am three years plus into this fight . I am nowhere near ready to give up and I need someone who is totally on the ball and willing to work with me.
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On a different note, my heart is heavy as a mother. I can only imagine that I am in plenty good company when I lament about the difficulty of raising a child in today’s culture of rudeness. Pk has soaked in that sneer, the sarcasm and apathy and disrespect that I see everywhere in popular culture. Not as much as I see in some children, but enough to make me sad.
I try to keep what he sees to a minimum. No television at our house. Only G or PG movies once or twice a week. No large game systems (like game cube or x box) and only limited screen time on his hand held game boy. I screen the lyrics of the rap he listens to and try to find the balance of letting him enjoy what he enjoys while maintaining the values that I hold to be important.
We have lots of family time and reading and play dates with friends. There is a lot of music and dancing in the house and going to the beach and the woods nearby. We go to church and he attends a martial arts class called Aikido which means “The way to harmonize through energy.”
But still.
Rudeness is everywhere in our reality show / Bart Simpson / Desert Storm / South Park culture. Coupled with his anger about the divorce and his fears of the unknown future – he can be a little time bomb.
I take solace in his innate curiosity and love of life. And my core belief in the goodness in all people.
Mold, mothering and my sweetie
Posted on 2006.02.09 at 11:02
Current Mood: romantic
Current Music: Teenagers Kick Our Butts, Dar Williams
Mold, mold mold. Felton is a haven for mold - that is for sure! It is to be expected in the redwoods but sometimes it is shocking to discover something covered in mold that was only a couple of days ago perfectly fine. Such was the case with our luggage a few minutes ago. I took down a suitcase to fill it with ski clothes and voila! fuzzy little dots!
This weekend is the ski trip to Tahoe with the teens from church. There will be 13 kids and 4 adults. I am planning games and a worship service for them. I hope it is an enriching experience as well as safe and fun. Pk looks forward to snowboarding and hanging with all the older kids. I guess there is some advantage of being the child of a youth advisor.
We've been having such deep conversations lately. We have a long (1/2 hour each way) beautiful drive to school on winding, back mountain roads. Sometimes we just listen to music, sometimes Pk sings the whole time with no accompaniment. And, lately, he's been asking questions about the existence of leprechauns. We talk of telling the truth and of respect and responsibility. He's mentioned being angry about P leaving the state. And of his frustration with Dani's expectations of him. I am hoping to find a male therapist who will help us all interact smoothly. I feel like I am always learning as a parent and I so appreciate when Pk and I can have good quality conversations. Amid the chauffeuring and the tutoring and the maid service I provide, it is a crucial element of our relationship.
Mmmmm. Dani just brought me apple pie - she's so sweet. I know she wants so much to help me feel better. My counts are still down and I can't kick this cold yet. My muscles are screaming and my nerves are on edge. Poor Dani. There is nothing she can do when I am in my coughing fits. After she has handed me tissues and given me the bucket so I can throw up - there really isn't much else to do. She makes me tea, offers vitamins, cough drops and syrup. She stays close but it must feel pretty helpless. So apple pie and my joy at receiving it is good for both of us.
We've been together for a year. It's hard to believe - so much has happened. As a tribute - I am re-posting my journal entry from a year ago.
Current mood: surprised
Current music: Who Needs Sleep?, Barenaked Ladies
Not even if I tried
I couldn't make this up. Not even if I tried.
As a background, let me say what it took to get ready for my much anticipated Friday date with Southern Butch. First, of course, is child care. That was all planned in advance. Then, as you know, my battles with the transportation system have been ongoing and often. I had to get everything figured out if I was going to make it to the subway station four towns north of my home. The subway (called the BART) would take me into the Bay Area (San Francisco, Oakland or Berkeley) but I had to get to the station. That required me getting two doctor's appointments to have them fill out paperwork (got rides to those from friends.) Then I waited and finally received an appointment at Disability Services, where they would deem me eligible or not for their transportation system (called Outreach.) I hitched a ride to their office in the nearest major city and met with their Disability Services Eligibility Coordinator who (hysterically and accidentally) walked me into a wall. I guess I passed THAT test because I was sent a photo ID in the mail that makes me able to get to the BART station. I had to deal with the fact that they gave me an ID with the right picture but the wrong number but - whatever. I had to set up a bank account with Outreach and make a reservation to get to BART. I had to find a place to stay in the city for after my date with Southern Butch. It had to be someone who was willing to let me in at midnight (Jeannie is soooo amazing - four kids and a lot of extra beds and a big, big heart!) I had to find a flexible way to get home since I didn't know when I could make a return reservation and can't afford the double fare of a same-day reservation. I planned to see B of Lucille Design on Saturday morning and didn't know how long we would visit. I asked one of the teenagers from my youth group to be on call to pick me up at the BART.
