V's Version

(thanks altered states for the image.)

Because my friend's online diary states that my friend is "the sole owner of anything written here and nothing in this diary shall be reproduced or copied in any way", I cannot (in good faith) copy what is written there. But I can write about the diary and my friend (whom I shall call MF) and what is going on because it is my experience too. And I think that if depression stays in the dark - unspoken and unseen - it is more likely to silently kill more of us.

MF is young and beautiful and more clever than most but cannot see it. MF suffers (in every sense of that verb) from depression and is overwhelmed and consumed by sadness. MF is holding on by the most threadbare strands of life.

I have read the most heart wrenching descriptions of pain and darkness (over a period of years) and the truth of it inspires me. I am inspired by the words - by the honesty - by the genuine honor of being allowed to witness someone so real in a world that is full of illusion. Depression itself is both real and an illusion at the same time. It is a terrible disease and if you have not experienced it yourself - you know someone who has. It can be mild or - as in this case - it can be chronic and severe - lasting years and years. It changes lives and it takes lives.

Many of us know someone who has chosen death through suicide because of depression. Many of us do not know what to say and what to do when faced with this. Many of us never get a chance to do or say anything because depression is so insidious and hidden. but MF has the courage and tenacity to write about the horrible experience. The very least I can do is repay the honor by witnessing and respecting this journey.

MF is on the verge of leaving and I was at a loss as to what to say. This is what I wrote today:

Oh MF, MF, MF - there is nothing I can say to magically change things or I would say it. There is nothing I can do or I would do it. People have suggested that I move to your neighborhood so that I can be a closer friend. At the risk or remaining a long-distance friend - I cannot picture it. Not because of you - or because of friendship - or because I don't care. But there is an entire life down here (with a child and home schooling and a partner and pets of my own to care for.) Sadly, I just can't see me moving to (your) area.

If I knew how to help - believe me - I would do it. All I know to do is witness you on a thread - a tiny thread - and hold out the hope that you find peace.

I believe (only through my own experience) that there is peace to be found in this world. But I cannot find it for you and if you cannot find it for yourself - ? It is so so so sad. I am so sorry that you are not able to see the beauty - feel the joy - connect with the divine and find a place among the living that feels like home. I am so so sorry, MF.

I COMPLETELY believe you. I can not even begin to imagine your pain. The depression itself - your loss with your relationship with your therapist - your utter frustration with work.

Because I take you seriously and you are saying that you are on the edge of something - I have favors to ask and things to say.

I want you to stay in this life. You are my hero (for reasons I have already mentioned to you - mostly because of your honesty). You are a Truth Teller even when so many in this world would like to hear pretty lies.

If you should decide that the animals are on their own and you just want to kiss off - I would be more than sad. I would be devastated.

You told your therapist that you would tell (them) before you choose death over life. If your relationship with your therapist is broken irreparably - would you be willing to make that same promise to me? Or to someone that you trust more than me?

And - as morbid and crazy as this may sound - I am begging you to make your writing accessible somehow - to me or to someone. The raw and honest written account of your journey is central to me.

To have nothing left of your words - I am being VERY selfish but I have to tell you that if you choose death - I want your words. You don't owe me anything but I am just asking to please please not take them with you.

I want you to choose life. I am rooting for you to be on the edge of life. But I remember my battle cry of "remission or release!" I know what it feels like to be alone in the darkness begging for Mercy. I understand the allure of death and release from pain.

And yet neither you nor I ever were truly alone and Mercy comes in many forms. Pain (sometimes) can change.

I hope for you that it does and that you can find peace. I love you.

A National Public Radio piece on dealing with Depression without medications.

The book "Unstuck" from the above story.

Some seemingly simple ideas that I have found to work sometimes - like the times when I choose to implement the ideas.

Some alternative thoughts that others have about dealing with depression without meds.