Friday, March 03, 2006
March 2006 posts from Live Journal
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My Cameo
Posted on 2006.03.03 at 12:42
Current Mood: spooked in a good way
Current Music: Twilight Zone Theme Music
Hey! I'm in a book!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/097128914X/sr=8-1/qid=1141403595/ref=sr_1_1/103-7201649-2204619?%5Fencoding=UTF8
It was really fun to see our names (mine and Pk's and P's) in print - and even more fun to be part of such an amazing story! Steve McAllister definately has a way with words. It was soooo bizarre though - Pk wanted to hear the part that he was in in the story so I agreed to read it to him when we were all settled in bed at night. He made me promise not to say P's old name or to mention the parts with him. It was too hard for him to go back to the family that he had lost. So I read aloud (leaving out the parts that involved P) from the time Steve bought his motorcycle (just before he met us) to the place where, a few weeks later, he went riding off with my beloved leather jacket as a gift. In the middle of the passage that described being with our family, Steve (the author) spoke of sitting with us while I read bedtime stories to Pk and how I told them with such delight, that Steve wanted to hear more after Pk was asleep. Well - there I was - last night -reading aloud STEVE'S story as a bedtime story. It was a very strange / cool / Woah! moment! Very Twilight Zone!
---
Oh! Dani and I just took an intentional wrong way/ long way home and saw parts of our neighborhood that we had never seen. This place just gets cooler and cooler. I'm going to go out and take pictures of all the funky cool houses that are made of redwood logs and mossy green covered rooves and that have giant Alice in Wonderland mushroom sculptures and decks that hang off the canyons and are held up by sticks. It is so from a different era. I'll make a slide show and add it to the webite (which currently has two photo shows - a small beginning.)
www.alotoflife.com
I'm off to quilt -
V
OOU
Posted on 2006.03.10 at 10:41
Current Mood: observent
Current Music: Fill Me Up, Buttercup, Don't Break My Heart (thanks Ellen)
Today is like a weird dream at the hospital. For one thing, I am here. In and of itself, it's not that fun.
The OOU has been a parade of odd snippets of conversation and experiences - thus the weird dream quality to my day. To set the stage, there is no privacy here – we’re all in this together and we hear everything. So as I sit here waiting for the poison, I hear the nurse say in an uncomfortably firm voice: “Well, Mr. Kaplan,I am obligated to tell you that Dr. Poth frowns on alcohol during chemo…we just have to be clear about the side effects. Do you understand?” And then the disgruntled reply: “I KNOW what the doctor says and I don’t care. Wine has been part of my routine for too long to go changing my schedule now!”
An elderly woman in a Peptol Bismal pink jumper hands me a lunch menu that was xeroxed from a copy of a copy of a copy. I choose creamy macaroni and cheese with Italian green beans over the chicken salad sandwich.
My former doctor enters the OOU and we pretend not to see each other, which is less awkward than the alternative, I suppose. He sits with a weathered old man who seems like he’s done manual labor his whole life. “Have you ever had a bone marrow biopsy before?” the doctor asks.
I have. And I cringe when the old man answers in the negative, thinking, “Poor guy. He has no idea what he’s in for.” Sure enough, Pomeroy understates, “You’re going to feel some pressure.” The old man screams in a way that says he’s not normally a screamer. But, then again, these are not normal circumstances.
There’s a man who looks like someone who lives on the streets. When the nurses ask what he’s up to, he replies sarcastically, “Oh, I dunno. About 200 and 2 pounds.” His meds are causing him to retain water and he can no longer wear shoes.
My nurse marvels at my stoicism after he misses the line in my port. “Most people would be complaining loudly at having to get two sticks with the needle, especially with no lidocaine.” He doesn’t know what I have been though and how many times that I’ve been stuck. Not that it doesn’t hurt, mind you. It does. Every time. But I am used to it now and find that our day will go better if I am friendly. He nods in agreement.
I forgot to bring socks or slippers so my feet are freezing – even with the blankets that were kept in the heater layered on me.
A young 20-something Asian woman with bleach-to-orange blond hair walks in with her backpack slung over her shoulder. She asks if her regular spot is available. I am sorry that she has a regular spot.
