V's Version

Positive Proof of Global Warming


And now an animation called "Go Green or Else" by my favorite four eyed monsters.

Only we can change the environment! I realize that I cannot change everything that there is to change. I still use plastic sandwich bags (although I wash them and reuse them.) I still buy coffee and forget my to-go mug. I still commute. I am not perfect in my goal toward zero impact.

Some changes I have made:

A switch to post-consumer recycled paper products when I buy papaer products at all.

I use cloth napkins.

I compost.

I do not eat at fast food restaurants.

I made a committment to buy local or LOO - produce, products...local whenever possible

I refuse more and more to shop at the chain stores and Costco and big box stores. I don't care how cheap the prices are - they are too expensive.

I carpool.

I garden more than I shop for clothes or stuff.

I take less showers and wear my clothes longer.

I volunteer. A lot.

I do not watch TV.

I am a Unitarian Universalist in a church running on solar power.

I made a commitment to buy a biodiesel vehicle.

I avoid (whenever possible) buying from China (both to boycott their occupation of Tibet and to avoid funding environmental disasters and human rights violations.)

I reuse and recycle whenever I can.

I can do more. You can do more. For now, lets support Al Gore. He wants us to write to Congress. I did. It took less than a minute.

Labels: Al Gore, biodiesel, climate crisis, compost, easy, environment, lesbian family life, recycle, things to do to make the world a better place, Unitarian Universalist, volunteer

Fat Activist Community and friends gathered to remember and commit to keep Heather MacAllister's spirit alive. Gavin Newsom (Mayor of SF) proclaimed the day officially Heather MacAllister Day for her amazing work in the GLBT and Fat Communities as well as with Muslim sexual minorities. It was a throroughly sad and bittersweet day - to see in a pagan ritual the gate between the world opened, to say goodbye for one last time, to see the gate closed. It was so profound to stand there with Parker in front of me and Dani behind me, feeling the full impact that this funeral could have been mine.

The wake at El Rio (where Dani and I attended without Parker) was a fitting tribute with the mic open to all - close companions, co-workers and admirers from all walks. There were beautiful flowers and plenty of chocolate. The Heather MacAllister Fund for Fat Fashion (see below) was introduced and we gave generously. I performed Fat Girl Thoughts (found here) to the most understanding and perceptive audience that has ever received it. What an honor to be among people who TOTALLY got it.

The photograph above is on the front cover of Section B of the San Francisco Chronicle today and is by Katy Raddatz. The full article is here.

And for those of you who are closer friends and want to be connected across the miles, here is a link to the whole afternoon, graciously documented by Dante.

Please support Heather's dream of the Fat Fashion College Scholarship Fund. Heather wanted very much to start a scholarship fund to provide small scholarships for fat college students to buy clothing that would make them look and feel fabulous. Checks can be made to Cullum Law Heather MacAllister College Scholarship Fund (or Cullum Law
Scholarship), and mail to Carole Cullum, 1390 Market St., Suite 818, San Francisco, CA 94102, 415-863-94102

Mental Snapshots of Our Wedding Reception

I was hoping to get pictures of our glorious wedding reception up on the internet before now but it’s been tricky to actually find photographs. Our young photographer didn’t show up (sadly) so we are counting on those who had cameras to help us out.

In the meantime, I had this idea that I could describe the snapshots that I have in my own memory of the event. It’s OK if you don’t know the person I am describing – just see them as the beautiful souls that they are – sharing in a labor of love.

The first snapshot is actually of the back of Jennifer’s blonde head. She was moving too fast to get a posed picture. She was setting up tables with us the night before the party. Behind her, rolled out on the floor, is the banner that she made: It’s All About the Love. Later that would go above the front doors of the church along with a 24- foot sparkling red metallic garland. .

Then there is the image of the church sanctuary transformed. The long tables arched in a semi circle to face the beautiful natural wood upright piano and a wee platform stage decorated with hearts and gold records across the front. The tables themselves are covered with off white tablecloths and shimmering red fabrics from my quilting stash. The centerpieces are a collage of gold painted recycled vinyl albums, lichen covered branches harvested from the redwoods, red and white candles of varying heights, gold and red shiny and frosted balls and tiny thin strands of gold tinsel. Sprinkled on the table are hearts cut from Dutch Boy paint chips in all the reds and pinks I could find in the hardware store. There are paint-chip hearts hanging from ribbons on each of the 14 20-foot windows that overlook the forest.

