V's Version

Snapshots of my brain at this moment:
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.Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication is - as I have said - not easy. But I think that I am getting the hang of it.
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.Sometimes (like in this moment) I feel lethargic, sad, fragile, disheartened, distant and melancholy. I need acceptance, connection, support, integrity and self-expression. Would you be willing to just witness me (in this moment) without comment or judgement?
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Pk has gymnastics tomorrow. He loves it.
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Mr. Pause (the kitty to whom I have become very fond) went back home today. We were only cat sitting. He was very happy here - in the sun and with the birds and climbing trees. He purred all the time. He lost a lot of weight though and I am afraid for him. He was probably poisoned when his Mom unknowingly fed him food that was supposed to be good for him. The melamine-contaminated food is probably wreaking havoc on his organs. It is so so so sad.
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.Meanwhile, our two whippets love to run and I am getting into the routine of running the heck out of them daily - sometimes twice a day.
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I went hangliding. I ran off of Mt. Tam from an elevation of nearly 2000 feet. More on the experience later.
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Dani and I are the parents of a child entering puberty. I can hardly believe it.
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.The YRUU service went really well at church. It was about mental flexibility (a subject on which I have a lot to learn) and I must say that I think I learn as much from kids as they learn from me. Maybe more? Thank heavens we have the exchange. I am blessed.
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. I saw the show for the first time. I was happy to witness kids that I love doing what they love but I have to say the themes and stereotypes in the show disturbed me - even if they were poking fun of them - because of the way they are actually played out in the lives of both the cast and the audience. It was scary.
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.MRI is scheduled for next week.
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Sex is simple. Family life is fun. Intimacy is essential. Communication is learned. Love is layered.
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Labels: YRUU hangliding parenting communicating gymnastics lesbian family menopause melanine whippets teens puberty non violent unconditional love

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Oh -I so appreciate this despair poster! It really fits my sense of humor! Sometimes I just need a good laugh, ya know?

I am tired. I am agitated. I have regret and resentment AND gratitude for my moments of grace. At least there are moments of grace. The rest - well - I'm going to keep trying. It's not pitch dark yet.

People ask all the time how I have so much optimism under such trying circumstances. Humor - I tell them. Plus a healthy dose of sex, hope and coffee.
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Labels: despair grace lesbian family life humor paraneoplastic pemphigus PNP lymphoma hope grace

Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome - PCOS - Who knows about it first hand? I need details about early diagnosis experiences - What tests were helpful? What strategies for symptom relief worked for you? Where did you go for support? I realize that these are terribly personal questions but if you have this syndrome then you know all too well how little information there is in the public at large. I can (and did) google PCOS but I want first hand information - personal testimonies as part of the research that I am doing for someone I love. This is very, very important to me so feel free to forward this plea widely. My contact is v at alotoflife dot com. Thank you!
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Labels: poly cystic ovarian syndrome support PCOS women healthcare empowerment networking

The Bearded Lady: A Documentary Film and Visibility Project - (<-----click the link to check it out) Regardless of how one might react to the style and/or politics of Dandypants - this project is way over due.

I found myself recently in what escalated quickly from a conversation to a heated argument. I think it started with some positive statement about this film project. The person to whom I was speaking denied that women have beards. We went back and forth for a couple of minutes - each passionate because of our own experiences. I was perplexed at how so many women could be so invisible and how I was so NOT being able to apply my new found way of listening to this conversation. My reality was being questioned. I was offended. I couldn't quite let go in order to listen to their almost opposite experience for fear that mine might be negated.

I settled upon the less than graceful question- "Are you saying that you do not believe me when I say that I have seen - with my own eyes - many women with beards?"

Well - when it was put that way - what could they say? No - it wasn't that I was unbelievable - it was just that they themselves had never actually seen a woman with a beard. Well - when they put it that way - what could I say? OK - I can believe that they probably have never seen a woman with a beard *grown out*. Many women pluck, bleach, shave, hide with make-up. Women spend a lot of time and money and effort trying to hide their facial hair. That this person to whom I was speaking had never seen the facial hair is a triumph to their efforts, I guess.

The conversation makes clear two things- my listening skills really need more practice (insecurity is powerful stuff) and bearded women need more visibility. I am glad that this project is in the works and will continue to do whatever I can to help.

