Thursday, October 02, 2008

 

My head is full. Very, very full.
Political ideas and financial terminology and major infections
are all swimming together in one murky mess.
It's a little overwhelming.

I'm catching up on SNL skits (Tina Fey - gotta love her) and on conservative Kathleen Parker's call for Mrs. Palin to step down from the Republican ticket while I anxiously await the VP "debate" tonight. I've also learned about today's new specs on the Senate version of the "bailout" bill (that includes tax exemptions for manufacturers of wooden arrows used by children among other such NONSENSE). But that is all political. The politicians and policies will (eventually) touch me down here on Pain Street but, for now, I can put them aside for more pressing personal issues. Like health and personal finance.

I am especially inspired by the PF blog Savings Not Shoes. I've spent the last year learning about personal finance and the last day reading and compiling everything I learned about personal finances and how it relates to us specifically. (The Motley Fools were my favorite big name site.) Value funds, index funds, Small, Medium and Large Caps, asset allocation, mutual funds and and money markets - I understand them all now. You see, Dani and I had a blow out exchange last week that left us each shaking in our respective corners. It began with a casual statement stemming from my fear of the volatile stock market and ended with me in a puddle of drool and mucus, clinging to the back of the kitchen chair and wondering if NVC was ever going to kick in automatically when the stakes are high.

It was not pretty. Not pretty at all. If you read here regularly, you know how much love we have in our family so fear not - it's all still there. We are made stronger with the challenges. If there is anything that motivates me - it's learning. I am learning how to keep harmony in our house AND how to face financial concepts that used to baffle me.

And speaking of baffling - my health continues the twists and turns of the craziest roller coaster. How I remain as pleasant as I am as often as I do is a COMPLETE mystery. The pain - well - you've heard it all. It sucks. My head is completely FULL of infection. Every cavity is filled. I just scheduled the surgery - with the complicated pre- and post-op appointments and testing and Image guided CT scans. I am going to be spending a LOT of time in Oakland. sigh. More will be revealed.

Thanks for all the good thoughts out there. I need it. But probably my family does too as they are the ones who have to deal with me and help me through it all. I feel like sleeping all the time and just hiding from everything.




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# posted by V Kingsley @ 12:26 PM 0 Comments

Saturday, September 27, 2008

 
R.Redford and P.Newman in "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid"


Paul Newman - Rest in Peace

In a strange twist of fate, our son, Pk, was watching "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" and eating popcorn (which is often Newman's Own) at the exact time that Paul Newman was dying last night. Newman was one of my philanthropic heroes and I have nothing but respect for all the good he did in this world. I have, since he was in utero, sung a lullabye to Pk. In the lyrics of folk singer, Fred Small, is the message by which I try to live my life. I believe Paul Newman must have believed the same thing:

"...The only measure of your words and your deeds
will be the love you leave behind when you're done."


His daughter said in a statement today: "Our father was a rare symbol of selfless humility, the last to acknowledge what he was doing was special. Intensely private, he quietly succeeded beyond measure in impacting the lives of so many with his generosity."


Thanks, Mr. Newman

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# posted by V Kingsley @ 8:43 PM 0 Comments

Thursday, September 25, 2008

 


Big questions - No answers.

Reproduction Rights aren't the only place where the menfolk are making decisions that affect me. There are so many places to pay attention to in politics and the economy that it's enough to make one's head spin. Or - to just bury one's head altogether.

But bury we must not, my friends! (lest we bury the last of our freedoms as well.)

For a prime example of a "we don't need big government" (but government will choose for you when it comes to reproduction) moment, please take a couple minutes to read up on Republican VP Nominee Sarah Palin's stance on reproductive rights and while you are there - check in with running mate McCain. After careful study, I have to admit that Obama's thoughts are apparently similar to mine: pro-choice, anti-abortion, pro-education, pro-health, pro-woman. McCain/Palin have transparently made it part of their plan to repeal Roe v. Wade while Obama/Biden have vowed to uphold the Constitutional Amendment, persevering (if not funding) the right of a woman to make a choice.

Not that I am a single issue voter by any means. I care about foreign policy, marriage equality, the environment, gun control, alternative energy, physician assisted suicide, teen rights and economic and social justice. The above links - should you have a day to study - have all the candidate's views and votes on these issues as well. Or - you could always watch the debates (if they happen.)

Like me?
Don't have a television?

There is always My Debates (aka Myspace Debate Channel)
with interactive features - weeee!


And don't forget!

Voters have until Tuesday, Oct. 14 to register to vote

in the November presidential general election.

Advertisement
Any U. S. citizen who is 18 years of age on or before Nov. 4, the date of the presidential general election, may register to vote as long as he or she is not incarcerated, on parole or on probation because of a conviction for an indictable offense.

Please please vote and ask your friends to vote. Even if you believe the whole thing is rigged - it's not like it could HURT you to vote!






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Monday, September 22, 2008

 
American Prayer


Please take a moment when you are finished reading my blog to hear this - my - American Prayer.
It does not sum up my thoughts but it shows a few factors in the equation.

I would like to have seen a $700 Billion bail-out of the mortgage crisis on behalf of low to moderate income home buyers. I would like to have seen a $700 Billion bail-out of health care industry on behalf of the un and under-insured.

With a $10.6 (now $11.3) Trillion national debt with neither corporations nor our government accountable financially, it is we - you and me - who will pay for this bail-out and I, for one, would liked to have had a say in it.



These are scary times and we must not be complacent.

And speaking of non-complacency: How about the fine folks of Alaska showing up for what some have touted the largest protest rally in the state's history? I posted my favorites in the blog below.

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# posted by V Kingsley @ 8:13 PM 0 Comments
 
The Alaska Disasta'

Scary times indeed.

Vote. Get your friends to vote.