Whew. All of that in order and it was time for more personal details. My housemate's daughter helped me choose the perfect outfit. Well, it was perfect after I took in (using a needle and thread) the sides to make it smaller. Try THAT squinting through one eye! And then there was the fact that I couldn't travel to the city without my ID which I had inadvertantly left at the home of our host for the clean and sober lesbian mother's Superbowl game (go Pats!) The little purse that I had left there also had my lipstick and my iPod earphones. No big deal but - I had to hitch a ride and get all of it. Another angel in my army of angels drove up the mountain, got me, brought me down the mountain to pick up the stuff, go to the bank, go to the post office (to mail out Valentines to my family) and then back up the mountain. Actually, he happened to be a hairdresser so we stopped at his salon and he cut my hair. Perfect for the date! Cute and short with little fringes on the side of my face.
Back up on the mountain, I burnt the heck out of my eyes but was SO incredibly pleased with a little handmade birthday card I had made for the friend of Southern Butch whose party we would be attending. Just as I was signing my name to the card, the phone rang. It was SB herself. I told her that I was all set and she said that she felt really badly. She was so sorry but she had to cancel.
I don't know how graceful I was. I was silent while she apologized and explained the hell of her week and berated herself for not being able to follow through. I said, "No, no you're not an asshole...No, no - it's much better that you're honest... No, no REALLY you're not an asshole. But I have to say that I am disappointed." (WHAT an understatement!!) I hung up and cried. If I could produce tears they would have been big, fat tears rolling down my cheeks onto my pouting bottom lip. Boo hoo hoo.
It took me a few minutes to recover.
Then I wiped away the imaginary tears, brushed off the imaginary dirt and decided that it was her loss and I was going to the city anyway. Damn it. I called Skwish and Sara (I had missed her birthday party and wanted to see them) and we made plans to go do something (we kept it vague) in the city. After that, I decided to make it a whirlwind visit and was very happy to find out that Darby and Laura could have me over for lunch on Saturday. If I hadn't had to come back for Pk, I would have liked to have seen a dozen more women but was happy to have the plan I did.
Dressed in a black halter dress covered with red cherries, I was on my way! It took almost 2 hours to get to the BART station and I was 45 minutes into the BART ride when the phone rang. It was another festival woman! She (being friends with SB) had heard that I was coming to town and wasn't going on my date. Hey! The more the merrier I said - DB could meet up with Skwish and Sara and me. Cool. I was pretty psyched because I had had a festival crush on DB for years but it never worked out because she was in a relationship since 94, then when she was single, I was way too sick and then when I was better, she was with someone else. As it turned out, she found herself surprisingly single and ready to go to an anti-Valentine's Day party on this night.
I arrived in Oakland and called Skwish. "You didn't get the message?" she asked. Noooo. She was unexpectedly in a different town, caring for her friend's children while her friend was in labor. There was no way we could get together but I could stay at her house if I needed a place to stay. I said no problem - I would figure something out. I called DB - "Hey! It looks like it's just us! We can go to that anti-Valentine's party if you want." She came and took me out for Thai (yumm!) and we caught up. By chance, she was housesitting for friends on the East Bay (the Oakland/Berkeley side) even though she lives in San Francisco. After dinner, we looked up on the internet what was happening. We had missed Lynnie's performance of the Vagina Monologues, the Citedel was only for men, there were things that were finished at 9 that we wouldn't get to in time. And then we found a very cool art exhibit style show called "Bondage and Bon Bons." Rope art and chocolate. How could we go wrong?
The show was great. DB told me when to look and my favorite was a sleeping beauty wrapped in red saran wrap, covered in fresh apple slices, cheese and thin mints, surrounded by grapes. She had pale skin and dark hair and an orchid behind her ear. She looked dead and I thought she was stunning.
After the show, we went to a local bar. There was an outdoor patio in the back with a fire pit in the middle. It was just like fesitval! The place was full of women's voices, cool air and warm flickering flames. And then she kissed me! I could not have made this up. I mean the sequence of events that had to take place in order for that kiss to happen. It was just too, too strange! Oh life is so bizarre and wonderful. We had a spectacular weekend - both together and seperately. After not much sleep (but who needs sleep when there is exploration?), I got to spend a great morning with B of Lucille Design, laughing, talking herstory and politics, drinking coffee and being real. Darby and Laura came and scooped me up, bringing back to their place. I was treated to my absolute favorite kind of meal (of appetizers a la Cher in Mermaids) made by Laura. She and Darby are such great hostesses and so gloriously happy together. Darby even broke out the vinyl so that we could listen to Styx while eating Laura's homemade cookies.