I will also continue to practice the baby steps of Non Violent Communication.
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Labels: women facial hair bearded lady documentary visibility non violent communication

It's a little crazy that I still have this headache. I've been avoiding the computer in general and doing all the right things. My doctor suggested an MRI a week ago and I am still waiting (trust me - I have called) for it to be scheduled.

The good news is that it is sometimes intermittent and that, although it's fairly constant, it's low grade.

I find it very hard to believe that it could be anything other than a tension headache but cannot understand where the tension is coming from? Except for the pain itself - I do not feel stress or pain. Well - except in my eyes but that's a normal kind of pain for me.

Very strange.

Labels: headache tension pain

Day 16 of the headache....

I am trying to move slowly, drink lots of water, eat well and stay calm. I am taking care of some paperwork that has piled up on my desk and am reading "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn with Dani.

The sense that I get is mostly positive. I feel like it is autumn in New England in my mind right now. School is about to start or has just started... the leaves are brilliant orange and red, the sky is a glorious contrasting blue, the air is crisp and moving. It is the feeling that I am starting something new. I am entering into PHASE 3 of my parenting.

The first phase was attachment parenting and I was totally confident that I was doing the right thing. I studied and used a combination of my intuition, research and my own values to formulate my parenting style. Many people questioned what I did and why I did it. "Why not just let the baby cry?" (My heart says not to, I thought, and looked for science to back me up.) "He will learn to soothe himself", they said. (He'll learn something alright. He'll learn that his needs do not matter and that communicating directly is pointless.) "Babies have a way of tugging on your heartstrings. He is just trying to manipulate you." (They do have a way of touching our hearts. And I am in it for as long as the connection lasts....my faith says that we are all born good and that babies do not know how to manipulate until we, the world, teach them how to manipulate.) "He'll have to learn to be independent at some point, you know. You are just sheltering him." (He will learn to be independent, but as he is ready to become so - it is a long process that starts with birth. It is my job to be the shelter he needs.) And "Why give him a choice between the red shirt and the blue? He is only two years old! Just give him a shirt and tell him to get dressed!" (I want a child, despite the difficulty it will be for me, who can question authority and make his own decisions. Today it's the red shirt or the blue shirt. Tomorrow it's soda or beer.) "Children should be seen and not heard." (no comment.)

Then came PHASE 2 - when I was sick and then the divorce and then the moving and then a new relationship. I was not confident. I was scared. I was surviving and holding it all together as best as I could. I did not have the energy to study parenting. I did not have the focus to learn how to transition from attachment parenting of a preschooler to unconditional parenting of a school age child. I had to give up home schooling because I was too sick too often. I let myself be influenced by the parents in my immediate surroundings - most of whom have mainstream values and would have asked most of the questions (in one way or another) posed in PHASE 1. I fell prey to the "Have you tried..." syndrome. I began the horrible slippery slope of rewards - even when it felt somehow wrong.

I forgot about how much I dislike what I have studied of BF Skinner's work and behaviorism. I forgot the anguish I witnessed with my own eyes in the kids at The Learning Center (a school where I worked) where rewards and consequences were the name of the game. I could feel something was wrong with all the stickers and the bribes - but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Don't all kids get allowances and have to do chores for it? Don't all kids eat dinner just to get the dessert? What about paying for grades? What about saying sorry just to say it? What about all the criticism? Appropriate / inappropriate, good / bad, right / wrong, my way or the highway. I could tell that I was not going down the path that felt true to my values any more. I could tell that I was being pulled by the mainstream.

PHASE 3 is now. I am bumbling through a thicket of information, learning a new way to communicate and trying to get back to the path I was on when I practiced attachment parenting. I know it is not the well-trodden road of popular advice columns. I know that it is more new - school than old - school. I realize that I will be making my job a lot harder. It will mean modeling respect rather than gaining it from fear. It will mean doing the right thing just because it is the right thing to do - not for approval. It means that I am making a commitment to communicate why I am feeling the way that I am, why I am doing what I do...there is no "because I said so."<----- very tempting. Utterly ineffective in the long run.