We flash to a zany restaurant in the redwoods where the wait staff jumps on stage at random moments to bump, grind or put swords on their heads while belly dancing. Jennifer is blushing at the raunchy lyrics and we are all glad that Pk is at a friend’s house watching a movie.

The next morning, Parker is the model of a gentleman as he greets Dani coming in from the store with arms full of ice. He has a white napkin folded over his left arm as he bows and says, “Welcome. Won’t you please come in to join us for pancakes? We have an array of syrups to choose from.”


A candid of Po in her blue flannel shirt. She and Terri flew in from Indiana the night before and have arrived for pancakes and a morning walk in the redwoods. Except that it is raining so hard that it seems silly to even step outdoors. (Not that rain deters determined women.)

The next picture is of Terri covering her fragrant leather jacket with my impromptu raingear as she walks off to see the giant sequoias for the first time.

An image of two chipper faces in the doorway: Julie and Jaiya have come to socialize and help set up. At the time of this hug we would have NO IDEA of the power of this dynamic duo.

We flash to the kitchen at the church where the dynamic duo has joined forces with the very epitome of efficiency and experience: Terri Lynn and Erin are on the scene and bring years of git-it-done attitude to the whirlwind of plates and platters and clinking coffee cups.

Nina shows up with Thai spring rolls and peanut sauce and her daughter Ace trailing behind.

I am smiling at Dandypants who found a vintage Valentine song as Dani, Jennifer and I set up the larger than life projected slideshow of Team Go-Go and handmade Valentine art.

The snapshots of people and moments are happening faster than I can take them in so here they are in no particular order – like a stack of magic Harry Potter- style moving photographs that have been splayed out on the carpet for everyone to enjoy:

A purple and orange skull airbrushed onto Parker’s arm as he jumps around the crowded sanctuary.

Later, a flaming pie on his back and bullet holes on his chest.

Clay (the airbrush artist) is surrounded on all sides by Ace, Mia, Joe, Hannah, Cameron, Teagan, Ashlee, Anastasia, Hannah, Tamara, Ted and Marley. The overhang outside where they stand is the overflow area because there aren’t enough seats for everyone.

V and Matt hugging in the doorway – can it be true that he is getting ready for collage?

And Ezra – who now is so tall that he has to bend down to me to give a hug -is there because he wants to be there – not because Marijka insisted.. Having the teenagers attend our reception is so deeply meaningful to me.

Having Pete and Hap leave the Cactus Jungle for the day is deeply meaningful to Dani. It is no small thing to ask of a couple of entrepreneurs.

In fact – anyone who came over those winding roads of Highway 17 deserves a special place in our hearts. To say nothing of the ones who flew in just for the day!

Nikki is resplendent in her brilliant Chinese red silk jacket – looking pregnant only by the glow of her face.

Tim, Heather and Hannah slip in the queue for cake – they tell me that I am the bride so I can cut in line.

Gwyneve and Sander – smiling and always next to each other.

Parker's Big Brother, Larry, says "I haven't actually seen Parker."

Jess from Lansing (but really from Indiana now) has a smile wider than a Chicago gangster’s tie. She meets with the other Hoosiers while Dandy tries to organize the missing track names for the dance music.

Hilda and Carly are in a race around the crowded room to see who can fill up their mingle bingo card first.

Lora Lee (the President of our church) walks up to Lisa, Lia, Maryasha and Hannah with her bingo card. “Do any of you drive a big rig? No? Well – have any of you been to the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival?” We all laugh. Lisa (who has produced it for 32 years) quietly says “I can sign that.”

Ron and Dick come in with April. Oh, April. She is always so perfectly dressed and this afternoon is no different – she is wearing warm chocolate brown pants and a soft petal pink blouse with a matching beaded necklace. She is smiling and probably very glad to be in off those terrible stormy mountain roads.

Ron takes most of the photographs we have to mark the event.

Terra is there telling us news of Scott’s mother.

And Judy! Another cancer fighter with the guts of an artist who knows what it’s like to fly without a net.

Woody gets the whole crowd laughing when he sings the Keep Santa Cruz Weird song “and did I mention that we really really really don’t like war?”

Iran is telling Dani that we HAVE to cut the cake. Do not mess with an Iranian grandmother of legions – even if she is tiny.

Jenny is there and she brought Timmy and Teddy and her mother in law Corrine. Jenny has been my off-again-on-again oncologist throughout this battle with cancer. Her children are as different as kids from the same parents can be and I am pleased to see them all.

Linda is leaning over to tell me that it’s Melissa’s birthday today and that she is thinking of me.