A man who is just receiving a blood transfusion (he’s type A positive, not that I needed to know) wonders aloud if he will feel better after he gets the oxygen-enriched blood of a donor. By the time one needs a blood transfusion, there is not much place to go except up, I think to myself.
I am worried that I will have an accident. The new hepatitis meds cause urgent need to get the bathroom. With the lines and the pump and the stand, I might not make it to the bathroom on time.
Someone is using their individual mini television. It’s blaring the grunts and groans of a martial arts battle and broken glass. Unfortunately, there is no escape.
.
Outside of the OOU, each of these situations would be maybe a little odd. But here, it’s just par for the course.
Well, it’s time for that creamy mac and cheese. I can hardly wait.
Luck o the Irish
Posted on 2006.03.17 at 13:09
Current Mood: lucky
Current Music: Walk the Line, Johnny Cash
The incredibly friendly owner of the Felton Feed Store (where we buy our bird seed at fifty cents a scoop) asked me today where I got my spirit - from my mother or my father? Both, I said. He jumped from his seat and exclaimed, "Good answer!"
Humor, passion, stubbornness, work ethic, love at the core, a sense of adventure, loyalty, drive - all of these things I received from my parents. When I think of them as the teenagers that they were, receiving the news that *I* would be the end result of that weekend leave, I am humbled. It's nothing short of amazing that they managed to pull it off as well as they did - especially given where they came from.
But that's what we are - each of us: we are the products of our parents, for better or worse. We stand on the shoulders of them, of their parents and theirs before them. There are the people who raised us and the DNA from which we come so some of us are standing on lots of shoulders. And as I watch Pk, as I see my mother in his eyes, I am reminded of what a miracle *he* is.
I remember my mother's sorrow and tears when it was clear that the lesbian thing might not be a phase. She cried because she was afraid that I would get hurt in a world that is often not kind. She cried because she thought maybe she had done something wrong by allowing violence into our home (well, maybe that wasn't such a hot idea, but it's not why I'm a lesbian!). But she cried the hardest at the thought of not being a grandmother. I hope, in that way that only the optimist can hope for the impossible, that somehow her spirit is made different by Pk's existence. She sure would have loved him.
Here he is - just about nine years into this journey - a product of both those who are raising him and of the donor who gave his DNA. As I watch Pk, as I do a double take to see not only my mother but also the donor's children in his eyes, I am again humbled. Sometimes he looks JUST like them. And what has he carried from the donor? What strengths and demons does he have? Because the donor is not someone with whom I can spend much time, I can only base the answer on my limited experience with him (and what his wife tells me!) The donor has surely added exponentially to Pk's stubbornness and to his risk-taking tendencies. He has given Pk a warrior spirit and a dark sense of humor. Atheism, fierce independence and an inherent mistrust of authority have all been genetically passed down. I am sure of it. What he chooses to do with these gifts, among others, is what his life will be made of.
And so today I am thinking of the luck of the Irish (and of the Scottish.) What a lucky woman I am that two teenagers on the coast of Maine decided to give me a chance by bearing me and raising me with such intensity. What a lucky woman I am that the donor family (who, coincidentally, are also on the coast of Maine) decided to give me a chance to bear and raise a child with such intensity. We are all part of a line. What we do in this life, how far we take our part of the line, is all we have to give.
-------
Chemo is going well - one more week left and then a break until my CT scan in May. Love, lattes and backrubs from Dani make it all bearable. Tonight Pk is having a sleepover and we are having one of our two date nights of the month. I was reminded by a friend yesterday of what can happen if intentional communication, intimacy and unscheduled fun slip away. And I don't like that thought at all. I want to live every day as if I do not have tomorrow. I want to take NOTHING for granted - especially those who I love.
Almost there
Posted on 2006.03.23 at 16:35
Current Mood: No regrets
Current Music: Free Bootin' from Tom Sawyer Sountrack by John Williams
Dominican hospital. I’m not really going to miss this place. Oh, sure, the nurses are great. I have thoroughly enjoyed listening to their banter, making them laugh whenever possible. And the food? Well, what can I say? To quote a liberal politician when asked what she thought of the president (who was standing right next to her), the food “met all my expectations.”
