V's Version

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all the feedback and remission IS bloody good news!

I still have to deal with that crazy skin-blistering disease that I have but now that the cancer is in remission, I will try to wean off the outrageous pooled blood product that is more expensive than gold and much harder to find.

Lots of people have been asking me if I feel any different. Or what does being in remission mean.

I guess I would sum it up in one word: future.

None of us really knows how long we have. all we have is now. And while that will always be true, I think I can plan on what to wear at my wedding. (!!!!)

I can let myself daydream of Pk in college without crying.

I can start a business (if someone didn't want an actual quilt because of money or space or whatever - do you think they might want to buy greeting cards with photos of my quilts on them? Just a thought.)

www.alotoflife.com

As a quilter in the Santa Cruz, Felton, Soquel, Aptos, Ben Lommond, Boulder Creek, Capitola, Watsonville, Monterey, CA area, I create dynamic new art and crazy quilts, custom design unique artquilts, restore damaged antique and vintage quilts. I hand and free motion machine quilt and embroider, using new and vintage fabrics, photographs on cloth, t shirts, baby clothes and family memories. The important thing is to present each client with a one of a kind piece that is infused with memory and meaning. I hope that you will visit the gallery on my website and contact me with inqueries.

Future is a good thing.

Thanks for helping me see it!


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Today two requests for quilts came in. If I had tears, they would be of joy and astonishment. I am honored, I am excited. Oh to be working at what I am called to do! I just can't believe it.

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I knew I was feeling more than a little crazy when yesterday I found myself in the kitchen on my hands and knees scraping off the dots of paint left by previous tenants from the linolium floor with an X-acto blade.

What did it matter?

But this was P's first visit to our - Dani's and my - home. I hadn't seen him in almost a year. He hadn't seen Pk in over 6 months. I wanted everything to look nice even if he probably could not have cared any less whether there was paint on the floor or spider webs behind the couch or a swept walkway. I was torn by crazy thoughts: do I want to present my elegant home in all of it's glory and be proud of what we have done with found objects and and luck and cloth? or do I want to hide my joy so as not to risk further alienation? Back and forth the volley of questions went: do I give him the $20 food gift cards that I get from the food pantry so that his limited funds can stretch further and maybe he can take Pk to a movie? or do I let him fund this rare visit by himself and have him experience the full impact of what it takes to raise a child with no financial support from the other parent?

In the end, thank heavens, I am called to be my best self. I am called to act in the ways that I would want to be treated. I polished and dusted and bought all the foods that I thought he would like for dinner. Dani and I left them at the house and came to SF (staying at a friend's) so that Pk and P could have the weekend together where Pk is comfortable - in his own room surrounded by his own toys. I gave him the food gift cards and I didn't ask about child support (because he just doesn't seem to be in any position to offer it) and I didn't even mention eating vegetables or limiting video games. I wished them a good time together.

That is love and I am blessed to have the capacity for it. All this time has passed and I still feel the tug toward anger or resentment. I see those tugs as more shallow reactions to my own pain. Healing of deep pain can only happen with a deeper response to it: with love, compassion, forgiveness.

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Current Mood: euphoric
Current Music: How Can I Keep From Singing?


1,270 days after the word cancer entered my life, I have one word for you. One sweet word, people:

Remission.

OK. Two words.

Hallelujia!

V