DB drove me home to the mountains and spent a cozy evening curled up in front of a movie next to the fire with Aa and his kids, Pk and me plus the 3 dogs. It was really, really great. Nope. I could not have made this up. It is crazier and better and more surprising than anything I could have planned.
What is even stranger is that, as I write this, DB and SB are eating dinner together back up in the Bay area (being that they're friends and all). Pk is snoring in the loft and I really should try to get some sleep.
On Edge
Posted on 2006.02.16 at 08:48
Current Mood: edgy
Current Music: Zippedy-do-da, Uncle Remus
I'm on edge.
It's not comfortable.
Part of it has to do with the cancer sitch. I went to the new doc who said straight up that there was no way to get rid of this cancer. and I guess I knew this, of course, but I thought it would be easy (easier?) to get it stable and to be in remission. The new doc said that the treatment my regular onc (ologist) suggested doesn't have any literature or studies to indicate that it might work. Not that I was going to take arsenic anyway.
It was super hard - super uncomfortable to make first contact with my doctor to let him know that I am going somewhere else. I still haven't had that conversation but at least I put a call in. I will probably feel better when that's over with. I hope it goes smoothly.
The new plan with the new onc- which is happening so fast but I guess it needs to - is to try the first chemo I ever tried (rituxin) again. If you remember, I went into anaphylactic shock the first time. But this time we're going to do it in the hospital and go really slowly and just use half the normal dose. And I'll have all the medical equiptment there if I need it.
If I can tolerate the Rituxin, it'll be weekly for a month and then a re-scan to see if it worked. Best case scenario is that pulmonary lesions go away, abdominal mass is decreased and I go on a maintenance dose every 3 or 4 months for the rest of my life. If the cancer is shrunk enough, perhaps I can wean off the IVIG without adverse effects.
Wear purple or light a candle, cross your fingers or pray or sing or something on Monday the 20th- just to wish me luck. And put in a good word for Audrey Driver from fest while you're at it. She is in a really tough place with a serious port infection.
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So the other thing that has me really on edge is my kids. The ski trip was really fun. Beautiful and amazing weather and views of Lake Tahoe. Just cut and paste the web link to see a picture.
http://www.skihomewood.com/tahoe/graphics/clients/skihomewood/99/photos/orecarWshore1-17lg.JPG
Stunning. The kids were bonding, we laughed a lot and had a great time. Pk got to snowboard. Even Dani tried her ski legs. We had a wonderful worship service and shared good meals together (thanks to Dani and Aa). All really positive. But Dani and Pk and I had to leave early. The night that we were not there, the other adults didn't supervise enough and the kids just didn't have enough integrity to keep them from breaking a pretty major covenant (rule, agreement.)
I am profoundly saddened by this. It puts the leaders in a difficult position with the parents. It puts me in a difficult position with the kids because they know it wasn't right and they wouldn't have broken their promise to me if I had been there. It's a mess. I want there to be natural consequences for their actions which were diliberately thought out. But telling their parents isn't probably going to do anything except alienate them.
Blah. It's sooooo uncomfortable. And very emotional.
I want to keep confidentiality but I don't want the message to be that anything goes and it's OK to break a promise or to set a terrible example / precident.
So I am on edge and kind of distracted (at best) and snippy (at worst). Dani lovingly pointed this out and asked if there was any way we could reframe the moment and I said that we could sing zippedy-do-da. Because, really, who can sing the chorus of that song and not feel at least a little better? So we did. And we laughed. We laugh a LOT.
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In other news - I am making friends up here on the mountain. There is a woman, Kem, who lives in a yurt on a big sunny piece of land where there is a huge fenced in vegetable farm just up the street from us. It is surrounded by 40 acres of redwoods and has a horse ranch. Kem has kids 10, 7 & 5 who are so much fun. They go to the same Aikido class...
http://www.northbayaikido.org/home.html
...as Pk so we carpool. She is living off the grid up there - all solar - rain catchment for water. Very cool.
On the same land as Kem is Serene and her (somewhat smaller) yurt. And Rob who has a tree landscaping business. He also helps on the horse ranch.