Edy is dancing. So is Helen. As are Jamie, Suse, Eileen, Jan and Deanna. ]The chartreuse of Eve’s silk jacket is the perfect compliment to Brook’s hot pink bridesmaid gear. The dance floor is a riot of color.

Meg and Amy - so kind -– waiting until after all the sound hullabaloo to tell us about the special early spring flower they have planted. We can hardly wait to watch their garden grow this year!

I plunk a chair down in front of Brett and Johanna. Because she has been my friend since the eighth grade in Portland, Maine, I want to stop time so that everyone in the room freezes and we can talk, slowly sipping the delicious punch made from mango and orange and sparkling ginger ale. But time does not stop.

Cassie and Angela look proudly upon Nedra like a couple of Aunties watching a recital.

Nedra – on stage – tuning her guitar and saying that I am willful – and she means that in the most divine way….


Nedra – on stage – tuning her guitar and saying that I am willful – and she means that in the most divine way…. And then her songs - what a treat to hear them live - as I sat with my head nuzzled on Dani's shoulder.

Dani and I are Prince Charming and Cinderella sitting at the ball on Carol’s just-vacated piano bench to watch with fascination a quiet boy named Dale - all dressed in black- turn into a hunk, a hunk of burning love before our very eyes.

Karen and Bruce apologizing for not being able to be there for the whole party.

Dani is feeding me cake while people flash pictures of us. I am feeding Dani cake – only her piece is bigger. We are both feeding Parker cake. It is the only cake we will eat at the party.

A flash of Stephen’s handsome face bending down to touch the top of Sharon’s mane– of Nora with his camera – of Alison waiting for cake and Fred and Eve taking off their jackets – of Bill laughing near the stage

Doug and Kara show up with an entire flower shop of crimson roses, Gerber daisies and early spring blooms of pinks and reds. They also bring frosted heart covered sprinkled cupcakes and Tory too!

I look out the window to see Keenan and Xander (who have never met) foraging in the damp forest for beautiful mushrooms. Pamela is eating cake.

Jennifer is serving cake and telling me we need more forks.

Jane is in the kitchen but has to get back to Dave who stayed home.

Lee – or was it Lorraine? – told me I looked radiant.

I feel radiant but also like I want to be in a hundred places at once. And I want to hear more of Carol’s lovely piano solos instead of loud and unfamiliar music. Where is my playlist?

It’s a good thing that Dani tried the tamales before the party because she is certainly too busy during the party to eat. I hide a piece of tiramisu on the windowsill for later. I hide a vegan chocolate one too but it gets lost.

The Parker clan is dressed for the formal and I could not have asked for better fashion. Aaron and Ivan’s suits are crisp and sharp and Clare looks like a modern day princess at the prom. Brandon wears a red Hawaiian shirt and at one point he shouts “Hey! I made that music” as magic twinkles from the speakers.

Dani and I dance to Allison Krauss with the other lovebirds and then all of us get down to Staying Alive with Parker and his friends. When did disco turn to break dancing?

Darby and Laura (who were present for my first date with Dani) remind me that Darby accidentally walked me into Pete and Hap’s cactus back when I was blind. I laugh to remember (how could I have forgotten?!)

Joey is stunning in her perfectly cut dress and model gorgeous lips: “You told me to bring Bryan! So here’s Bryan!” Sweet Bryan. I cannot believe that they drove over the mountains in this rain. Even if they got to do a Boardwalk photo shoot – it still seems crazy. I cannot express my gratitude for the pouring of love from my friends.

Lee and Kevin and Samantha look like they just walked out of a Valentines window display at Macy’s. They are dressed in brilliant reds – handsome and beautiful and laughing. What an incredibly generous trio they are.

Sylvia in the kitchen – teaching people how to organize the dishes from left to right. Thank heavens. And Serena – she is a four and half foot streak of lightning as she zips the plates and forks in to be washed and put back out again.

Patricia is the only one to show up from Dani’s office. She brought Marcus and – bless them – they don’t know anyone. Not even mingle bingo helps them I am afraid.

The Blumes in a cluster – they are all here! What a lovely surprise!

And Thomas with his partner and her daughter whom we had never met.

Lynn’s daughter Adrian has grown three feet since last I saw her .

Dani’s friend Christina is standing with a really pretty girlfriend and Shelia’s friends make us laugh several times. It’s fun to be at a party where I don’t know some of the people – and there are lots of lesbians!

“Where did you hide them all?” asked Krystal who could only look but not touch now that she and Patrick are a solid item.