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# posted by V Kingsley @ 7:32 PM 0 Comments

Saturday, September 20, 2008

 

Hidden Disability and "Crazy, Sexy Cancer":

Dani suggested and then bought me some live pro biotic cultures to help get rid of the thrush in my mouth (a yeast infection due to long-term antibiotics). I had been eating yogurt but it wasn't enough. I was cool with trying to get rid of the thrush because it's a drag. My first reaction to seeing the pro biotic cultures was that if I can repeatedly down 3 bottles of the most disgusting and horrid CT scan contrast - I can swallow a half of a little bottle of what looks like curdled milk and yogurt. But it still looked nasty and I said as much as I reached for a cup. Dani said, "Of course it does."

Her words would indicate that she agreed with me but there was something in her tone of voice that seemed to me like she was mocking me - sarcastically indicating that she wasn't surprised that I complained about it.

Dani knows more than anyone how much I do NOT complain so my reaction to her tone of voice was immediate and strong: "Oh - yeah - well I would like to see YOU try to deal with being sick and in pain for this long. You. would. never. MAKE. it!"

It was then that I realized that I am holding some resentment. Not much - but some. I think it is very hard for the able bodied to understand the disabled (or differently abled), especially when the disability is hidden. To the outside world - I might seem fine. They might hear me once or twice with a wet rattling deep cough in our shared time and dismiss it with "Hmm. Bummer." They would have no idea how many times a day I do that or what it is like to have a dizzyingly low blood pressure of 90 over 50. They would have no idea what it's like to be constantly wanting more air than I can get. They cannot taste the bitterness that taints every taste or see the sores (and now the thrush) in my mouth unless I show it (ewww - don't bother.) And there is no way - even if I describe my eyes as having sand scraping under my eyelids - that a person would GET that (unless they really had had sand scraping across their lids... for years.)



I bear it. I have to because what the heck is the alternative? I have NO desire to be a whining immobilized person who lets the pain take away what is best in me. I keep going. I home school (see below) and I try my hand at art and I am a Unitarian Universalist youth group leader and I try to look sexy on dates. I transcend the hidden disability. Damn it. That's my job.

If I answer honestly when someone says, "Hey! How are ya?!" - ulg. It is too ? sad. Too down. So I rather focus on the positive - sometimes mixed with honesty. But all that focusing on the positive doesn't give me much outlet to say that my health really sucks and sometimes I am sick of it - OVER it completely. I wrote about it a bit last week but even then - I put a positive spin on it. I am beginning to see that all this cheeriness (while real) does not give space for the darker side. To deny that darker side is to disconnect with myself and when I do that - I end up with resentment.



Seeing the documentary movie "Crazy Sexy Cancer" last week sent me into a tail spin. There was one lone dissenting negative review for her (follow up) book, so I wrote this review today. It felt good to write it.

Seeing this movie sent me into a tail spin. Maybe it's because the movie was so highly recommended to me. I have been battling cancer since 2002 (with 5 years of chemo and more alternative-medicine treatments than I could possibly list here.) Because I have (an incurable) cancer and a crazy (unsexy) skin blistering disease that not many have survived, I have some street cred. Because I have had just an amazingly positive kick-ass attitude throughout, because documentaries are my favorite genre, because I am young and full of life, people figured I would love this movie.

Well, they were wrong.

It's not personal. Kris Carr was very clever to document her journey. I am happy for her as a person. The title is engaging and the follow-up book(s) and blog and product placement and advertising are marketing genius. Kudos for Kris and her beautiful friends.

What I want people to know is that there is a negative review out here for "Crazy, Sexy Cancer". WARNING: not all your friends with cancer are going to like this movie.

Some (like me) might jealously wonder what it is like to have a mother who can drop everything and set up headquarters in the dining room - a father to drive them to Dana Farber in Boston. Some might wonder how it was that an unemployed actress could afford expensive alternative treatments, yoga classes and an in-home macrobiotic chef. Some might wonder where the money came from for a film crew to document the whole glittering journey that launched a woman with cancer (who never had to face radiation, chemo, stem cell transplants or blood transfusions) to fame. Some might wonder, because they have not yet tried an anal dose of wheat grass juice, if they are somehow to blame for their condition because they have not, obviously, done everything to cure themselves.

I'm just saying that not everyone is going to like this movie. They might. It is, after all, entertaining and her journey is as real as anyone's. But they might not. Maybe you could preface your recommendation with, "Not everybody liked it..."


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Friday, September 19, 2008

 

Weekly Log Aug 25-Sept 19, 2008

Week 1

We started the new school year with my plan to get all academic work (except reading) finished before the end of the public school day so that Pk can play with his friends in the neighborhood. I also implemented a bedtime and a wake time due to Dani’s work schedule and sleeping needs (and the small size of our house.) This has not been particularly popular and I appreciate Pk’s cooperation with the new schedule and the increase in academic work.

Pk worked on spelling sheets – (looking up words in a dictionary and identifying the parts of speech) as well as reviewed commonly misspelled homonyms. In math, he reviewed placement holders and decimals, square numbers, multiplication tables, estimation and learned how to read and use a scale ruler in the creation of an architectural blueprint based on his drawing of the “Perfect Room”. He saw a documentary about Philippe Petit, a French aerialist (“Man on Wire”). He was accepted to and began training for the Santa Cruz Sports Central gymnastics team (a much bigger commitment than recreational gymnastics) and, as always, was physically active every day (especially with skateboards, parkour and scootering). In science, he completed a BBC Curriculum about the food chain and habitat of animals, insects and trees. He read “Frindle by Andrew Clements and then moved on to
"Jack Black and the Ship of Thieves" and then to a graphic novel of the Simpsons. Pk learned the 5 Ws of reporting and read several books on Viking History as part of our study of ancient cultures.