Then there is Ridge - who is my favorite. She is a former SF dyke who moved to the mountains to do woodworking and live in her Airstream trailer. She has the coolest tin can collection and stacks and stacks of wood - both fine hardwoods and driftwood pieces and some redwood burls too. She harvested branches from an amazing old Madrone tree that is older than old. It was in the historic Felton Cemetary before the cemetary was even there. She very generously gave us two beautiful knarled branches. One will be used over our mantle and one will be used as a perch for the birds when we fix up the aviary in the back yard. Ridge has the cutest little dog named Charlie who is a Boston Terrier and gets along famously with our Amica.
Down the street (just a couple of "blocks" from our house) is another horse ranch owned by a woman named Val whom we have not yet met. But we love to visit the horses and feed them apples. We also visit the fairy circle in the redwoods there. It's magical with towering trees and ferns, bits of mirrors tucked into the trees, little magical statues and glass art pieces hidden here and there. The caretaker called it the devil's playground but it seems more like heaven than hell!
At the local coffeeshop, the two Cree girls will NOT allow me to buy my coffee so I end up giving them tips in their carafe. They are so kind and it's so warm and good there at the White Raven. There are not too many coffee shops these days that can say that they've been locally owned and operated by the same people for 23 years. That's where the locals meet. And everybody helps everybody out. So and so needs to clear out some brush and someone pipes up that they can help. Dogsitting? Lawnmower repair? Bike parts? Water politics? Chain saw? No problem. It's all at the Raven between 7 and 9 AM. See a picture of our Main Street at
http://www.awhiteraven.com/aboutus.html
OK - I'll sign off for the moment. I feel better just talking. Now it's time to quilt.
Love, V
Purple Posts
Posted on 2006.02.21 at 07:19
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: kryptonite, green day
From the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival Discussion Board at www.michfest.com
I began the post:
V
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:28 AM
Please say a prayer, wear purple, cross your fingers, breathe quietly for a minute, light a candle, rub your lucky rock - whatever it is that you do to wish me best.
I'm on the way to the hospital to start a new chemo to try to rid the cancer that is in my abdomen and lungs. It's potentially a tricky chemo (because I have been allergic to it in the past) and I am nervous. It has the potential to bring me to the remission that I have not yet attained in this now three year battle. I am hopeful.
I envision me on the land in August and I want to see each and every one of you there.
You can reply to this post with just one word if you want. Then I'll know you're out there. How about purple?
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bluvoicegrl
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:33 AM
purple
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Tippy Deerlick
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:33 AM
PURPLE ALL OVER! Blessings, V. i'll be thinking of you...thanks for asking for what you need.
((((((((V)))))))
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malahat
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:40 AM
purple and prayers for you, Parker and Dani
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sweetmama
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:53 AM
purple...
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TravelSpirit
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:54 AM
crossing my fingers wearing purple gloves rubbing my rock with the hand painted picture of the earth goddess.
this is for you V ((((V))))
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tree child
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:55 AM
((((((((PURPLE))))))))
V, even though we've never met, I've followed the miracle of your life on these boards and have witnessed how the love of our festival family has gently supported and held you....feel that love and support now....and forever...
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Babs
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:59 AM
big love
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Dragonfly
Member posted 02-20-2006 12:16 PM
Sweet purple healing light encompassing you V.
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ctcycles
Member posted 02-20-2006 12:49 PM
Purple candles lit, warm and bright for you V.
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cypress
Member posted 02-20-2006 01:01 PM
purple
with love
be well
peace
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Drum Mama Sue
Member posted 02-20-2006 01:33 PM
Hey there V,
Doing all the above plus drumming out all the healing vibrations and singing all the life affirming chants ...knowing how scary trying something that you've had bad reactions too before is...
huge love...bushels and barrels and kiddy pools full!
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lisah
Member posted 02-20-2006 01:44 PM
rhodopsin
[a new word i just learned, which means: red photosensitive pigment in the retinal rods of marine fishes and most higher vertebrates that is important in vision in dim light -- called also visual purple]
visualizing purple here.
cheers, lisah
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birkenskates
Member posted 02-20-2006 02:12 PM
I am imagining you with that fabulous paint job last year. I can't remember if was purple or not, but I remember the flames.
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Midgie
Member posted 02-20-2006 02:14 PM
thinking of you...deb
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cfurby
Member posted 02-20-2006 02:27 PM
purple is a good word, my bedroom is filled with purple things and the candles will be lit tonight for you. However, "inspiring" is the word I'm choosing for you today. You are an inspiration. I can only hope to have half the heart you do if I am ever faced with what you are dealing with. Keep up the positive attitude!!
