Fat Girl Thoughts

Spoken Word Poetry by V Kingsley

Psssst. Hey! Come in to the bathroom stall.

Come on in and we can purge it all!

No way, I said, I hate to throw up.

Hate to throw up? Grow up! It’s the only way -

the only way

that you can stay

the way they say

you’re supposed to look.

Yeah -well I managed to escape the stall

but being a teenaged girl and all

is not exactly what I would call

easy.

Heifer was my nickname

and that was back when I was relatively thin.

60 pounds later was when the real fun would begin.

And 60 pounds after that,

Well, I guess I was truly fat.

So---I decided to go with it

and bought elastic waists to fit.

I found that that the pounds felt good on me,

that I was a diet free,

redefining beauty

in a way that challenged our super model society.

I laughed when they put a hand to my belly and asked when I was due.

I could have said fuck you!

But I smiled instead and shook my head -

No baby I said.

I’m just fat.

I’m a woman of size,

A big boned gal with serious thighs.

I read fat chick zines and no lose lists.

I take up space and shake my fists.

Heather MacAllister rocked my world

When she honored me and all the rest of the fat girls.

-----

But that was before and now everything has changed -

cancer has meant that nothing will ever be the same.

I couldn’t eat for almost two years -

I suffered, I fought, I hid my fears.

For months on end i threw up every day -

No matter what went in, nothing would stay.

I was sick, so sick I didn’t really care.

I had no fingernails, I had no hair.

I didn’t notice the sagging of my dress.

I didn’t notice the hollow of my chest.

I lost almost everything except my life -

My job, my body, my home, my wife.

130 pounds was gone by then.

I went from a size 28 down to a ten.

I looked in the mirror one day.

Who the hell was I? Shock and dismay.

My identity was gone, I didn’t recognize the woman I could see.

What happened to me?

I’m still a fat girl I used to be but now no one can see!

Oh! You look great they say -

I hear it every day.

But what they don’t get is that I didn’t choose this way.

So now I don’t know my fate

But I do know that I miss my weight.

It’s interesting to have new clothes, the attention, some hair.

I’m a kick ass survivor still fighting with flair.

So when I was asked to share tonight,

I wrote a little poem about the fight:

Hi My name is V

But you’re only seeing half of me.

Cancer took the other half away

And I have no idea what size my body will stay.

Yeah - it’s true - I miss being fat

The trick is to love myself where I’m at.

10/18/04

V Kingsley

www.alotoflife.com

Originally written for Love Your Body Day.

Please feel free to re-post with credit to authorship.