V's Version

My 43rd Birthday

It was, as many of you know, my birthday today. I would have to check my diaries to be sure - but I think it was the saddest birthday I have ever had. Not for lack of love or attention or well-wishes though. People - and my family especially - are incredibly generous and kind. But toxic sadness doesn't always make sense and is just too much to crawl from under even if it is my birthday. I ran on adreniline and pain meds and distraction and giving after the surgery and I just hit a wall today. I am in wicked pain. I cannot smell or taste. I guess it is to be expected but added to the blindness factor -it's a little much to take and makes me cry without warning yet I cannot make tears no matter how hard I cry. Incredibly frustrating. I had a personal disappointment that took me by surprise today and I am deeply troubled by the passing of Proposition 8 and how the fall-out is playing people against each other.

I also had a technical set-back on my new web site this morning. That was just frustrating and disappointing after all the hours of work I have put into the project. The combination of all those things was too much to overcome. It's not really a big deal in the big picture. I know that.

In the big picture - my world is easy. I am lucky. I have a family who loves me and friends who are a splendid reflection of my best self. Many friends and family wrote or called or sent a card. Dani spoiled me in little ways today, Pk made me a cake, I was able to speak with both my sisters and my father (who is on a US Merchant ship that was one of several ships involved with Somali pirates in the last two days! The Filipino hostages - thankfully - were freed today.)

It's not like I am blind all the time and if I want tears, I can just pour them in from a bottle. The pain will eventually go away and I might get back my sense of taste and smell. Things could be a LOT worse! My life is easy and safe and my problems are the problems anyone might want to have. Even though I know this with all my heart, I spent the better part of the day talking like Eyore and crying pitifully and uncontrollably. Gratitude is a very good antidote for depression but I guess it doesn't always clear it up on contact.

Here is my Dad's ship. He is in a rough part of the world and I worry for him - even if he is on one of the safest vessels. It's a crazy world.