I'm seeing you at fest come August as well. I bought my raffle tickets from you last year, and plan to again this year! And next, and the year after that, and it would be so much easier if you would just commit to being there every year.
love and blessings,
furbs
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pschmatz
Member posted 02-20-2006 02:34 PM
deep purple.
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JAL
Member posted 02-20-2006 02:49 PM
Purple flowing silk to you.
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florentia
Member posted 02-20-2006 03:05 PM
Purple:
the deep violet of the hour before sunrise
the soft fuzzy grape shade of a cherished teddy bear
the magenta that was always the most-used crayon in the box.
Sending all shades of purple your way to support your healing, and as always, marveling at your continued bravery.
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LittleRugby
Member posted 02-20-2006 03:26 PM
imagining a one-eyed one-horned flying purple cancer eater swooping in to help with your fight!
i'll see you in august
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ShelleyL
Member posted 02-20-2006 03:33 PM
purple...purple...purple...infinite...
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Colelea_and_Eli
Member posted 02-20-2006 04:54 PM
purple!
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Hecate's Child
Member posted 02-20-2006 05:07 PM
Much purple to you....
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zoe122
Member posted 02-20-2006 05:24 PM
Harold and his purple crayon
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OpenHand
Member posted 02-20-2006 05:27 PM
puuuurrrrrrple.
soft sigh.
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GR Jean still
Member posted 02-20-2006 05:59 PM
I decided earlier today to have plum as one of the main colors on the first floor of my new home. Now I know why. Plum for you V. I feel like this is going to be something good. Hard but good.
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kcbluekitty
Member posted 02-20-2006 06:26 PM
Purple Rain of good chi~
Love,light and peace.
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Jennifer3141
Member posted 02-20-2006 06:31 PM
I'm thinking of a purple Michfest sunset viewed by all of us while we devour some hot and gooey S'mores with drumming in the background.
Jen
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DARTPatricia
Member posted 02-20-2006 06:36 PM
Always with you, dear V.
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MyJoey
Member posted 02-20-2006 06:43 PM
Lighting a candle for you.
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joannmur
Member posted 02-20-2006 06:47 PM
Big Love in a huge shimmering purple aurora borealis from the michigan sky encompassing your beautiful self.
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tessa
Member posted 02-20-2006 07:15 PM
wrapping you up in a purple quilt hand stitched with love.
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barbquilts
Member posted 02-20-2006 07:19 PM
purple, violet, grape, lavender, periwinkle, lilac and a big hug to you, V!
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flipper
Member posted 02-20-2006 08:39 PM
I havent checked the boards in ages.....musta known there was something important to read.
I will see you in August V. much love from Lorraine, Jen and Karen
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tld
Member posted 02-20-2006 08:47 PM
purple
xoxo
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Aymi
Member posted 02-20-2006 09:20 PM
((V))
Loving warmth and unencumbered healing energy to you, amazing one...
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McKennyAgain
Member posted 02-20-2006 10:24 PM
Purple purple and more purple
McKenny, Jake and Kate
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halfnelson
Member posted 02-20-2006 10:44 PM
I lit a candle for you, Grrl.
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Ro
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:06 PM
Purple iris's...
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SJA
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:12 PM
its a purple haze....
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luv2laugh
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:42 PM
purple peace and strength to you and yours...
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notthemouse
Member posted 02-20-2006 11:56 PM
puuuuurrrple
purrrrrple
purrrrppllleee
purple
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SchwaBird
Member posted 02-21-2006 12:06 AM
Hey V,
We've never met, but I have also been following your story on these boards. I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best.
PURPLE!!!!
-Elissa
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V
Member posted 02-21-2006 12:56 AM
I realize that my tears come from a bottle but they are still running down my face.
Thank you thank you thank you for each image, sound, action, thought and prayer. You are all so much bigger than me. We are so much bigger than just each individual.
Dani read the posts aloud to me throughout the day from her blackberry while I was in the hospital bed.
I am happy to report that after only 9 hours from the time I checked in to the hospital, I was able to leave. It was a totally successsful first day of Rituxin. We only had two minor allergic reactions. Each time, the nurses were completely right on it. I sneezed and mentioned that I don't usually sneeze. Then I could feel a strange prickling in my throat and before my throat could even TRY to close up, they were there! Zam! Needles in hand - all business. Medication stopped immediately, I was flushed and treated with a benedryl push and steroids within a minute of that sneeze. It was cool. We waited to start again at a lower rate. Then a couple of hours later, the same thing happened. Sneeze, Zam! Nurses, Needles. Stop everything and wait. Then we started over. Yes - very cool.