Last, but not least, Pk learned about CA Family Court and the rules of a formal courtroom when he was legally adopted by Dani on August 29th.

Week 2

Pk identified the main ideas in a story, learned abbreviations and practiced spelling by using word search puzzles. He identified and used in a sentence: subject, predicate and object (nominative and adjective), Pk can identify (in a multiple choice game) literary terms such as poetry, limerick, comedy, tragedy, narrator, foreshadowing, symbolism, plot, theme, point of view, haiku, lyric, ballad and oral tradition. He also learned the first two of 29 major spelling rules and finished reading both “The Lampkins” by Eve Bunting and a non-fiction book about gymnastics.

He continued his architecture project but much more prefers to create small and a large scale graffiti drawings using color, line, perspective, positive and negative space. He keeps several sketch books and uses sharpie markers mostly. In addition, he began training on the software program Photoshop. In Viking history, Pk studied daily life, culture dress with the help of books, interactive computer games and theoretical discussion. He also learned about and wrote in the written language of runes.

He honed his daily life skills by looking up and figuring out the Santa Cruz Metro bus schedules to Ben Lomond skate park. He highly values his social and physical activity – swimming, flipping, practicing dance moves and chillin’ with the girls. For the first time, Pk introduced me (without prompting) to a few of his friends. In science, he spent a long and active day at the Exploratorium in San Francisco where he witnessed several optical illusions, used centrifugal force to create designs with sand and discovered the relationship between movement and pattern. He also learned how flavors are distilled by using fruits, ginger and vanilla.


We had a conversation about "being a good loser." Pk’s attitude is "never lose." My suggestion was to acknowledge the disappointment and realize how much one values competency in order to move forward, (Non Violent Communication skills)




Week 3

Pk worked on spelling rules numbers three and four. He also wrote the rules out with paper and pencil. He loves puns and read (but discarded) works by Roald Dahl. He began “The Boy who Escaped from Alcatraz Island” by Eve Bunting.

He worked again on the subject and predicate of a sentence and how to modify using adverbs and adjectives that use the 5 senses. Pk completed an assignment on the incorrect use of double negatives

He continued to study Viking life and seems to enjoy the stories in the subject of history. In math, he struggled through
Tang grams. In general, he is resisting math in all forms and seems hopeless about understanding it. I suspect that until he masters the concepts of multiplication and division and has memorized the multiplication tables, we will be unable to move forward. In science, he continued to learn about the science of soda, how carbon dioxide is made by water, acid and bicarbonate of soda to make bubbles in water. . He discovered (but was not too interested in) the Farmer’s almanac and astrology.

Pk went to the first Capture the Flag of the season. In addition to working out 7 (+) hours in the gym, he also uses the trampolines at his friends’ houses. He set up obstacle courses in our house and another outside to push his ability to jump at higher heights and longer distances. He jumps from our garden wall into rolls, 360 spins, back and front flips and other tricks that scare the heck out of me – even with a landing pad.

He continues to enjoy graffiti art using color, line and shape. This was also the beginning of Junior Youth Group at the UU Church in San Jose. Much to his delight, he was “kidnapped” by many of the Senior Youth Group to socialize after church. They are a very active and engaging group of youth.



Week 4

With the beginning of Block I classes, we had much less time for academics at home. We did focus on the multiplication tables quite a bit. I made custom-tailored mazes and pattern finders for him to use. At Pk’s request, I began giving graded tests in spelling and history. He worked on spellings rules 5, 6 and 7.

Pk attended his “Writing with Jenny” class where he was thrilled to not have to do much writing at all. He began the beloved Many Rivers Collective and, in a fiasco of timing, jostled both the Family Tea and Tom’s math class (scheduled at the same time.) He continues to work out and prepare for competition with the gymnastics team. He also continues to push himself by doing flips off the wall with his friends.

Pkcontinues to love to sketch and doodle and practice graffiti style art in his sketch books and had a blast picking out art supplies at Palace Arts. This week he mastered and has been practicing a rhythm that combines chest thumps, snapping and clapping to create a specific beat. Also new this week was the beginning of a back-and-forth journal in the style of the “Freedom Writers” documentary that we saw last year. In the journal we will write to each other but will not discuss what is written so that the written communication can be unique.

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Sunday, September 14, 2008

 
Depression

(thanks altered states for the image.)

Because my friend's online diary states that my friend is "the sole owner of anything written here and nothing in this diary shall be reproduced or copied in any way", I cannot (in good faith) copy what is written there. But I can write about the diary and my friend (whom I shall call MF) and what is going on because it is my experience too. And I think that if depression stays in the dark - unspoken and unseen - it is more likely to silently kill more of us.

MF is young and beautiful and more clever than most but cannot see it. MF suffers (in every sense of that verb) from depression and is overwhelmed and consumed by sadness. MF is holding on by the most threadbare strands of life.

I have read the most heart wrenching descriptions of pain and darkness (over a period of years) and the truth of it inspires me. I am inspired by the words - by the honesty - by the genuine honor of being allowed to witness someone so real in a world that is full of illusion. Depression itself is both real and an illusion at the same time. It is a terrible disease and if you have not experienced it yourself - you know someone who has. It can be mild or - as in this case - it can be chronic and severe - lasting years and years. It changes lives and it takes lives.

Many of us know someone who has chosen death through suicide because of depression. Many of us do not know what to say and what to do when faced with this. Many of us never get a chance to do or say anything because depression is so insidious and hidden. but MF has the courage and tenacity to write about the horrible experience. The very least I can do is repay the honor by witnessing and respecting this journey.