I’ve been making use of these long infusions. I hand sew disks of fabric for a small(er) version of a yo-yo quilt which I will probably raffle off to raise money for medical bills. I catch up on the news with the complimentary hospital newspaper – not that there is anything worth catching. I listen to podcasts and the music of my youth from the computer (my ipod is dead due to a faulty hard drive) and I use colored pencils to sketch ideas for the new commissioned quilt.
I’m excited about the new commission. I get to interpret the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival (www.michfest.com) in cloth. Twist my arm!!
I am thinking ferns and greens and the nighttime silhouette of the oak tree in the nightstage bowl. I am thinking of a deep, dark, starlit sky. I am thinking a rainbow of colors that will represent the audience. I am thinking, of course, of the chocolate pudding parade.
The doctor says that if we get good results from the CT scan in May, I very well might be DONE for the foreseeable future. That would certainly be welcome news. It's hard to believe that I'm almost there. Life without chemo and constant blood monitoring and appointments - I almost don't know what I'll do. I'm sure IVIG and life will keep me busy.
Nope – I’m not going to miss this place at all.
Hope you’re well - V
Latinos Unite
Posted on 2006.03.29 at 12:02
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: From a Distance, Nanci Griffith
Have you seen what's going on? The internet is changing the world and getting young(er) people involved. Myspace and blogs and text messaging about immigration issues have people fired up! Participation in politics can only make it a better system in my opinion. Locally, kids have taken to the streets - protests everywhere - schools freaking out because of mass walk-outs and students taking to the highways. While that seems pretty dangerous, I appreciate the passion.
A quote by George Hunsinger, McCord professor of theology at Princeton Theological Seminary and coordinator of Church Folks for a Better America. He told us,
"No human being -- whether citizen or non-citizen -- should be placed outside the protections of the law. No one who performs needed work should be denied fair wages and decent conditions. A society that exploits immigrants for their labor while declaring them illegal is caught in a tangle of contradictions."
.
.
.
.
My Cameo
Posted on 2006.03.03 at 12:42
Current Mood: spooked in a good way
Current Music: Twilight Zone Theme Music
Hey! I'm in a book!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/097128914X/sr=8-1/qid=1141403595/ref=sr_1_1/103-7201649-2204619?%5Fencoding=UTF8
It was really fun to see our names (mine and Pk's and P's) in print - and even more fun to be part of such an amazing story! Steve McAllister definately has a way with words. It was soooo bizarre though - Pk wanted to hear the part that he was in in the story so I agreed to read it to him when we were all settled in bed at night. He made me promise not to say P's old name or to mention the parts with him. It was too hard for him to go back to the family that he had lost. So I read aloud (leaving out the parts that involved P) from the time Steve bought his motorcycle (just before he met us) to the place where, a few weeks later, he went riding off with my beloved leather jacket as a gift. In the middle of the passage that described being with our family, Steve (the author) spoke of sitting with us while I read bedtime stories to Pk and how I told them with such delight, that Steve wanted to hear more after Pk was asleep. Well - there I was - last night -reading aloud STEVE'S story as a bedtime story. It was a very strange / cool / Woah! moment! Very Twilight Zone!
---
Oh! Dani and I just took an intentional wrong way/ long way home and saw parts of our neighborhood that we had never seen. This place just gets cooler and cooler. I'm going to go out and take pictures of all the funky cool houses that are made of redwood logs and mossy green covered rooves and that have giant Alice in Wonderland mushroom sculptures and decks that hang off the canyons and are held up by sticks. It is so from a different era. I'll make a slide show and add it to the webite (which currently has two photo shows - a small beginning.)
www.alotoflife.com
I'm off to quilt -
V
OOU
Posted on 2006.03.10 at 10:41
Current Mood: observent
Current Music: Fill Me Up, Buttercup, Don't Break My Heart (thanks Ellen)
Today is like a weird dream at the hospital. For one thing, I am here. In and of itself, it's not that fun.