I've only got few symptoms like burning hands and a sore back and I am very, very tired. Dani was amazing - luckily it was a day off work. She rubbed my back and kept me company and brought me drinks. I am so grateful.
We got home and Brk and Pk were home from their camping and climbing adventure in the caves of Pinnacle National Park. Pk helped to describe the feeling I have in my legs after this chemo. He said he knew just what it felt like. He said that it's like Superman when he gets near kryptonite. And he is exactly right! That's EXACTLY how I feel!
Well - again - thank you. I thought of you all throughout the day - especially durning the lavenders of sunset. It was a success and I am 100% sure that you made a difference.
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PLANETEARTHGIRRL
Member posted 02-21-2006 01:43 AM
adding every shade and nuance of purple!
glad to read the nurses were so on top of it for you!
hugs/love to you, V, and pk and dani.
PEG
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lpstkdyke
Member posted 02-21-2006 01:50 AM
beathe in purple air, breathe in purple love,
goddess bless you with purple healing
lpstkdyke
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VStar
Member posted 02-21-2006 09:15 AM
Purple. email to follow
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ramonajane
Member posted 02-21-2006 10:09 AM
Much purple to you - and many more purple days ahead.
with love,
rj
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saxfire
Member posted 02-21-2006 10:26 AM
Did you know you if you google purple, there are 50,700,000 results returned?
Here's a whole store full of purple for you:
http://www.ThePurpleStore.com
A Lot of Life to Live
Posted on 2006.02.28 at 15:24
Current Mood: full
Current Music: Somewhere That's Green, Little Shop of Horrors
What does Nedra sing in the chorus of “Prozac”?
Never a moment dull.
Getting childcare for Pk was a bit of a mess today. My regular avenues kind of fell through and both Brk and Dani are out of town. Luckily, another friend (Ridge, the dyke ukulele maker that we met when we first moved to town) was able to pinch hit and take him to school and me to the hospital. I got in to the hospital’s OOU (Outpatient Oncology Unit) and got the message that I had to go back out into the storm and see the doctor for some “results that need to be discussed.”
Uh-oh.
So as it turns out, I tested positive for the Hepatitis B antigen – which I don’t think would be that serious an issue if I had an immune system. Lots of people have been exposed to it. It’s sexually transmitted and could possibly be from my IVIG transfusions but not through kissing! (yes, I can hear that great sigh of relief out there!) But for someone like me, I guess it’s not at all good. One of the major side effects of the new chemo (Rituxan) is to reactivate Hep B. I asked the new oncologist if it really was that big a deal (hoping for a “no, not really…”) He looked up at me over the glasses on his nose. “Yes. It’s a very big deal. It can be very dangerous if it breaks loose. We are definitely talking about fatalities.” Ulg.
For any of you with friends who have lived with HIV/AIDS, you’ll be familiar with Epivar, an anti-viral medication that helps to hold back both Hep B and HIV. The side effects of THAT medicine are pancreititus (which is a glorified word for stomach ache I think), nausea and vomiting.
The lovely nurse just handed me my first dose of the liquid yummy goodness. Blech. Bring on the water, I say!
It’s been a good chemo day though – the rate of infusion is much higher than last time and I’ve had no reactions at all. We really couldn’t ask for better in that department. And the nurses are so nice. And they fed me lunch – for which I am grateful. They even lent me their hand held phone because my cell doesn’t work in this vortex (no offence, Babs and Co.)
I was able to retrieve my messages that told me – entirely too late I realized with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach – that Pk was supposed to be picked up at noon. Parent /Teacher conferences this week. Eeeeeek! There was nothing I could do except call from the hospital to apologize profusely and thank the new school secretary who soooo graciously stayed TWO HOURS after work to play cards with Pk. I’m gonna have to do something nice for her. Brownies perhaps? Cala lilies from the garden? Sigh.
Now Ridge (did I mention that she used to live with Lynee Breedlove? Such a small world) is bringing Pk to Aikido and then she will bring me to my old oncologist’s office where I get to have that much-dreaded (oh – I mean anticipated) conversation about why I am leaving him. Doing the right thing is not always easy, I tell you.
Last night, I had the overwhelming feeling that I live a charmed life. A truly magical life. Is there anyone so happy? Is there anyone so lucky? So in love with her family? So in love with life?