MF is on the verge of leaving and I was at a loss as to what to say. This is what I wrote today:

Oh MF, MF, MF - there is nothing I can say to magically change things or I would say it. There is nothing I can do or I would do it. People have suggested that I move to your neighborhood so that I can be a closer friend. At the risk or remaining a long-distance friend - I cannot picture it. Not because of you - or because of friendship - or because I don't care. But there is an entire life down here (with a child and home schooling and a partner and pets of my own to care for.) Sadly, I just can't see me moving to (your) area.

If I knew how to help - believe me - I would do it. All I know to do is witness you on a thread - a tiny thread - and hold out the hope that you find peace.

I believe (only through my own experience) that there is peace to be found in this world. But I cannot find it for you and if you cannot find it for yourself - ? It is so so so sad. I am so sorry that you are not able to see the beauty - feel the joy - connect with the divine and find a place among the living that feels like home. I am so so sorry, MF.

I COMPLETELY believe you. I can not even begin to imagine your pain. The depression itself - your loss with your relationship with your therapist - your utter frustration with work.

Because I take you seriously and you are saying that you are on the edge of something - I have favors to ask and things to say.

I want you to stay in this life. You are my hero (for reasons I have already mentioned to you - mostly because of your honesty). You are a Truth Teller even when so many in this world would like to hear pretty lies.

If you should decide that the animals are on their own and you just want to kiss off - I would be more than sad. I would be devastated.

You told your therapist that you would tell (them) before you choose death over life. If your relationship with your therapist is broken irreparably - would you be willing to make that same promise to me? Or to someone that you trust more than me?

And - as morbid and crazy as this may sound - I am begging you to make your writing accessible somehow - to me or to someone. The raw and honest written account of your journey is central to me.

To have nothing left of your words - I am being VERY selfish but I have to tell you that if you choose death - I want your words. You don't owe me anything but I am just asking to please please not take them with you.

I want you to choose life. I am rooting for you to be on the edge of life. But I remember my battle cry of "remission or release!" I know what it feels like to be alone in the darkness begging for Mercy. I understand the allure of death and release from pain.

And yet neither you nor I ever were truly alone and Mercy comes in many forms. Pain (sometimes) can change.

I hope for you that it does and that you can find peace. I love you.

Sidebar Internet Resource Notes

A National Public Radio piece on dealing with Depression without medications.

The book "Unstuck" from the above story.

Some seemingly simple ideas that I have found to work sometimes - like the times when I choose to implement the ideas.

Some alternative thoughts that others have about dealing with depression without meds.


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# posted by V Kingsley @ 7:18 PM 1 Comments

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

 
Sarah Palin (R, Alaska)

OK - Maybe I don't have all the tools I need to battle depression (see post below). I just listened to Sarah Palin's deeply disturbing speech at the Republican National Convention. A television image was unnecessary. I could envision the attractive hockey mom (aka pitbull with lipstick) and her picture perfect and well-mannered kids all lined up in a row. Only imagining the children's thoughts, I wonder what conversations happen behind closed doors.

There are many things to be concerned about Ms. Palin- including creationist Christianity in government, oil drilling, guns, alcohol culture but (most important to me) there is the gaping divide between my own deeply held "family values" and hers. My values are attachment parenting, extended nursing on demand, family bed and child-centered weaning. I advocate home schooling whenever possible - with curiosity and a free and open search for truth and meaning using both experience and a variety of scientific, academic, political and spiritual teachings as our sources of knowledge.


These family values just would NOT pair up a nursing-age infant (especially a child with special needs) and a national political campaign. The comparison of Sarah Palin to an "average working mom" is insane!! Average women do not repeatedly crisscross the country with their infant children on air pressured airplanes or leave them behind for long periods of time. They just don't and I don't care if a Republican says, "How DARE they..." because I DO dare to say that I am a feminist that believes that when a woman chooses to bring a child into the world, she has the responsibility to bond with and feed that child. There are many working mothers who, by choice or by necessity, go to work when their children are infants - but they do not, in general, subject their children to a rigorous campaign trail schedule. What kind of family value is that?

I am ALL for strong women (even when they don't agree with me)
but I am made LIVID by hypocrisy. Just livid.




And I really can't wrap my head around the "Feminists for Life" thing. Palin is a member of this "non-partisan" organization. I am a life-long feminist (no surprise there) but what you may not know is that I am also "for life" - meaning that I am firmly and spiritually opposed to abortion. I have come to believe that abortion is (for me) murder. But it's the "Feminists For Life" tag line that makes me want to screeeeeeam: "Refuse to Choose," they say. For the record: I am anti abortion but I am equally and firmly pro choice.

If Sarah Palin is OK telling people to refuse to choose,
we should all be mighty disturbed.

Yes - Palin herself gave birth 8 months after she "eloped" to her teen sweetheart. Yes, Palin's 17 year old daughter is 5 months pregnant and "plans to get married soon." Yes - my mother was pregnant and quickly married at 17 as a senior in high school. And I am sure that the vast majority of teen mothers do what they think is best but is that what we hold up as a "beautiful example"? What about giving teens the RESPECT they deserve by giving them a balanced education??? What about supporting teenagers to make difficult decisions?

Below are Sarah Palin's hand written budget cuts for a program that houses pregnant teens and here is a blog link to that story including the outrageous hypocrisy of promoting abstinence and then, in the same breath, basically saying that unwed and un-prepared teen parenthood with no access to family planning is just "a normal american family" with "values people can relate to". Eeeeeeek.



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# posted by V Kingsley @ 8:49 PM 0 Comments
 
Public Life, Loneliness and Making the World a Better Place

I've been thinking. Here I am - amateur blogger / community activist / fund raiser for those in need. It seems like a pretty public life. It IS a pretty public life. And it's not like I am secretive about my health issues. People like you have followed the saga for years. But when I am (as I was this morning) coughing and choking and gasping for breath alone in the bathroom, it doesn't feel very public. Thank heavens because - really - who wants to hear those sounds emanating from deep in the lungs? Not pretty. People want to hear that I am better. I am in remission. It's all good now, right?