OK - I am off to get Pk at school (school is another idea whose time has past, in my opinion.) Then we are off to celebrate Earth Day by watching the work of naturalist photographers originally from the local University of California at Santa Cruz. We also planted dozens of sunflower seedlings. I love the smell of the earth.
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Labels: attachment parenting communicating children lesbian family non violent unconditional love reward

Compassionate Listening or Non-violent Communication.


My name is V Kingsley and I was asked to find Opening Words and to share a little bit about my experience with Non Violent Communication. The words I have chosen are by Prime Minister Nehru who was the first prime minister of the Republic of India, a leader in the political, educational and feminist arenas. He was also the father of Indira Gandhi. He said:

“Peace is not a relationship of nations.

It is a condition of mind brought about by a serenity of soul.

Peace is not merely the absence of war.

It is also a state of mind.

Lasting peace can come only to peaceful people.”

Prime Minister Nehru died the year before I was born but I did not fully understand his words until recently. I grew up with the notion of peace but not the language for it. There were a lot of mixed messages in my childhood. Maybe you got some of them too.

As an example - John Lennon’s musical plea “Give Peace a Chance” (which was an anthem for the anti-war movement ) was released when I was 4 years old. In the same year John Wayne won an Oscar for the movie “True Grit” (which was the epitome of America - a pure Western where a lawman tracks a criminal.)

Growing up, I was drawn to the warm fuzzy philosophy of John Lennon on a global level but I was saddled with the all or nothing language of John Wayne in my own home.

To me – communication is a life or death thing. It has meant survival. As some of you may know, my mother was killed a battered woman and I was determined not to go down. The message was that I had to be fierce. If someone is going to come out on top – well – it had better be me!

Armed with wit and intelligence, I set off to be the best person I could be. I supported all the anti-war causes. I went to the marches on Washington. No guns are allowed in my home. No violent movies or television. I worked with battered women and taught adults how to have fun without getting injured. I was all about non-violence. Unless you didn’t agree with me.

I first heard about Non Violent Communication through my father’s partner in Philadelphia two years ago. Then I heard rumblings of it here in Santa Cruz but wasn’t able or willing to come up with the money for the seminars. Frankly, I figured it was a fly-by-night fad bordering on a cult because of the way I saw people’s eyes light up when they talked about it with such energy and passion. I went to an introduction and was impressed by the simplicity. I thought I had found an easy formula to get people to see things my way.

If I could just communicate it the right way – I could really get somewhere! My marriage was going to get even stronger! I would finally be understood by my father! My parenting would be more effective!

My partner, Dani, and I were both pleasantly surprised to find the all-fellowship retreat last fall centered on NVC practices. As with so many things on my path, Unitarian Universalism and the people I find here help me to see my life more clearly and to live it with conviction.

I saw a powerful shift happen that day at the Land Of the Medicine Buddha. I saw old grievances fall away and I was humbled, realizing that there is no formula for peace in the world and peace in my home. There is only a whole new language to uncover -hidden in our own English language. I realized that NVC is simple but also one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do.

But do it I must. For “peace is not a relationship of nations, it is a condition of the mind.” And all of those bumper stickers saying “Peace Begins with Me” and ”Think Globally, Act Locally” finally mean something even more personal and even more profound because I do not have to wait for anyone else to do anything. All I have to do condition my mind and be aware of my own intentions. All I have to do is learn a new way of listening, a new way of speaking.

Although I find the NVC practice to be - for me – a spiritual journey, I am overjoyed that I do not have to walk it alone. Dani and I are both committed to the process of practicing and blessed to have others in our fellowship who are willing to guide us and practice with us! Together we are learning how to cultivate the “serenity of soul. “ of which Nehru spoke.

It is with profound personal responsibility for my own life and for our world that I share my story.

“Lasting peace can come only to peaceful people.”

I want to be one of those peaceful people.
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I have been trying to maintain sanity and serenity while experiencing an on-going two-week long headache. I am in physical pain and I feel a bit of fear because my need for health isn't fully being met. I also feel frustration because my need for competence isn't being met (the pain is preventing me from being able to do what I do as well as I usually do it.) I feel gratitude because my feeling of connection is being met with my family and my health care professionals (I love my family!!) I feel relief and joy because my need for personal growth is being met. I have actually learned to truly slow down when I am not feeling well. For those of you who know me well - you know what a big deal that is.

So - as you can see - a myriad of emotions stemming from just one stimulus - this intense headache.