If things were perfect, I would never lose my temper and I would exude loving kindness all the time– even to dogs and when I am pre-menstrual.
So it’s not perfect. But it is as close to perfect as I can think. At the moment when I thought this, I was winding down at the Sunday end of a fun-filled, magical weekend. Dani and I were sitting in the living room, having a gourmet picnic of homemade potato leek soup and asparagus (on sale for $1.50!!) in front of the crackling fire that Dani made from scrap lumber bartered with the woman who works at the barn down the street. The lights were dimmed, the rain was coming down hard and Parker was snug in his loft with James Bond.
In between bites of Dani’s fabulous, thick creation, we re-counted moments of the weekend. Was it only Friday when we slipped into a neighbor’s hot tub in the middle of the redwood forest? Our tummies full of brick-oven pizza, we counted in silence, with Pk and his buddy Cass, all the stars we could see. Kay Gardener’s “A Rainbow Path” wafted through the trees and a dimly lit statue of Quan Yin blessed us from up on the hill.
I watched Pk’s long hair dance as he slid under water to see how long he could hold his breath. Cass laughed at the farting noises the hot tub bubbles made. And when the boys each spontaneously snuggled into their mother’s arms, Dani noticed the vulnerability of this age when they are still little boys but know that they won’t be for long. I thought of my own mother, who would have been 58 that day, glad that we had honored her earlier in the day at breakfast.
Still steaming and in our white terri-cloth bathrobes, we left the boys for a sleepover and stopped in to our local grocery store for chocolate cake. Now, I have to say, there are not too many small towns where one CAN stop in for some all natural chocolate cake on a Friday night while wearing terri cloth robes and carrying a teacup Yorkshire Terrier (named Miss Ciely – we were dog sitting). I hope you can appreciate the picture. And Felton is so cool that they even offered us a little cart to hold. the. dog. while we shopped. It’s almost too much, you know? I was very, very tired at the end of a long-ass chemo/IVIG week but at that moment, pure glee is what I felt. Pure giggling glee.
We went home to snuggle, feed each other cake and watch a DVD documentary on Broadway: American Musical Theater. It was fascinating and I almost stayed awake for all of it! As part of life is not perfect, I fell asleep. For most people, that wouldn’t be an issue. But for me, it’s a terrible mistake. When I awoke, my prosthetic lenses were stuck to my eyes. Removing them was unbelievably painful. And I really should have irrigated them more than I did. I ended up temporarily damaging the cornea. Ah well – lesson learned. Ouch.
Saturday brought relief to the pain though. The lenses helped soothe the cornea, bathing them in saline. It didn’t hamper my spirits and we decided to have a day of local adventure. We picked up Pk early and used quilt money to splurge on breakfast at a diner called The Heavenly Café. We pas it all the time on the way to Pk’s school and have always wondered if it is good. It is. And the view is the most heavenly – great views of the canyon and mountains. As we sat there, the mountain fog lifted and it seemed as if it would actually be a better day than was predicted.
We stopped in downtown Felton (which consists of 50 or so independent businesses with quaint store fronts – gosh, I LOVE it!) because Pk said he wanted to get his haircut. It was his first trip to the barber. Dani cuts our hair and before Dani we went to a dyke hairdresser who charged $5 to cut his hair. So the barbershop thing was a big deal. The barber was Dennis, a crusty old guy who collects antique glass insulators (?who knew they were so beautiful??!!)
http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=4292981271&mode=guest
and all kinds of antique barber shop artifacts. He handed Pk a book from which to choose a hairstyle. I think Pk was a little overwhelmed and said most of the haircuts reminded him of Elvis. “Cut it all off,” he said. And then added, “Can I, Mama?” Sure. It was his hair. Why not? So out came the clippers and zzzzzzzzz off came all that hair. He grinned all the way through but stayed very still. I think the part that pleased him most were the miniature sideburns.
After that, we buzzed home, prepared to plant bare root roses, planted a raspberry bush and finished building the compost bin (made from discarded pallets by Brk) before setting off for Big Basin State Park – two towns away from our Felton.
www.bigbasin.org
On the way up the curvy mountain roads, we discovered the local feed and grain store where we could get a bale of straw for Pk’s archery target. We also discovered an archery store where we could get arrows that might survive a young archer’s practicing. We also discovered that we went the longest way possible and that we actually live much closer to the park than we thought. But no matter – the ride was stunning with moss-covered trees and filtered shafts of sunlight in the forest.