But the truth is that pain is lonely.

I have every reason to be - and almost always am - gloriously happy. I live a charmed life full of beautiful reflections and deep connections. I have a family that I adore and a gorgeous home worth coming home to and a lush garden made from plant clippings and roadside seed pods. I get to home school and eat local produce. I fully realize the tiny minority of people who can say that. I do not forget it for one moment. But I have been thinking.



Maybe my health keeps me in the real world. I live in such daily constant pain (eyes, mouth, lungs...) that I have to be really HERE. I can't float away in my happiness. I am constantly reminded of how fragile our bodies are. I am constantly reminded that I am LUCKY to have a team of doctors - to have the option of prosthetics and surgery and another month of antibiotics. I am LUCKY to have the tools to fight depression and alcoholism and drug addiction.


I use my pain to make the world a better place.

I distract myself when I am in pain. I flit from one project to the next when I cannot concentrate. I get a lot done sometimes - even if it isn't linear. Even if it isn't anything that could translate into "a job". But for me - doing things keeps me going. Don't get me wrong - I have learned to rest (at the insistence of Dani who takes up all the slack for the things I don't get done.) But even when resting - I am resting so that I will be well enough to do the next thing.


This summer I was an Amazon. I worked with the hardest working group of heavy weights that I have ever had the privilege to sit in a crew circle with (Inventory.) I also worked with the stunning example of calm in the face of controlled chaos (Sprouts) who had 80 children age 4 and under in our capable care. I also worked Raffle for what I think will be my final year. I am over it. I will let someone else take up the torch because it is just too exhausting.



What an honor it was to work my butt off to help manifest Lisa Vogel's vision of "Power to the Pussy"! Along with the entire Pussy Posse, we created a 70-foot satin vaginal canal with a spectacular Vulva Opening into the Night Stage bowl. It was a LOT of work and even more tulle and safety pins. Oh how I wish I could have seen the canal packed with women as it poured rain and the pink, red, maroon and brown canal walls flapped in the storm! I heard it was a hot date spot!


Now that I am home I have to remember those reflections of my Amazon self. I have to battle the pneumonia and figure out how to fix the prosthetic lens that cut into my left eye (ouch). I have to continue to see myself as that strong and smiling woman that people meet on the path - even when it is only me as I meet Pk in the kitchen for a spelling lesson.

These words are written for myself - so that I will not let my pain isolate me. They are written for you - in hopes that you take your pain and use it - somehow - to make the world a better place.


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# posted by V Kingsley @ 7:33 AM 2 Comments

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

 
NOLA Evacuation: I blame the system.


OK - so - as it turns out - in addition to the actual crazy $$$ gas that it took to evacuate - there are some serious car troubles associated with the evacuation. Like how do you spell bumper-2-bumper traffic for 20 hours? bye-bye-c-l-u-t-c-h. (and other such stories)

If you are thinking - "Hey - I have some rainy day money for a good cause" or "I could give up a few cocktails or lattees"...you can donate on line to the NOLA Evac relief fund by clicking the "Donate" button (just put NOLA where it says "purpose".


I will make sure the money gets dispersed to the longtime michfest gals who need it. Thanks all. It matters.

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# posted by V Kingsley @ 5:03 PM 0 Comments

Monday, September 01, 2008

 
Oh, how I love Post Secret.


Just so y'all know - my birthday is 11/11 and every time I see the clock say 11:11, I say either "Somebody loves me (or you)" or "I love you". Occasionally I make a wish.

In addition to 11/11 being Veteran's Day, it is also National Corduroy Appreciation Day.
Think about it.

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# posted by V Kingsley @ 7:10 AM 0 Comments

Saturday, August 30, 2008

 

Helping Out Community

Many of you may have heard about an accident this summer on Highway 31 in Michigan involving 14 womyn and 2 girls. I personally knew the driver, the sister of the woman who tragically died and a couple of the passengers. For the sake of privacy for all involved, I will not get into the details not readily available on the internet. I just received this letter from my good friend, Laurie, who is related to 4 of the surviving passengers.

(From Laurie) I have an email ...with information that Ann said to share with the Michigan community:

Dear Community,

As many of you are aware, Ann, Flame (and their two girls) were in a serious car accident on August 5th, en route to a family vacation. Ann is recovering from knee and arm injuries, and Flame is recovering from a broken jaw, ribs and cervical vertebrae. Flame just had a second jaw surgery, and Ann and the girls are receiving physical therapy. They improve daily with all the prayers, food, time, errands, driving, childcare, and home health care that continue to support the family. We so appreciate all the help we are receiving from our Nevei Kodesh community.

In addition, some people have offered to contribute financially. Both Ann and Flame are self-employed. It is likely that Ann will out of work for several weeks, and Flame unable to work for several months. If you would like to support the Drucker/Dineen family during their recovery process, you may send checks made payable to: (email me for her private address)

If you would like for your contribution to be "officially" tax deductible, you are welcome to send your check to

Rabbi Tirzah Firestone, c/o Congregation Nevei Kodesh
POB 21601
Boulder, CO 80308
Remember to earmark your check: "RDF:Drucker/Dineen." It will go to Rabbi's Discretionary Fund (which is tax deductible) and then will be sent on to the family.

Thank you very much for all your love, support, blessings and generosity.

Karen , Ann , Flame, L. and L.


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This is not what I would have wanted my first blog back from summer break to be about - but there we have it. There are so many beautiful stories to tell and friendships made and incomparable FUN to share. I wish I had hours and hours and hours to get them all in print. Keep checking back because I will blog them. In the meantime, you will know what to do to help the women who need it.