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P and I were in the pulpit (in two different churches of course!) on the same day. I am happy about that. For him and for me. I have been really missing him - missing us. Now that the dust has settled and I am as secure as I can be with my health and my marriage and my environment, I have more room to grieve and to grow. I am giving myself permission to miss him and to think about what could have been so that I can learn from it and so that I can let go even more. There wasn't a lot of room to do that before - I didn't make a lot of room for it. I needed to protect him and to protect me and to protect Pk. Now I can just be sad that I didn't know then what I do now. I can just be sad that it didn't work out. There were a lot of needs that were not met - both his and mine - and we didn't know how to identify them or to meet them. And that's sad. There were a lot of needs that were met - both his and mine - and I miss those connections. So that's where I am at.

The silver lining, as I see it, is that we are both growing and moving on with our lives. As for my life, I am unbelievably grateful to have a second chance at being part of a family and a home. It is a lot of work and it is work that I welcome. I can almost feel my cells stretching as I learn more and more about new ways of listening and new ways of communicating. Above is the piece that I wrote for the Sunday service at church last week.
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Labels: non violent communication compassionate listening grief growth NVC Unitarian Universalist lesbian family Nehru peace

I really don't think I feel better than when I can help a person or bring happiness to someone. I love being happy myself, of course, but by affecting change or spreading love, I am just connected to something so much larger than myself. And I LOVE that feeling of being a tiny small grain in a vast endless strand of beach. I am part of something beautiful and that, in and of itself, makes me happy!

Dani and I planned a very labor intensive and fun fun fun 80th birthday party for her mother, April. April is amazing. Not that she would ever tell you (she is quite humble) but she has so much of my respect. Just the fact that she used to go to ten cent movies blows me away (and thinking of how much technology has changed and there she is - keeping up with all of it - sending out emails with the best of them!) But there is so much more. She grew up in a tough time - during the Depression and WW II - in a tough family situation. She graduated from UC Berkeley in the 50s and managed to raise three children (not without heartache) as a single mother.

Throughout her entire life, she has had a sense of fashion and has watched the movie stars. Her daughter even works in Hollywood. And for her 80th birthday, we just knew that we had to honor her life and her passion. She so deserves the recognition! She has improvised and kept a budget without sacrificing style and taste - ever. She is lively and animated and beautiful and both Dani and I agree that if we are as active as April is at 80, it will be a miracle!! (She takes a painting class, still walks to the store, goes on travel adventures, visits her 105 year old neighbor often, hikes in the woods and may even take swimming lessons in the new Senior Center pool!)

This weekend we gave her a Hollywood-themed costume party. Parker dressed as James Bond and April was Bette Davis from "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?" Dani was the PERFECT Charlie Chaplin and April's friend Ron was John Wayne. I was, of course, Cher.

We literally painted the front porch to make a red carpet for her to walk up and waiting for her was a giant Academy Award Oscar and a gold star with her name on it! There were gold stars EVERYwhere, in fact - on the walls and hanging from the ceiling. We made a soundtrack of songs from the Golden Age of Movies for the iTunes. It was very festive.

The meal was delicious (Dani is an amazing cook and everybody brought something to the table in potluck style) and afterwards, we played a Hollywood trivia game (that took many hours to make up - thank heavens for Wikipedia!) including April and her life! While eating cake, we gave her gifts. Parker made her a handmade decoupage trunk to store her pictures (she is an avid genealogy buff with a book of family history in the works) and her friend Eve gave her a cabbage stuffed with money! That was hilarious! Our big gift is taking a road trip to Hollywood but just to go that extra mile, we did something really special.

We made a mock Hollywood STAR magazine - with pictures of all the movie stars and famous people who were born in 1927 (there are a LOT!) I took actual photographs of April and superimposed them into the glamour paparazzi shots so it looks like April is right there with the legends on the red carpet - at the Academy Awards, on the covers of magazines from the 40s and 50s - ooooooo - it took SO MANY hours to make. We stayed up late into the night many nights over to get it done. And we are thrilled.

To see Aprils face as she looked at an image of herself in the arms of Gary Cooper was PRICELESS. It rocked my world and made me grateful to be alive. We are so lucky to have her in our lives. I don't take it for granted for one minute.