The OOU has been a parade of odd snippets of conversation and experiences - thus the weird dream quality to my day. To set the stage, there is no privacy here – we’re all in this together and we hear everything. So as I sit here waiting for the poison, I hear the nurse say in an uncomfortably firm voice: “Well, Mr. Kaplan,I am obligated to tell you that Dr. Poth frowns on alcohol during chemo…we just have to be clear about the side effects. Do you understand?” And then the disgruntled reply: “I KNOW what the doctor says and I don’t care. Wine has been part of my routine for too long to go changing my schedule now!”
An elderly woman in a Peptol Bismal pink jumper hands me a lunch menu that was xeroxed from a copy of a copy of a copy. I choose creamy macaroni and cheese with Italian green beans over the chicken salad sandwich.
My former doctor enters the OOU and we pretend not to see each other, which is less awkward than the alternative, I suppose. He sits with a weathered old man who seems like he’s done manual labor his whole life. “Have you ever had a bone marrow biopsy before?” the doctor asks.
I have. And I cringe when the old man answers in the negative, thinking, “Poor guy. He has no idea what he’s in for.” Sure enough, Pomeroy understates, “You’re going to feel some pressure.” The old man screams in a way that says he’s not normally a screamer. But, then again, these are not normal circumstances.
There’s a man who looks like someone who lives on the streets. When the nurses ask what he’s up to, he replies sarcastically, “Oh, I dunno. About 200 and 2 pounds.” His meds are causing him to retain water and he can no longer wear shoes.
My nurse marvels at my stoicism after he misses the line in my port. “Most people would be complaining loudly at having to get two sticks with the needle, especially with no lidocaine.” He doesn’t know what I have been though and how many times that I’ve been stuck. Not that it doesn’t hurt, mind you. It does. Every time. But I am used to it now and find that our day will go better if I am friendly. He nods in agreement.
I forgot to bring socks or slippers so my feet are freezing – even with the blankets that were kept in the heater layered on me.
A young 20-something Asian woman with bleach-to-orange blond hair walks in with her backpack slung over her shoulder. She asks if her regular spot is available. I am sorry that she has a regular spot.
A man who is just receiving a blood transfusion (he’s type A positive, not that I needed to know) wonders aloud if he will feel better after he gets the oxygen-enriched blood of a donor. By the time one needs a blood transfusion, there is not much place to go except up, I think to myself.
I am worried that I will have an accident. The new hepatitis meds cause urgent need to get the bathroom. With the lines and the pump and the stand, I might not make it to the bathroom on time.
Someone is using their individual mini television. It’s blaring the grunts and groans of a martial arts battle and broken glass. Unfortunately, there is no escape.
.
Outside of the OOU, each of these situations would be maybe a little odd. But here, it’s just par for the course.
Well, it’s time for that creamy mac and cheese. I can hardly wait.
Luck o the Irish
Posted on 2006.03.17 at 13:09
Current Mood: lucky
Current Music: Walk the Line, Johnny Cash
The incredibly friendly owner of the Felton Feed Store (where we buy our bird seed at fifty cents a scoop) asked me today where I got my spirit - from my mother or my father? Both, I said. He jumped from his seat and exclaimed, "Good answer!"
Humor, passion, stubbornness, work ethic, love at the core, a sense of adventure, loyalty, drive - all of these things I received from my parents. When I think of them as the teenagers that they were, receiving the news that *I* would be the end result of that weekend leave, I am humbled. It's nothing short of amazing that they managed to pull it off as well as they did - especially given where they came from.
But that's what we are - each of us: we are the products of our parents, for better or worse. We stand on the shoulders of them, of their parents and theirs before them. There are the people who raised us and the DNA from which we come so some of us are standing on lots of shoulders. And as I watch Pk, as I see my mother in his eyes, I am reminded of what a miracle *he* is.
I remember my mother's sorrow and tears when it was clear that the lesbian thing might not be a phase. She cried because she was afraid that I would get hurt in a world that is often not kind. She cried because she thought maybe she had done something wrong by allowing violence into our home (well, maybe that wasn't such a hot idea, but it's not why I'm a lesbian!). But she cried the hardest at the thought of not being a grandmother. I hope, in that way that only the optimist can hope for the impossible, that somehow her spirit is made different by Pk's existence. She sure would have loved him.