And speaking of help...


I am praying for my dear friends on the Gulf Coast as many of them are in the midst of evacuation preparations or on the road out of town. Some are going to ride it out. Please, please keep them all in your thoughts.


And, in case you were wondering about my health:


Many of you know that I have struggled all year with infections and pneumonia - being bed ridden off and on and in the hospital. While I felt like and truly was able to be the Amazon that I am this summer- I also had to succumb to my body's betrayal of frailty. I have pneumonia again. I would not have changed a thing about the decisions I made to volunteer. I am fierce and grateful for it. I am also immeasurably grateful to all those who support me so that I can be fierce. I am on a long-term dose of antibiotics and seem to be gaining ground toward recovering but it is slower than I would like. Thanks for all the well wishes. I really read every one and totally appreciate them.

Now - onto the adventures of home schooling a 6th grader....and other stories of Team Go-Go! In a tearful courthouse sworn promise ceremony, Dani legally adopted Pk yesterday. It was a joyful day for all! We'll post pix soon.

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Thursday, July 17, 2008

 
Michigan Womyn's Music Festival
a.k.a.
WWTMC
(We Want The Music Collective)
a.k.a.
Michfest
as in michfest.com
a.k.a.
"Camp"
because it's summer camp for grown-ups
a.k.a.
"Festival"
(as if there were no other festivals!)
a.k.a. simply:
"Michigan"
(as if Michigan does not represent
the entire state!)


t-shirt courtesy of artbymags.com

People in my family and my outside-of-Michfest circle of friends often ask what I do every year. How could it be so important that I would give so much of my time and resources - year after year for over 20 years? Well - today's blog will be a tribute to the work I have done at Festival. This is not a look at the festival or the culture or the politics - just an overview of what I have personally done.

To set the story...(in case you do not know)

"Forty performances, a film festival, an artisan/craft show and a full roster of workshops, parties and dances are all slated for one glorious week in August on 650 lush green acres in Michigan. This year's line-up features Michigan's signature combination of new blood and longtime beloveds, representing every genre and generation through the sounds you hear from the stages as well as from the womyn you meet on the wooded path.

Returning womyn know the magic of Michigan is as much what happens off the stages as on them. Everywhere you turn - from the womon-built stages to the outdoor kitchen serving thousands to the follow-spot operator up high in the scaffolding - Festival is living evidence of what womyn are capable of creating. The tangible creative energy that is everywhere on the land explodes into spontaneous woodland parties, parades with outrageous costumes, and performance art on every path. Healthy food, clean air, green woods, art and music will recharge batteries you didn't even know were fading."


The festival runs for a week but it takes all year to plan it (that is done by a team of women in California) and then roughly 4 or so weeks for a core group of women to set up the basics and then a week or so for a larger worker community to set up the festival stages and village before the gates open. Festival runs for a week. Then it takes a solid (and exhausting) week to take it all down and pack it up for the next year. Some women stay longer to finish up all the loose ends. I went as a Crafts Woman in 1987 (at the age of 21) and a "Festie-Goer" in 1988. Since 1989, I have been part of the worker community - missing only a few years when it was impossible to return home.

I worked (did I mention that this all-volunteer?) Security / Communications, Belly Bowl (the Workers' Dining area), Recovery Support, Gaia Girls Camp, Worker Support, Raffle (since 1997) and Flex Crew at Inventory, Set Up / Strike and Sprouts Toddler Care. I have also worked as a Crafts vendor, lead workshops and volunteered in Brother Sun Camp and as an emergency seamstress in addition to my normal work hours. Plus I quilt (of course) and perform in the No-Talent show almost every year.

Security / Communications was hard for me. I really really appreciate what we did (patrol the borders to keep us safe inside, mediate the rare conflict, co-ordinate emergencies, escort vendors, monitor the gates 24/7) but back in the 80s - I was 23 and lonely and new and bored out at the gate. I think they have come a long way and that it is an amazing crew now.

As far as workshifts go - Sprouts Toddler Care is super fun for the young at heart. It means pudding and rocking chairs and shade trees and dress-up and pure joy at the swing and the water play area. It means trucks and balls and cuddles and care. Patience is a must. I LOVE to get my baby fix there and to do things like build playhouses and make mud cakes. Holding an infant in a rocking chair is my absolute favorite. There are also the less glamorous jobs like setting it all up and taking it all down - safety fences, cribs, potty chairs, play equipment, food areas, diaper changing areas...

I did quilting and beading workshops at the Gaia Girls Camp (where I was also a staff member) and at Brother Sun Camp (even before I had a son of my own). What an honor to be part of the village that raises the next generation. Empowered girls and boys are surrounded by the evidence not only of what women can do (in theory) but HAVE DONE (in reality). To watch them grow up year after year (many of them now in college and beyond) is profound. With the boys 5-10, there are hikes in the woods, Uno Games, an awesome fire pit, badminton, ball sports, a slip and slide, a tire swing, arts and crafts and really good food when you are on shift at Brother Sun. Best of all - there are the most amazing group of boys who are so grateful (even when they don't always show it because they are trying to be "cool") that you would take the time to come visit them. Unlike Gaia Girls who are able (and should be!) to enjoy Womyn-Only space - these boys do not see a concert - do not shop at the craft mart, do not get a fudgcicle - do not go to a workshop. Don't get me wrong though - they have the time of their lives on field trips and around the campfire.


Back in the day, the Sober Support (before it became Recovery Support) was a 24 /7 space where meetings of all kinds (12 and 13 step meetings, co / peer counseling..) were held. We dug pits and made coffee and hung signs for meetings. It meant listening and being friendly and supportive. There were (and still are in the Oasis area) lots of places to sit and talk, rugs to sweep and a fire to stoke. Oh - unless there is a storm. Then there are shovels and trenches and tent flaps - but that goes for any area.