I wonder if anyone is trying to solve the trivia questions of love song lyrics and famous quotes that we set upon the table? The thought flies in and quickly out of my head.

My nurse Mary shows up later in the party and all I notice is her smile and that she looks lovely and not nurse-like at all in her party dress!

Curtis hauls in late too - literally just coming in off the road from Shreveport, Louisiana with his niece and his emptied caravan truck in tow. We are able to donate a lot of money from wedding gifts to his Follow Your Heart Action Network in hopes of being able to help the effort of rebuilding the beleaguered south.

Barbara also comes late on the scene but makes up for it by handing us a bright colorful “bouquet” of her floral photography. The clean-up is in full swing by then so we will have to wait until later to enjoy them.

Mary Bailey saying ‘Well – I guess I missed most of it..” But it’s not her fault – loud music and the threat of driving in the rain sent most people home pretty early. It’s all going by so quickly!

Devi mingling brightly throughout the party even after her son Brian and his friend arrive, They kindly wait until things wind down and then take Parker for a sleepover.

When the clean up crew is eating pizza in the kitchen, a homeless woman walks in. I invite her to have some and she takes us up on the offer but only stays for a little while.

I cry only once. Poor Heron. She and Karima (just back the day before from Poland where she said goodbye to her beloved grandmother) are so gracious. But I just can’t hold back the sob when I think of Heron’s kindness to Dani.

Later, Dani would tell me that she broke down and cried once too.. Poor Heron.

As we stand on the stage, chanting Nam Myho Renge Kyo with so many people that we love, how I wish we had a picture of you all. We are the rich beauty of all colors, all ages, all sizes, all genders, all sexual orientations. And if it weren’t for the generous acts – both big and small – of so many of you in this crowded candlelit room (and so many who could not make it) we never would be together. Dani and I both know it. And as we stand here looking at the sea of love and smiles – we each want to stop and individually thank the people who have made our relationship possible. You know who you are.

If I missed a picture of you - or if you want to share the mental images that you saw - drop me a line.

Labels: lesbian wedding friends gratitude unitarian universalist valentines party reception

Sargamatha Shanti Quilt

Adrinka Batik Quilt

Labels: batik quilt art kids documrntary ghana adrinka africa

On February 24, my mother would have been 60. I just read two tributes to fallen friends by Candye Kane. One was for Heather and one was for a friend who reminded me somewhat of my own mother. Below was the comment I left for Candye:

Hello Candye - Heather spoke so fondly of you that I feel as if we are connected. I came on to read your tribute to Ms. Mac but didn't expect to get a double feature that would hit home so much for me. My condolences on the loss of two loves.

My mother endured a tortured childhood, in and out of foster homes and orphanages, abused along the way. She even burned one house to the ground, hoping to escape. Like the way that you believed that Dineen had it in her to pull herself up, I believed in my own mother. She was a butch before I ever knew the word. She was the very model of "scrappy." Her name was Jo (like in Little Women) but they called her Joey when she was a kid. Her familiarity to abuse led to an adulthood riddled with battering, drugs, alcohol and crime. With the exception of the few happy years she was with my father, she battled demons I will never know. Sadly, her young life was ended from a fall from a seventh floor window onto an asphalt parking lot during a fight with her lover/batterer who had been released from prison that day. The last image I have of my mother is her chalk line.

But it doesn't stop me from believing that we all have it in us. I know from my own life that it is possible to survive abuse. It is possible to walk away from drugs (clean almost 18 years.) It is possible to fight cancer (heartbreaking chemo, etc. for four years but it was sex that saved me.) We just have to believe or fake it until we either make it or are released.

Thank you for the beautiful testimonies to Heather and Dineen and for reminding me that not everyone makes it but that those of us who do have a responsibility to be grateful every day.

At the exact moments that Heather was beginning her final transformation in this body, I was walking our two dogs in the grassy foothills of Santa Cruz. The clouds were dark and it felt like it was going to rain at any moment. Just then, the wind kicked up and I heard a hawk scream. I looked into the sky to see one hawk meet another in the air where they drifted on the current. The clouds literally parted and the sun broke through for just a minute. I knew without reading when she was leaving.

Thank you all PDX LT (and especially the ones that I know personally) for doing this - all of this. Thank you for including us. Heather and I talked about how she was glad that I set an example (on the BB and LJ) for her on how to go through this process gracefully but publicly. I am incredibly and personally grateful that she ran with it. The way that she died, as with the way that she lived, sets a standard for us to hold as a beacon. May we all have a piece of that amazing grace.