At Big Basin (which is a ginormous park with “18,000 acres of old growth and recovering redwood forest, with mixed conifer, oaks, chaparral, and riparian habitats” as the brochure says) we set off to find a waterfall that didn’t involve miles of hiking to see. I was a little weak still. But we ended up finding one of the campgrounds – the only one that offers rustic little cabins. We figured while we were there and it was off-season and nearly empty, we should do some re-conn just in case we ever wanted to go camping. We skipped from site to site, noting which sites offered the best views, the best privacy, and the best fire pits. Site 17 won hands down. Wow! There was an ancient stand of redwoods. One of the massive trees had fallen to form an excellent climbing opportunity that was probably a couple hundred feet long! The cabin was set way off the beaten path and the trails behind it led to a creek, which excited Dani quite a bit. The dogs loved our explorations and Pk picked up many a rock and stick to see how far they could be flung.
As we headed back home, we wound around the mountain roads and were shocked to see, peeking out from the trees on the downhill side, a bright golden pagoda. We caught just a glimpse of gold as we drove by. Dani turned the car around immediately and we tried to find the road that lead to it. We drove down winding roads, through more forest, not ever seeing the gold again. How could we have missed it? We went back to the place where first saw it and got out of the car. There, way down the side of the hill, was an older woman, dressed in a Buddhist monk’s fashion, shuffling along the path. And a black-tailed deer walking quietly.
We gave up the idea of discovering what the golden roof was all about, thinking that the only entrance must be a private and hidden. After a minute in the car, we saw the entrance to the monastery. We just hadn’t gone far enough on the main road! We headed in and introduced ourselves to the woman that we had seen earlier. She quietly and patiently explained all about the monastery (Taungpulu)
http://santacruzbud.tripod.com/taungpulu.html
We were honored to see the inside of the pagoda, used for prayers and ordination of monks. We spent a lot of time at the site where the remains of the holy man, Taungpulu, were interred. There were golden Buddha statues and golden Bangladeshi ornamentation with jewels that reflect the divine. It was very interesting.
Back home, after all of our adventures, it was nice to eat leftovers and help Pk set up his new archery sitch. He was thrilled to be able to put his new spray paint to work. Spray painting has been a fascination for a while. Now that we have a proper mask for him to wear, I keep trying to find spray painting opportunities. Making bull’s eye targets was perfect. He shot arrows until all the daylight was gone and it was time for his bath.
We watched the rest of the documentary while Pk watched She-Ra, Princess of Power.
http://members.aol.com/abishort/she-ra/shera.htm
and then it was time for bed.
Sunday brought even more adventure. We made it to church in time to sign up to be Sunday School teachers and to feed the homeless. The sermon on the spiritual implications of the disease of depression was, well, depressing. There was one very profound and surprising moment, though, when, at the very end, the guest minister asked people to stand in witness if they had been personally effected by depression. Almost every person stood up. It was quite powerful.
After the service, we met up with my secret pal (a child with whom I had been paired to do something special with.) He is a boy who was rescued from a Ukrainian orphanage at the age of three and he loves dogs. So even though it was pouring rain, we headed for the “Pooches in the Park” event. We even brought costumes to put on Miss Ciely and Amica. Unfortunately, the even will be held next week so no one got to see the feather boas and tiny sequined acrobat outfit. Oh well.
We decided to take the opportunity to visit some of the little shops in Felton where we never go. We went to the tattoo parlor to admire their sponge- painted walls. We went to the yarn shop, full of glorious colors and textures. We visited the feed and grain store where one can buy dog biscuits and bird seed from bulk bins. And we finally went into the mysterious looking shop that always has middle eastern and Indian rugs hanging off their front porch. It was full of rich golds and reds, bright greens and deep oranges. There were interesting Mongolian dresses and Turkish tapestries, batiks and silks, And one wall was devoted to hand picked and packaged teas in beautiful little bags. Just wandering through was quite an experience but we couldn’t stay long, we had a show to get to!
The local high school was performing “Little Shop of Horrors”. What a show! What talent! Dani and I kept looking at each other through the musical numbers, our mouths open, saying “Wow! These kids are REALLY good!” Someone obviously set the bar high for them because they were singing their hearts on in this rainy Sunday matinee. And Pk LOVED it! He got to sit in the kid’s section in the front row and was able to see all the action of the puppets and the actors and dancers. It was almost as fun for me to watch him watching the show as to watch the show itself. He was riveted.
When we got home, I downloaded some music from the show so we could sing along to it while Dani made her delicious potato leek soup for us.
A weekend sure can get filled up by the likes of us. We have a lot of life to live, that’s for sure!
.
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