When I worked in the Belly Bowl (the dining area for workers) it was under the reign of Maxine Feldman (RIP) of Amazon Womon Rize fame. It was also open 24 hours a day (what?!) and there were a lot of bagels and raccoons but not a lot of toasters and no sink yet. Those were somewhat different times. Now the area is merged with Gals Diner (Worker Kitchen) so that it is one food service area. I really loved being the coffee gal. We kept milks (soy, whole, skim) stocked and juices made and coffee flowing and all the food areas clean and stocked with cereals, bagels, rice cakes, cream cheese, peanut butter, jelly, soy margarine, condiments.


For three years, I worked in the Heyday of Worker Support when I was one of five who shared the roles of "Cruise Director" / "Mediator" / "Librarian" / "Manicurist" / "DART (Differently- Abled Resource Team) Tent Set-up for workers" / "Compassionate Listener". We rugged and set up a place for workers to chill after a long day - where they could do their nails or read women's surf magazines or play trivia games or check out a flashlight if they forgot one in their tent. We set up elaborate games and beach / laundry outings and parties and herstorical tours of the land. We set up a circus and a prom and were generally there as morale boosters. We had a place where women could boo-hoo for any number of reasons and could find a mirror and a hair dryer. We had arts and crafts supplies and a nicely swept area. We had a place for workers to take a nap or eat their meals in the shade. The tent and the library were decorated with leopard print chiffons in the theme of "It's All About the Love" with hearts prominently placed and a comfy couch for lounging. With less workers and more streamlined crews and less stress (in general) - there isn't the need for all of that but it sure was fun while it lasted. Now I think Worker Support is merged with all of Staff Services: Healthcare / Massage / Mail delivery / Banking / Payroll / worker DART / Newcomer Orientation....

I have loved the dirty, tool intensive jobs on my flex crews. Inventory is the place where workers get their worker storage (available to long-time workers for a fee.) Something like 6 women haul in an unbelievable amount of stuff from chairs and tents to coffee pots and area inventory to brooms and rakes and hammers and bale twine and 1000s of nails and washers and screws and spikes and lanterns and props. It's phenomenal. This is where workers go to check out their tools for the day (or half day or hour) and where crews can get the miscellaneous things that they forgot to put in their yearly inventory request list or the consumable items that it takes to run an area (like poster board and markers and batteries) It's kind of like the hardware / office supply store once areas are tented and rugged. It is a lot of physical labor and truck hauling and problem solving and calming ruffled feathers.

And Raffle. What can I say about over a decade of Raffle? It is - far and away - the hardest job I have ever done at festival. I love it for so many reasons but it is INTENSE. The best thing - of course - is that the generous craftswomyn give beautiful gifts and all the monetary donations given by workers and festies go directly toward the production of the festival - the hay bales, the twine, the blueberries, the lights and the portajanes (oops - the "comfort stations"!) Wearing new costumes every year (we each bring our own by the way) and getting to hear some of the concerts on shift are definitely a bonus. Getting to see all parts of the land is another bonus. The adrenaline of a rush of flying tickets and pens is super fun. The walking walking walking and talking talking talking is both lovely and tiring. The fun part is flirting and the tough part is when someone oversteps the boundaries of flirting. Ick. What mostly happens though is the life-sustaining honor of hearing stories - answering questions about festival - raising money for the Land I love and being able to have a flexible schedule that accommodated being a mother.

I wrote to my festival community this year:

As the cost of producing the festival goes up astronomically, this could be a very important year for the hard-working Raffle Crew. There probably won't be a lot of us but the need to connect will be so important. If you happen to miss one of us out in the field - we also have Raffle Stations at Cuntree Store and Crafts where you are free to make a donation - and this year maybe it could be just a little bit over what you would normally give. One of my FAVORITE trends in the last couple of years is when women donate so that someone who otherwise would not be able to get a ticket can have one. Or a crew leader who gets tickets for her crew as a way to say thanks. Maybe someone can get tickets for the Gaia girls or the elders on fixed incomes or maybe long-time folks can make sure that every festie virgin has a ticket. We can be -and are - a creative and generous tribe. I look forward to seeing each and every one of you! (bring and carry those address labels!)

And, with that, my friends - I'm off to the woods.

Home

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# posted by V Kingsley @ 6:25 PM 4 Comments

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

 

Femme Cast is the podcast showcase of the Queer Fat Femme Community.

Will I become the Denizen Poet for the show? Only time will tell. The lovely host, Bevin, will capture my performances of Fat Girl and Accusation: Alpha Femme at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival (taking place August 5-10)

Stay tuned.

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Saturday, July 12, 2008

 


Lucky Ju Ju

After a couple of hours of slapping the silver orb with flippers, Dani and the kids and I closed the joint last night at midnight. It was so great to have a clean, well-lit, smoke-free environment to play over 25 pinball machines that were all set on "free play"! There were pinball arts and artifacts and history on the walls. I wish everyone could experience this place. It was so worth the money (kids under 12 are $5!!) and the trip.

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

 
A Lot of Life! makes it in print!

The art quilt "San Lorenzo Egrets" is featured (in the most generous half page article) in this week's local legal and business newspaper, the Santa Cruz Record. Fellow gymnastics parent, Pete(r) Glynn was kind enough to recommend my work. It was very cool to see it in full color. If you want to get the PDF file - you can view it with Acrobat Reader this week only (scroll to the last page).