Here he is - just about nine years into this journey - a product of both those who are raising him and of the donor who gave his DNA. As I watch Pk, as I do a double take to see not only my mother but also the donor's children in his eyes, I am again humbled. Sometimes he looks JUST like them. And what has he carried from the donor? What strengths and demons does he have? Because the donor is not someone with whom I can spend much time, I can only base the answer on my limited experience with him (and what his wife tells me!) The donor has surely added exponentially to Pk's stubbornness and to his risk-taking tendencies. He has given Pk a warrior spirit and a dark sense of humor. Atheism, fierce independence and an inherent mistrust of authority have all been genetically passed down. I am sure of it. What he chooses to do with these gifts, among others, is what his life will be made of.
And so today I am thinking of the luck of the Irish (and of the Scottish.) What a lucky woman I am that two teenagers on the coast of Maine decided to give me a chance by bearing me and raising me with such intensity. What a lucky woman I am that the donor family (who, coincidentally, are also on the coast of Maine) decided to give me a chance to bear and raise a child with such intensity. We are all part of a line. What we do in this life, how far we take our part of the line, is all we have to give.
-------
Chemo is going well - one more week left and then a break until my CT scan in May. Love, lattes and backrubs from Dani make it all bearable. Tonight Pk is having a sleepover and we are having one of our two date nights of the month. I was reminded by a friend yesterday of what can happen if intentional communication, intimacy and unscheduled fun slip away. And I don't like that thought at all. I want to live every day as if I do not have tomorrow. I want to take NOTHING for granted - especially those who I love.
Almost there
Posted on 2006.03.23 at 16:35
Current Mood: No regrets
Current Music: Free Bootin' from Tom Sawyer Sountrack by John Williams
Dominican hospital. I’m not really going to miss this place. Oh, sure, the nurses are great. I have thoroughly enjoyed listening to their banter, making them laugh whenever possible. And the food? Well, what can I say? To quote a liberal politician when asked what she thought of the president (who was standing right next to her), the food “met all my expectations.”
I’ve been making use of these long infusions. I hand sew disks of fabric for a small(er) version of a yo-yo quilt which I will probably raffle off to raise money for medical bills. I catch up on the news with the complimentary hospital newspaper – not that there is anything worth catching. I listen to podcasts and the music of my youth from the computer (my ipod is dead due to a faulty hard drive) and I use colored pencils to sketch ideas for the new commissioned quilt.
I’m excited about the new commission. I get to interpret the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival (www.michfest.com) in cloth. Twist my arm!!
I am thinking ferns and greens and the nighttime silhouette of the oak tree in the nightstage bowl. I am thinking of a deep, dark, starlit sky. I am thinking a rainbow of colors that will represent the audience. I am thinking, of course, of the chocolate pudding parade.
The doctor says that if we get good results from the CT scan in May, I very well might be DONE for the foreseeable future. That would certainly be welcome news. It's hard to believe that I'm almost there. Life without chemo and constant blood monitoring and appointments - I almost don't know what I'll do. I'm sure IVIG and life will keep me busy.
Nope – I’m not going to miss this place at all.
Hope you’re well - V
Latinos Unite
Posted on 2006.03.29 at 12:02
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: From a Distance, Nanci Griffith
Have you seen what's going on? The internet is changing the world and getting young(er) people involved. Myspace and blogs and text messaging about immigration issues have people fired up! Participation in politics can only make it a better system in my opinion. Locally, kids have taken to the streets - protests everywhere - schools freaking out because of mass walk-outs and students taking to the highways. While that seems pretty dangerous, I appreciate the passion.
A quote by George Hunsinger, McCord professor of theology at Princeton Theological Seminary and coordinator of Church Folks for a Better America. He told us,
"No human being -- whether citizen or non-citizen -- should be placed outside the protections of the law. No one who performs needed work should be denied fair wages and decent conditions. A society that exploits immigrants for their labor while declaring them illegal is caught in a tangle of contradictions."
.
.
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