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Glossary

BB - Michigan Womyn's Music Festival Bulletin Board
LJ - Live Journal
LT - Love Troopers (Heather's online community through yahoo groups)
PDX - Portland, Oregon
RIP - Rest in Peace
FSU - Fuck Shit Up



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Labels: activist, beautiful, big, burlesque, fat, heather, kina, macallister, williams

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Labels: love your body awareness fat acceptance big beautiful

My hero is leaving this earth but not without a message to us all....

(As dictated to Stacy from Heather)

Hello Lovetroopers,

Here I am, about to cross the border to "insert scary music here" -
The Other Side. (BOM-BOM-BOMMMMMM)

I've never been this certain of my own death before. Frankly, I feel
like shit. However, I have been this close to my own misery before
when I was this sick in the hospital last year. And it SUCKS!!

As of tomorrow, if all goes according to plan, I should have
the "aid in dying" drugs available to me and, through a relatively
uncomplicated process, be in a position to take my own life with
some level of dignity and ease.

Obviously, I wish I'd had a lot more time to visit with each and
every one of you, to tell you how much you meant to me over the
intervening months and years that we've known each other. However,
apparently it was not meant to be that way. Please know that each of
you has left a permanent mark on my heart and I feel humbled and
grateful to have had you in my life for even a brief and shining
moment.

If you should be so inclined as to have a memorial service in my
honor, please do not have a "celebration of life." Have a fucking
FUNERAL. The best way to honor my memory is to take care of your
physical and mental well-being, against any and all odds.

Neverending love, XL, yours -

Heather

P.S. from Heather, but not in her own words: We know how much all of
you will want to say your goodbyes to Heather individually. And as
much as she would love to be able to talk to each and every one of
you tonight, she's feeling tired and won't be able to field so many
calls. There's no perfect way to say goodbye, and she's been buoyed
so long by all of your love that she knows so well and so deeply how
much you all love her.

Please continue to share your stories and memories of Heather on the
Lovetroopers list throughout the night. We will be printing them and
reading them to her tomorrow morning so she can share in the love
you're sending her. The cards you sent with your Valentine's words
are up in her room right now.

P.S.S. - Heather's yelling from the other room that people should be
taking care of each other. In fact, if you have other Lovetroopers
in your area, please feel encouraged to gather together tonight to
care for one another and to send Heather peace and love through this
transition.

P.S.S.S. - We will send out an email tomorrow when the timing is
finalized so that everyone has a chance to sit with Heather quietly,
wherever you are, as she goes to sleep.

I am in shock.
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This is just one of those times in life when I am grateful for my ability to compartmentalize.

I will write what I am about to write and then try my best to put the thoughts away so that I can focus on what is most important right now...which is the wedding reception and celebrating love, health, friendship and family.

With few exceptions, the visual record of almost 20 years worth of my artwork has vanished into the ether.

**poof**

My portfolio - almost all digital - has been deleted by accident from the "safe" back-up hard drive and, to the best of my knowledge, is not retrievable. Because I work on commission, all of my work is out there in the world and I do not have access to it. And even if I do, it takes so much work to get it into a "portfolio" quality photograph.

I cannot even begin to recount how many hours of work went into the sizing and categorization and digital editing of those photographs. I cannot even begin to imagine what it will take for me to cobble what I have left to begin again.

I am staving off grief. I am holding back a tide of self incrimination (I should have had a second back-up ...I should have burned them onto CDs... I should have checked...I should have printed hard copies...I should have paid even more attention to my filing systems...)

The irony is that I realized that the folder named "Quilts and Portfolio" was completely empty when I went looking for photos of Valentines that I have made in the past. Well- maybe that isn't irony. What is it? Coincidence? A reminder of what is important?

I have much more to celebrate than I do to mourn. And yet it is - just for the moment when I let myself feel it - no consolation for the grief I have at the loss of my work. 17 years worth of work is gone and all I have left is a handful of photographs that I can re-scan, my You-Tube movies, a couple of good digital images and the thumbnail low resolution digital files that are on the website.
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I don't know what to say.
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Deep breaths. Compartmentalize. Journal. Move on. What else can I do?

This is Clay Chollar, the grafitti artist.

And here is part of a letter that I just wrote to my sister. I am feeding two birds with one hand (as I am so fond of saying) by copying it to you all -

The wedding is...in 3 days (but who is counting?) and we are expecting 170 people (I guess I am counting.) No one from our family can make it (note: my family is spread around the globe) but I'll be thinking of you all.