And speaking of gymnastics - I am happy to announce that through the hard work and determination of Pk over the last few years and with some generous help from Dani and my Dad (and a lot of chauffeuring by me) - we are now the proud parents of an official USA Gymnastics (yes - of the Olympics) gymnast. He is now on the team at Santa Cruz Sports Central with Vern as his coach. Pk celebrated yesterday by nailing a round off back handspring on the lawn of his camp cookout at Camp Kennolyn. Pk has worked very, very hard to get to this point and he is committed to the competitive process - so much so that he cut off all his hair (which is not allowed in competitions.) He looks very different!

It has been a blast to have his good friend from Brother Sun here for two weeks at camp with him. They are very much brothers and, along with the neighborhood boys, I love having a house full of kids!

---Home-

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# posted by V Kingsley @ 11:29 PM 1 Comments

Saturday, July 05, 2008

 
Hopeline
1-800-SUICIDE
(a suicide prevention hotline)

Hopeline is now trying to break away from intrusive government regulations. The short video below is basically an info-mercial but it does get out the information about Hopeline and that is OK with me.

I have several friends who are currently suicidal (you know who you are.) I have known several friends who have died by suicide. I have been suicidal and so have others in my circle of family and friends. My position is that a person's life is theirs to live and theirs to take but that that ultimate decision is best made as a choice with many other options clearly in place. The option to receive compassionate care (without police intervention) should be available to everyone.

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# posted by V Kingsley @ 9:24 AM 1 Comments

Friday, July 04, 2008

 
Patriotic Dyke


No Fireworks This Year

As you can imagine - due to the extremely dangerous wildfire situation here, fireworks have been banned this year.

We celebrated as a family anyway - with the local parade complete with fire trucks and candy throwing and (my favorite) the jazzercise class doing their mylar-draped shopping cart routine down the center of town. I dressed in my father's cowboy boots, a blue western-style skirt with a fluffy white petticoat and a red shirt tied with a star spangled banner belt.

I am a total geek when it comes to the 4th of July. I am not sure why I get all patriotic. It's not like I support our current leaders or all the havoc that nationalism has wreaked in this country or any other. But - somehow - I just get nostalgic.

I remember how my grandmother made mittens for people at the V.A. hospital and handed out the ubiquitous American Legion red poppies on Memorial day; how they raised the flag in their side yard and how my father looked in his Navy uniform and how taps was played as the Veterans folded the flag at my grandfather's funeral. I also remember how messed up so many Vietnam and Iraq Veterans were (including those in my own family) when they came back with drugs and PTSD and bitterness from the lies hiding behind the flag. But I think of why they did what they did and why they fought those battles on farmlands and over Europe and in rice fields and in the sand. I think of what it must have meant to draft the Declaration of Independence (and, perhaps more importantly, the Constitution.)

On this 4th of July, I wish with all my heart that
more people would defend those documents.



I cry sometimes at the National Anthem. Not because I want the bombs bursting in air - not because the creation of the home of the brave has meant the killing of so many native people and cultures- not because I care so very much about the flag itself but because of how the song reminds me of my family and of those nostalgic old days when all three television stations played it when they went off the air at midnight. My grandparents (and probably my father and definitely my mother in law) have lectured me on the importance of patriotism. I have had the whole "well, if you don't want to support the flag and all it stands for - why don't you move someplace else?" speech several times. I am not moved by it. I am, however, deeply moved by the community cohesiveness I feel just before a baseball game and by the memories of being in kindergarten learning the "Pilgrim's Pride" song.

It is true: I burned a question mark into my 7 foot American flag. (Please note that I am both the kind of gal that would have a 7-foot American flag and the kind that would burn it for the right reasons.) It was 1989 on the steps of the courthouse when the law gave the flag more attention than the rights of women who sought to retain choice in their reproductive lives.

Yes, I sincerely put my hand over my heart when the "Star-Spangled Banner" and the"America the Beautiful" are played but I am not blindly patriotic and beyond skepticism. I see what acts of terrorism have been perpetrated in the name of our country ('tis of thee). I hold both the ingrained respect for the ideals of Thomas Jefferson and Abigail Adams and the abiding care of one who wants to retain those ideals in spite of the wishes of people who put flags (made in China) on their cars as they dismantle our Constitution one Patriot Act at a time.

I am an odd duck who loves the possibility of a world where we are all created equal and have the rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I want these for everyone - as simple-minded as that is. The flag and the songs of my childhood represent the possibility of those rights and I will not let them be co-opted by hateful proselytizing zealots who demand lapel pins and a defense of heterosexual marriage and wire tapping.


I am so deeply grateful that I can (so far) live in a place where I love whom I love and worship how I worship without being killed or jailed that I am moved to wear red white and blue and walk down the center of my small town holding hands with my partner- representing geeky patriotic dykes everywhere.

(I just wish there were more of us out there representing in small towns than
at the drug-infested Dolores Park Dyke March or the Corporation-controlled Gay Prides.)
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Thursday, July 03, 2008

 

California wildfires

As of Thursday evening, 27 major wildfires were burning in California.

Damage: The fires have consumed more than 510,000 acres and destroyed at least 34 residences. They continue to threaten 10,724 residences and 421 commercial buildings.

Response: Fires are being battled in 15 counties - a fight involving 20,296 people, 1,556 fire engines and 113 helicopters. One blaze was contained on Thursday: the North Mountain Fire in Mariposa County, which consumed 2,889 acres but destroyed no structures.

In the line of duty: Volunteer firefighter recruit Bob Roland, 63, of Anderson Valley complained of fatigue Wednesday while serving as a spotter on the Nash Fire near Boonville in Mendocino County. He was taken to a nearby hospital, where he died at 4 a.m. Thursday. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said the state is "forever indebted to Bob's extraordinary and heroic service."

For updates: www.fire.ca.gov. For a map of fires around the state: links.sfgate.com/ZEAZ.




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Wednesday, July 02, 2008

 
Dr. Juan Rodriguez
(Interventional Radiology)
at Dominican Hospital in Santa Cruz